Well This Gets Embarrassing…

Ay-Yo! 😀

So I wanna tell y’all about all the neat things I have learned from this whole weight loss/exercise journey. Things I have learned about myself… Also there may be things you will learn about me here that may entertain you to no end… who knows?! (Me! I know. Just don’t go telling everybody..  it’ll be our little secrets!)

So here’s a thing… if there were ever a class that someone wanted to offer to people about quitting & not following through with things… they would hire me to teach it. & they would definitely have themselves quite the qualified instructor. I could teach you all about it. Except…. let’s be real.. I’d probably quit.

So now that we’ve established that I almost never follow through with things I start. I would like to explain that low self-confidence & fear of failure are the number 1 reasons that I’d be perfect for such a position. Of course, that’s also why I wouldn’t be too! — (You see what I’m working with here? I’m a hot mess. — Literally, I live in the south… it’s hot here. 😀 )

Anyhow… I said all that to say this… I have not quit this time. — One day, back in February, I asked myself… what are you doing? Why are you not fighting for more out of life? & I knew the answer. It’s the same ol narrative it’s always been. I am too afraid. I am scared & I don’t believe in myself. — & there was something that just sorta hit me like a ton of bricks.. ( Prolly Jesus tbh… tho… I mean.. I’m sure He wouldn’t actually swing a sack of bricks at me… tho… I won’t test it.. I can be a real pain. You can ask my mom.. she would back me up on that one, I have no doubt. 😀 )

If I don’t make a single move to do anything worthwhile at all, if I stay right where I am…. I lose. If I make moves, aim for something worthwhile, refuse to stay where I am… I could still lose…. but it wouldn’t be without a fight. I wouldn’t just lay down & die like I’ve been doing. & I stand more chances to come out on the other side if I make the effort to do so. As long as I’m stalled, here where I’m at, I’m done for… & it’s not because I didn’t fight for more or push forward… it’s because I let the fear of failure determine my future… I let the idea of failing cause the very failure I dreaded. — & in that moment, on February 16th, 2018 (Yes, we have a date to go with this pivotal moment 🙂 )… I chose to make a move.

You see earlier that same day I got dressed & my jeans were too tight & I was all like, I need to go shopping & get me some new jeans. Bigger jeans. (Because who doesn’t love having to size up? Me… it’s me, I don’t. ) — But then I decided to make a move & new just where I was going to start. With myself. The me that I let go because I felt I had no purpose & was already defeated. That person needed to learn to fight for herself. — Which she did.

It is now over 3 months later, I have lost 25 lbs.. (Okay.. 24… but seriously… it’s much more fun for me to round up. 🙂 ) I exercise every day & I love it. I drink more water a day than I used to drink in a week. I quit soda. (mostly… I do have like a small can on occasion. The little 90 calorie cans, you know the ones. The ones you see in the grocery store & you’re like… it’s only 50 cents cheaper than the 12 pack, might as well just get the 12 pack, more for my money. — Yeeaaahh, I did that too. Now I just get less for my money & less coke… I’m not sure I’ve won anything here… but oh well! 😀 ) I live & breathe calorie management.. I literally do math every day… & I don’t even like math. —

Sometimes I wanna be lazy.. & I have to push myself to get up & get down to some Toby Mac. That’s right… I dance. I haven’t mentioned that part yet… but I’m not a runner, or a walker, or a workout video follower… I’m a dancer. & to be honest with you… when I say I’m a dancer what I mean is that I’m a dancer at heart. On the inside. On the outside… I can’t promise I don’t look like some sort of discombobulated chicken? I also try to sing while I dance.. & I can’t hardly breathe.. & so my mean ol Husband (Not really… he’s my favorite & I adore him.) records me at the door & giggles about it later.  I mean I don’t know. I have no rhythm. I’m not very coordinated. & not sure you’d want me to dance at your wedding… but it works! & it’s fun & makes me feel alive. So imma keep rolling with it.

I rambled on about all of that to say this… for the first time in my life I have learned so much about perseverance, determination, motivation, & pushing myself when those very things fail me. I have pushed myself 10 more minutes, only ate 10 chips at the mexican restaurant.. 10! That’s all I could have. Used to eat half a basket & come to find out 20 chips is around 300 calories. Say what?! That’s just a free appetizer? Can’t even have more than 10 chips! That is dedication if I ever saw it, I tell you. I am dedicated, can’t say I’m not! 😀 )

I fight for it every day. & I stick with it even when it’s hard & when it’s not fun. Like when I raked leaves til I had blisters (cause I don’t rake leaves on the regular & my husband informed me an hour & a half in that gloves would prevent blisters… ohhhhh, now you tell me. I just wanted to burn some calories… not my skin!) Or when I shoveled dirt & came inside later covered in bug bites. (the prices I have paid, I tell you, for trying to spice up some calorie burning.)

The thing is, as hilarious as it has been sometimes, I have pushed, I have fought, I have kept going… even when the guy at the register of the fast food place was like, but the burger is going to cost you the same price with or without the fries, you sure you don’t want the fries? — Yeah, I’m sure. — But it’s the same price… I can just give you the fries too.. — nope, I’m good. — But it’s the same price?! — Sweet Lord, get behind me satan! No seriously tho..  I know he was just trying to be nice & help me out. — But I stuck to it. When I could have easily said, ya know what… yeah.. might as well. & ate them anyhow. But I didn’t. & I’m sure that lovely employee thinks I’m a loon. But that’s okay! I was determined to stick with it… & I did.

I have stuck with it since the beginning. I have made so much progress. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally… it’s been life changing. It may seem small to some, I’m sure. But for me…. it was a huge leap & something I was afraid I would fail at. But I’m still here fighting the good fight. Confusing restaurant workers & embarrassing myself in the name of exercise. 😀

There’s no going back now! You guys are all just going to have to buckle up because you’re along for the ride… 😀

 

 

Read This… Pretty Please? :)

Haven’t been on here in ages. Just went scrolling through my old blog posts… reading & such… after a while I was like… wait.. I wrote this? Holy crap… I can write! — Haha!

Cause we all know writers are their own worst critics & after writing things wonder if it was a big mistake that made about zero sense. Turns out…. I’m pretty good. (takes moment to pat self on back 😀 )

So now that that’s over…. all that humble “go me” stuff & such.. I have stuff to tell you all!

First… I made lifestyle changes. We all know that means someone went on a diet… amiright? But seriously…. I did! I prefer to think of it as a lifestyle change tho… cause I can’t go back to what I was doing before. It’s why I needed to lose 30 lbs to begin with. — Anyhow… I don’t drink soda very often anymore… water is my primary source of hydration beverages. & surprisingly (Okay.. it surprised me.. maybe it won’t y’all.) I don’t even crave coke anymore. I used to drink it every single day. Waaaaaayy more of it than I should have been too. Anyhow… not the case anymore. — Water, water, water! (Tho every once in a while I do have a little coke. A treat, if you will. )

Lifestyle changes continued: I exercise! Every. Single. Day. — Without fail! — (Okay, mostly without fail. I have skipped a day here or there… but it’s rare & I usually replace it with some other calorie burning activity when I do. — I’m no slacker! ( she says as she conveniently ignores that she’s a slacker in regards to things like writing consistently..  😀 . Moving on… — Coupled with this… I watch my calorie intake & make sure I burn more than I consume on the daily. — For real… I have notebooks & every thing. All of this is written record.

Anyhow.. Started this in February.. It’s May… I’ve lost 25 lbs! (Okay it’s technically 24 lbs.. but come onnnnn…. I’m right there… just let me have it.. ;D )

Also.. I love exercising! I get super cranky if I have to go several days without doing so. (Which did happen when I tweaked my knee a few weeks ago… I was one big ol’ grump!) Anyhow…. Once I’ve lost all I intend too..  I’ll just change-up the calorie intake… burn the equivalent through regular exercise as often as possible & drink water… cause.. well.. I like it… & my body thanks me. lol! — So yeah.. that’s fun stuff, right? —

Ohh… btw.. I’ve always had slightly bigger ears than I wanted growing up. Not super big… but bigger than I would have preferred. You know, as a young lady. Anyhow.. I noticed last night… like.. why are my ears so noticeable all of a sudden? They seem to pop a little more in the mirror… what’s happening? & then it dawned on me… my face is thinner, my neck is thinner…. anddddd my ears are the same as always… just now they are like hey, here we are. You forgot about us because we blended in.. but now we stand out. Lookie lookie! — Yeah… that’s a thing for me now. But luckily… I’m an adult now… & way less self-conscious about them than I used to be. So we’re just gonna roll with it… the price you pay, I say.

Moving on…

Imma start writing again. I’ve really been focused on a better me. Like.. mentally, emotionally, & physically. All this exercise & losing weight & being healthy… has also been coupled with working on a better head space. A more confident me. A me that believes in me & invests in me. So I intend to roll back in with the writing also.

After reading through some of my blog posts there are several that I know good & well I didn’t share on the Facebook because I didn’t want to ruffle feathers or offend anyone. I’m a peace keeper, I am. But.. peace keeper or not… I fully intend to share them. I write. It’s what I do. If someone doesn’t like what or how I write… that’s their problem.. not mine. (Seeeeee… look at all the personal growth!) 🙂 — It’s the water… all the wisdom.. comes from the increased water intake, I’m sure.. 🙂

Anyhow.. this is already too long! So… lovely chatting with you all… talk soon! 🙂

 

 

 

 

1981

I fail to be consistent in my writing. I don’t mean to, but it is still true nonetheless.

Having said that… I sat down & wrote 1981 words over the last couple hours.

I’m now going to invoke the saying, “Something is better than nothing.” It’s 1981 more than I did yesterday or the day before, or the one before that.

So, go me. I’m going to pat myself on the back for a job well done. 🙂
It’s also well passed my bedtime. – Night! 😉

A Letter…

To the Christian person that says our feelings do not matter, that emotions have to be set aside as they may contradict faith & all things that are holy…. while I appreciate that you wish to further me along in my journey with Jesus… I would like to share a little something with you.

You have not walked, not even one moment, in my shoes. You have absolutely no idea of the depths that I have descended to. You have no idea of the pain & suffering I’ve survived. You have not a clue how lost & broken a soul I have been. You were not there when I lost the battles. You were not there when I was lost in all the surrounding chaos. You have no idea how far down rock bottom was when the fight went out in me.

You do not know me. You do not know my heart. You did not pick me back up. You did not come to me in my darkest hours & comfort me. You did not show me hope & love when I no longer believed in either of them. You did not restore my faith. You played no part in my healing. You did not even know I was broken. — God did. He knew. He showed up pouring out nothing but love & concern. He cared what I felt. He cared how lost I was. He cared about my pain, my suffering, & my broken spirit. I was wrapped up in all sorts of emotions & feelings. & He cared.

You can come to me all day long & say that I should set aside my feelings as they do not matter in the grand scheme of things. I’ve even heard it said that it’s selfish to focus only on one’s pain, rather than on what God has said. You can try to educate me all day long on the subject…. but the facts remain the same.

You were not on the floor with me the night I landed on it, writhing in an emotional pain I was apparently not allowed to feel.  I cried & I cried & I said, ” I’m all alone. No one understands. They don’t care. Life is beating me to pieces & I’m all by myself.” & I heard God respond… (Mind you the same God that I had known for years. The same One I had been angry with. The same One I yelled at in all my rage & confusion… because in all my honesty here… I was nothing, if not honest with Him too.) I heard the same very God tell me I was not alone. He said I’m here. I care. I love you. — He reached out to His broken child & He said, I’ve got you. — That is a God that cares. — Sure… He also can’t & won’t tolerate sin… but that does not make Him an uncaring God when His children are broken.

So while I appreciate that you are attempting to help & enlighten me… I remember all too well what it was like to feel like my suffering did not matter. People will descend further into an abyss when they feel no one cares. To stress to them… that the God that loves them more than we could ever comprehend… does not care about their feelings, only their faith…. is not something I will participate in. — You may call me wrong. You may say that it’s cause I’m all up in my inappropriate feelings. & that’s okay. I am all up in my feelings. It’s hard not to be when I know somewhere out there is some broken someone who just needs someone to care.

Because I would rather that… than to abandon someone who, maybe just like me, has crumpled to the floor.. in an emotional agony they can’t handle anymore… by leaning down & saying, hey… I get that you’re upset right now…. but these feelings… you need to push them out-of-the-way… this is selfish… God’s not in the business of caring how you feel… it’s all about the faith. —– Because that is essentially what you have done. Whether you realize it or not, this is what they’ve heard. & I will not do that to another human being in turmoil. — I cannot.

So please understand, you can tell me all about this subject time & time again…. but you & I will never be on the same page about it. To be honest, it is what it is.

Yours Truly,
Heather.

 

 

 

Not Everything Changes..

I recently moved about an hour from the town I’ve lived in my entire life.

Bought a house, moved further away from family, shop in completely different towns now. Every thing is different. There is so much change. — & I am a creature of habit for sure.

It’s been stressful. It’s been strange. it’s been fun & exciting too… there are pros and cons galore. Our dog has been adjusting… she is also a creature of habit. She’s now a bigger baby than she was before… tho I didn’t think that was possible before now.. ;). Life’s just been different.

I used to live out in the country. No neighbors nearby. Now I live.. well, still sorta out in the country… just in a subdivision with a ton of neighbors. They are lovely people… but it’s still different for someone who has never really had so many people around all the time.

Back at my old home.,.. I used to sit outside at night, under the stars, in the dark… turn some music on, close my eyes, & let all of the stress and anxieties of life just slip away for a while. — It has always been my de-stresser. The one thing that kept me going when life got tough. Somehow.. it just does wonders for my soul. I always feel more at peace afterwards. It’s my thing. 🙂

Since I moved… oh, like 4 months ago, that has not happened. Not even once. Suddenly there are neighbors every where… I don’t want to disturb them somehow… I also watch a lot of Dateline… & well… I don’t want to show up on an episode of that… lol. So I just haven’t bothered to sit outside at 2 am cause.. well, it’s all so different here.

Tonight tho… I did just that. Went outside, popped my headphones in, leaned back in a chair, & let all my worries wash away for a while.

It was fantastic. Absolutely amazing. & Oh how I had missed it so much.

Sometimes things all around us change. Life becomes different & unfamiliar. We create new normals & move in all sorts of directions. It’s always full of happiness & excitement… but it also has it’s downsides… it can be uncomfortable & difficult too. But when everything around you changes… there are still some things that will always stay the same.

For me.. that’s washing away stress under the stars after midnight. For you, I’m sure it’s something else entirely. But it’s nice… that despite all the changes in life… some things are just a part of who we are. 🙂

The Little Things… 

Sorting through notes & ran across these. One I wrote to myself as encouragement a while back & the other my husband left for me to find some time ago. — I leave them in the stack of notes… Cause along & along I stumble across them & they remind me that sometimes one just needs a little extra encouragement. — I can do this. I got this. ❤❤❤