This Is Long… But It’s Good! :D

So if you’ve been keeping up with me at all.. & if you haven’t, you’re missing out.. I’m loads of fun! πŸ˜€ ) you might remember that I recently mentioned I’ve been actively losing weight. Well guess what? I have officially lost the entire 30 lbs I set out to lose in February. — I may lose an extra lb or 2 before it’s all over & done with for good… but I have at this point reached my goal weight. — Which begs the question, what next?

— We’re gonna pause right here cause my dog is looking at me like she needs to go outside & potty, stand by……………………………………………………..

I’m back! πŸ™‚ Not that you would have ever known that I left & then returned in the first place, but since I shared it with you.. I did take a few minutes to trot outside with the pup mid-blogging this here post. πŸ™‚Β  (Yeeeeahh… the word ‘here’ shouldn’t be before the word ‘post’ as it’s redundant & totally unnecessary… but I like it so it stays! Let’s just toss proper grammar out the window for tonight. — I feel like breaking the rules. πŸ˜€

Okay, where were we before I got distracted? Oh yeah. What next?

I recently blogged a bit about how I have learned so much about things like motivation, discipline, & determination from my weight loss journey & it’s really changed the way I see tasks that I’ve set for myself.

It’s easy to be motivated & disciplined when it’s fun or you’re in the mood for it. When you’re seeing results & when you’re optimistic & ready to go & get at it. But what I had to learn is staying disciplined & determined when I didn’t feel like it. You don’t lose 30 lbs in 4 & a half months by keeping with it only when it’s fun or you feel like it. You do it by keeping with it all the time. No matter how you’re feeling about it any given day.

I’ve never fought so hard to reach a goal before. Not without quitting a thousand times along the way. (Which I also talked about in a previous blog post.)

I went from no exercise to exercising every day. I can’t tell you how many times there were days when I just didn’t feel like it & on many occasion had talked myself out of it. But I would rally & get up & do it anyway. & sometimes I would be annoyed the entire time, just grudgingly going about it because darn it I would rather be reading a book or watching tv. But I would tell myself, 1 hour & then you can watch tv or read or whatever you wanna do for the rest of the day or night or what have you. But first…. 1 hour.

The same goes for changes in my diet. Portion control & calorie limits & making due with teeny, tiny, minuscule, barely there, slices of chocolate pound cake cause one regular slice contains more calories than an entire meal! That’s hard. It takes discipline. It takes determination. Let’s be real… it also takes the mighty hand of God! For it is not my strength, but His! πŸ˜€

So what’s next? Writing. That’s what we tackle next. I have to take the same tactics that I took with losing weight & apply it to writing. It’s easy to do when it’s fun or I’m in the mood or it feels good or it makes me happy. Not so much when I don’t feel like it or it’s not coming together or I’m terrified I’m a talent-less hack. (Let’s be real, that last part’s not true.. but there will be days I’m sure I’ll feel like it!)

So that’s where I’m going next. I’ve said it before over the years. Probably a million times. The difference in then & now… is that I have learned so much about myself from this journey that I know what that journey is going to take. — Ya girl here is about to fight for her writing. I’ve been fighting for myself. For my self-worth, & my body, & my soul, & my spirit, & I’m not finished in that arena. — On top of that, I’m about to add to it.

A couple of paragraphs above, I wrote, “that’s what we tackle next.” We. I don’t do any of this alone. I’d never make it. I joked about God’s strength helping me with pound cake consumption… but if I’m being real with you, I need you to know that I didn’t do any of this on my own or by myself. I exercise 1 hour every day, but that hour is God’s time. I spend it with Him. I pray, I talk, I worship, I listen, I learn. Some days more than others. I just want to be clear that while it has definitely been my willingness to stay disciplined & keep going…. it has always been His love, & His grace, & His mercy, & His strength that make any of this possible. — So when I say we… I literally mean, we. πŸ™‚

I haven’t figured out the logistics of a writing schedule or anything like that yet. But in the next couple of weeks I’m going to see what unfolds & what I work out. So we shall see what happens!

Until next time… πŸ˜€

 

 

 

 

The Lies I Told…

I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I don’t care if they think I’m not good enough. I don’t care if they think I’m stupid. I don’t care if they think I’m ugly. I don’t care if they think I’m pathetic or embarrassing myself every time I speak. I just plain don’t care what a single soul thinks of me.

& I just lied.

I care. I care very much & it’s one of my biggest problems.

I hear people say what I just said, how they don’t care what anyone thinks of them, and I wish I could say it with as much certainty as they do. I can’t though.

I care when someone thinks ill of me or little of me. I care if they think I’m unattractive or unintelligent. I care. It matters to me. It bothers me & that’s a problem. One that I need to solve.

Because while I care & while it bothers me… one thing remains the same…. it does not matter what anyone thinks of me… unless I allow it to matter.

I believe it was Eleanor Roosevelt that said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” (It was, I looked it up! πŸ˜€ ) & she was entirely correct.

Lately I (& God) have been working on me. Losing weight, exercising regularly, building myself up, working on the negativity that tumbles around in my head & turning it into something better, something positive & honest. Something worthwhile. I’ve been battling out the negativity I feel towards myself at times. The low self-confidence & feelings of not being quite good enough. They’ve ruled the roost, so to speak, for a long time. & I’m a work in progress.

I still care what people think of me. Too much. & I have to find a way to, simply put, just not care.

If someone doesn’t like me… oh well. If they think I’m a big ol dummy.. Okay, good for them, moving along. If they think I’m not worthy of them… cool, whatever… you do you, Imma do me. — I have to find a way to make this my reality. — If someone just does not like me, I have to be okay with that. & not let it turn into something ugly that seeps into my soul & convinces me that I should feel bad about myself because so & so says so.

It doesn’t matter what so & so says or thinks or anything else. I have to hold on tight to what I know. It matters what God thinks & it matters what I think. I line up with what He thinks, we’re on the same page. Every one else can go on thinking or saying whatever they want. It’s irrelevant. I know this… but I have to believe it, even in those moments when I can feel that negativity trying to creep in. I have to stand with what I know matters. & the negative opinions of other people are not what matters.

So I’m going to keep inching forward, little by little, til I get there.

In fact, some lady gave me some ugly looks at the eye doctor’s office last month (my mom was with me & says she thinks the lady didn’t like my shorts. Which were appropriate mind you, I’m not about to wear booty shorts up in the eye doctor’s office. Especially not mine.. he has crosses & bible verses hanging on the walls. Jesus is all over that room! I mean, come on, that’d be awkward! Jesus, The eye doctor, me, & some booty shorts all in the same room? I don’t think so! πŸ˜€ ) Anyhow, that lady looked right at me all rude & such. & at first I looked away cause it made me uncomfortable… & then I was like, no. I didn’t do anything to her. — So instead I looked her straight in the eye, like I got your number lady & I don’t care, & then I proceeded to walk around with my head held high like I owned the place. πŸ˜€ — She only got to make me feel inferior if I let her. & I didn’t.

Now I just have to apply that to my entire life! All the time.

Work in progress. πŸ˜€

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read This… Pretty Please? :)

Haven’t been on here in ages. Just went scrolling through my old blog posts… reading & such… after a while I was like… wait.. I wrote this? Holy crap… I can write! — Haha!

Cause we all know writers are their own worst critics & after writing things wonder if it was a big mistake that made about zero sense. Turns out…. I’m pretty good. (takes moment to pat self on back πŸ˜€ )

So now that that’s over…. all that humble “go me” stuff & such.. I have stuff to tell you all!

First… I made lifestyle changes. We all know that means someone went on a diet… amiright? But seriously…. I did! I prefer to think of it as a lifestyle change tho… cause I can’t go back to what I was doing before. It’s why I needed to lose 30 lbs to begin with. — Anyhow… I don’t drink soda very often anymore… water is my primary source of hydration beverages. & surprisingly (Okay.. it surprised me.. maybe it won’t y’all.) I don’t even crave coke anymore. I used to drink it every single day. Waaaaaayy more of it than I should have been too. Anyhow… not the case anymore. — Water, water, water! (Tho every once in a while I do have a little coke. A treat, if you will. )

Lifestyle changes continued: I exercise! Every. Single. Day. — Without fail! — (Okay, mostly without fail. I have skipped a day here or there… but it’s rare & I usually replace it with some other calorie burning activity when I do. — I’m no slacker! ( she says as she conveniently ignores that she’s a slacker in regards to things like writing consistently..Β  πŸ˜€ . Moving on… — Coupled with this… I watch my calorie intake & make sure I burn more than I consume on the daily. — For real… I have notebooks & every thing. All of this is written record.

Anyhow.. Started this in February.. It’s May… I’ve lost 25 lbs! (Okay it’s technically 24 lbs.. but come onnnnn…. I’m right there… just let me have it.. ;D )

Also.. I love exercising! I get super cranky if I have to go several days without doing so. (Which did happen when I tweaked my knee a few weeks ago… I was one big ol’ grump!) Anyhow…. Once I’ve lost all I intend too..Β  I’ll just change-up the calorie intake… burn the equivalent through regular exercise as often as possible & drink water… cause.. well.. I like it… & my body thanks me. lol! — So yeah.. that’s fun stuff, right? —

Ohh… btw.. I’ve always had slightly bigger ears than I wanted growing up. Not super big… but bigger than I would have preferred. You know, as a young lady. Anyhow.. I noticed last night… like.. why are my ears so noticeable all of a sudden? They seem to pop a little more in the mirror… what’s happening? & then it dawned on me… my face is thinner, my neck is thinner…. anddddd my ears are the same as always… just now they are like hey, here we are. You forgot about us because we blended in.. but now we stand out. Lookie lookie! — Yeah… that’s a thing for me now. But luckily… I’m an adult now… & way less self-conscious about them than I used to be. So we’re just gonna roll with it… the price you pay, I say.

Moving on…

Imma start writing again. I’ve really been focused on a better me. Like.. mentally, emotionally, & physically. All this exercise & losing weight & being healthy… has also been coupled with working on a better head space. A more confident me. A me that believes in me & invests in me. So I intend to roll back in with the writing also.

After reading through some of my blog posts there are several that I know good & well I didn’t share on the Facebook because I didn’t want to ruffle feathers or offend anyone. I’m a peace keeper, I am. But.. peace keeper or not… I fully intend to share them. I write. It’s what I do. If someone doesn’t like what or how I write… that’s their problem.. not mine. (Seeeeee… look at all the personal growth!) πŸ™‚ — It’s the water… all the wisdom.. comes from the increased water intake, I’m sure.. πŸ™‚

Anyhow.. this is already too long! So… lovely chatting with you all… talk soon! πŸ™‚

 

 

 

 

1981

I fail to be consistent in my writing. I don’t mean to, but it is still true nonetheless.

Having said that… I sat down & wrote 1981 words over the last couple hours.

I’m now going to invoke the saying, “Something is better than nothing.” It’s 1981 more than I did yesterday or the day before, or the one before that.

So, go me. I’m going to pat myself on the back for a job well done. πŸ™‚
It’s also well passed my bedtime. – Night! πŸ˜‰

The Little Things…Β 

Sorting through notes & ran across these. One I wrote to myself as encouragement a while back & the other my husband left for me to find some time ago. — I leave them in the stack of notes… Cause along & along I stumble across them & they remind me that sometimes one just needs a little extra encouragement. — I can do this. I got this. ❀❀❀

Diving Back In…Β 

Okay! So for the first time in months… & I do mean months, many, many months.. πŸ˜‰ … I have busted out the lap top & writing basket. (That’s what I call it, πŸ˜€.. the writing basket, lol holds all my notes and fun stuff like that.. πŸ˜‰.) Anyhow… it’s hard, it’s a lot of work, & kinda scary… feels a little daunting.. ya know? Cause a book is so big… ya start thinking about all those little pieces.. how you build something so big.. one word at a time… & honestly I almost wanna run screaming in the other direction. πŸ˜€. — But there is only one way to get this creation written down… & that’s one word at a time. & there’s only one person who can tell this story… And then tell all the ones to follow it… & that’s me. Cause I’ve created it and I’m the only one who can know it like I do. — So God help me, (that was a legit plea to God btw.. πŸ˜‚.) Cause I’m diving back in! ❀

I Get A Little Honest Here…

So… here’s the thing.

I have been absent. I have not written a word in months. Not here, on my blog, or there, on my book. — I have been completely off the writing map. Not one written word… well, not one that wasn’t some Facebook or Instagram post, that is… πŸ˜‰ .

You see.. I have been intimidated. I have been scared. I have been insecure. I have been lost. I have been too afraid to write one single word anywhere about anything. Because… self-doubt. Because… insecurity. Because… intimidation. — Because if I’m being honest… on my best days.. I still struggle to believe in myself. I still struggle to believe that I have talent or that I am capable of stringing words together that make even a little bit of sense when I’m finished. — & that, my friends, is on my best days.

So on my worst days… it is far worse than that. On my worst days… I don’t just struggle to believe in myself… I just plain don’t believe in myself. I don’t even try on my worst days. I throw in the towel before the sun even rises. Like… not today guys, not today. Β I don’t have it in me to try. I don’t have it in me to pump myself up for this. I feel like a failure & I will just sit here and wallow in it & make no attempt to feel any better about any of it. ——- Β On my worst days… I give up. I am no longer in my own corner. I abandon post & take off. Because why? Because on my worst days… when I feel like the world’s biggest failure… I accept that. I say to myself, ya know what? It is what it is. I cannot do this, I cannot do anything, & so I just quit.

Intimidation. I am intimidated by my own self doubt, other people’s success, & the devil himself. Let me tell you something guys… I am being so incredibly honest with you right now. When someone else succeeds… and I mean just does something so incredibly amazing…. I can hear that little voice whisper.. “and what have you done, hmm? Look at them, taking the world by storm… and you… you haven’t even left the gate yet. What does that say about you, Heather? You’re a failure. A disappointment. Why do you even bother? You’re only making a fool of yourself.”

See… I know pride is like the downfall of man and all… but I still have some. & it grates & it drives me crazy to admit to that. To say that out loud, write it down, with every intention of sharing it with the world-wide web…. just what I think of myself on my worst days. — Because here’s the thing… It’s pretty bad to feel that way about yourself sometimes… but that other people, someone else, may be thinking or saying the same things of you… that hits that little bit of pride that I have right smack in the face. — & guys… I’ve heard it. Things very similar. I know there are people who have expressed doubt about me, my life, my future. — It hurts. It sucks. & it sticks with a person.

But here is the thing… because I’m going somewhere with this. I think.. πŸ˜‰ .

It can’t just be me. In a world filled with so many people… I can’t be the only one that feels this way on their worst days. I can’t be the only person that is intimidated by the world & struggles to believe in themselves. I can’t be the only person out there that feels like a disappointment or a failure. I can’t be by myself in this. Which also means… that whoever you are & wherever you are…. you and I, we are not alone. & I just want to say… I get it. I feel you. You have something in common with a complete stranger… but even so, this is one stranger that understands the struggle. — You are not alone. — & sometimes there is just something about knowing that someone else gets it. — & I get it!

So I’mma keep moving forward. I’m sure it will continue to be riddled with ups and downs, best days & worst days, Confidence & self-doubt… but I do not go it alone. I go it with Jesus & then however many people are right there in the same boat with me.

So here’s to pushing past those “worst” days & reveling in those “best” days. —

May the “best days” be with you.. ? Eh… well.. lol… little Star Wars thing I just did there… yeah, I won’t do that anymore. my bad. I apologize.. πŸ˜‰

πŸ˜€