1981

I fail to be consistent in my writing. I don’t mean to, but it is still true nonetheless.

Having said that… I sat down & wrote 1981 words over the last couple hours.

I’m now going to invoke the saying, “Something is better than nothing.” It’s 1981 more than I did yesterday or the day before, or the one before that.

So, go me. I’m going to pat myself on the back for a job well done. πŸ™‚
It’s also well passed my bedtime. – Night! πŸ˜‰

The Little Things…Β 

Sorting through notes & ran across these. One I wrote to myself as encouragement a while back & the other my husband left for me to find some time ago. — I leave them in the stack of notes… Cause along & along I stumble across them & they remind me that sometimes one just needs a little extra encouragement. — I can do this. I got this. ❀❀❀

Diving Back In…Β 

Okay! So for the first time in months… & I do mean months, many, many months.. πŸ˜‰ … I have busted out the lap top & writing basket. (That’s what I call it, πŸ˜€.. the writing basket, lol holds all my notes and fun stuff like that.. πŸ˜‰.) Anyhow… it’s hard, it’s a lot of work, & kinda scary… feels a little daunting.. ya know? Cause a book is so big… ya start thinking about all those little pieces.. how you build something so big.. one word at a time… & honestly I almost wanna run screaming in the other direction. πŸ˜€. — But there is only one way to get this creation written down… & that’s one word at a time. & there’s only one person who can tell this story… And then tell all the ones to follow it… & that’s me. Cause I’ve created it and I’m the only one who can know it like I do. — So God help me, (that was a legit plea to God btw.. πŸ˜‚.) Cause I’m diving back in! ❀

I Get A Little Honest Here…

So… here’s the thing.

I have been absent. I have not written a word in months. Not here, on my blog, or there, on my book. — I have been completely off the writing map. Not one written word… well, not one that wasn’t some Facebook or Instagram post, that is… πŸ˜‰ .

You see.. I have been intimidated. I have been scared. I have been insecure. I have been lost. I have been too afraid to write one single word anywhere about anything. Because… self-doubt. Because… insecurity. Because… intimidation. — Because if I’m being honest… on my best days.. I still struggle to believe in myself. I still struggle to believe that I have talent or that I am capable of stringing words together that make even a little bit of sense when I’m finished. — & that, my friends, is on my best days.

So on my worst days… it is far worse than that. On my worst days… I don’t just struggle to believe in myself… I just plain don’t believe in myself. I don’t even try on my worst days. I throw in the towel before the sun even rises. Like… not today guys, not today. Β I don’t have it in me to try. I don’t have it in me to pump myself up for this. I feel like a failure & I will just sit here and wallow in it & make no attempt to feel any better about any of it. ——- Β On my worst days… I give up. I am no longer in my own corner. I abandon post & take off. Because why? Because on my worst days… when I feel like the world’s biggest failure… I accept that. I say to myself, ya know what? It is what it is. I cannot do this, I cannot do anything, & so I just quit.

Intimidation. I am intimidated by my own self doubt, other people’s success, & the devil himself. Let me tell you something guys… I am being so incredibly honest with you right now. When someone else succeeds… and I mean just does something so incredibly amazing…. I can hear that little voice whisper.. “and what have you done, hmm? Look at them, taking the world by storm… and you… you haven’t even left the gate yet. What does that say about you, Heather? You’re a failure. A disappointment. Why do you even bother? You’re only making a fool of yourself.”

See… I know pride is like the downfall of man and all… but I still have some. & it grates & it drives me crazy to admit to that. To say that out loud, write it down, with every intention of sharing it with the world-wide web…. just what I think of myself on my worst days. — Because here’s the thing… It’s pretty bad to feel that way about yourself sometimes… but that other people, someone else, may be thinking or saying the same things of you… that hits that little bit of pride that I have right smack in the face. — & guys… I’ve heard it. Things very similar. I know there are people who have expressed doubt about me, my life, my future. — It hurts. It sucks. & it sticks with a person.

But here is the thing… because I’m going somewhere with this. I think.. πŸ˜‰ .

It can’t just be me. In a world filled with so many people… I can’t be the only one that feels this way on their worst days. I can’t be the only person that is intimidated by the world & struggles to believe in themselves. I can’t be the only person out there that feels like a disappointment or a failure. I can’t be by myself in this. Which also means… that whoever you are & wherever you are…. you and I, we are not alone. & I just want to say… I get it. I feel you. You have something in common with a complete stranger… but even so, this is one stranger that understands the struggle. — You are not alone. — & sometimes there is just something about knowing that someone else gets it. — & I get it!

So I’mma keep moving forward. I’m sure it will continue to be riddled with ups and downs, best days & worst days, Confidence & self-doubt… but I do not go it alone. I go it with Jesus & then however many people are right there in the same boat with me.

So here’s to pushing past those “worst” days & reveling in those “best” days. —

May the “best days” be with you.. ? Eh… well.. lol… little Star Wars thing I just did there… yeah, I won’t do that anymore. my bad. I apologize.. πŸ˜‰

πŸ˜€

 

 

Stumbling Blocks..

I think one of the hardest things about writing is second guessing myself.

I sit down one day & write several pages… and I like it. The next day I go back to pick up where I left off, read through the pages from the day before, and spend the next several hours criticizing every word I wrote the day before and attempting to rewrite it all.

It’s like… I make progress… just to go two steps backwards when I pick it up again.

It’s a little frustrating. Okay, it’s a lot frustrating.

I read a few pages to my husband the other day… and he was like, that flows really well. I like that. —- and I was thinking, flows really well? Yeah, it did when I wrote it, but now that I’m reading it to you it sounds like the worst thing ever. Lol!

I know mostly it’s just me being my own worst critic. I just can’t get out of my head sometimes. I go round and round with myself. — It’s frustrating.

I won’t quit tho. I’m not quite close enough to see the finish line yet, but I know it’s there. Kinda like when you go hiking…. at some point you are smack dab in the middle of the trail, tired, your legs ache, your hot, trying to figure out why in the world you thought it’d be a good idea in the first place…. but you hold onto the fact that at some point, you will reach the end and it’ll be a beautiful sight when you do. — Haha, tho one time I was so tired and hungry that it was knowing I’d get Doritos & Gatorade once I reached my destination. Lol… I busted those bad boys out as soon as I hit the top of that mountain. All that work… and I was so tired… but it was so worth it. & I knew it the second I sat down and twisted the cap on the bottle…. cause that was one snack that came with a view. πŸ˜‰

Anyhow, gotta get back to it. πŸ™‚

Slightly Frustrated…

Grrrr!!

I hate when I can’t get a character down on paper like they are in my head.

It. Is. So. Frustrating.

I just wanna scream. Like, Ahhhhh!

Why can’t you just magically appear on this paper you magnificent character you! Instead I have pages upon pages of you as awesome as you are and then like 2 pages of you that seem like a completely different person and now even if I scrap them altogether I can’t seem to manage to write anything that even remotely resembles who you are. My brain is all messed up and you now have multiple personalities. You’re welcome. No need to thank me, really. Oh, and I quit. No need to fret, only long enough to rest my brain and find some milk & cookies. Chocolate chunk to be precise. πŸ˜€ Β — I shall not leave you in shambles.. permanently that is, temporarily is a whole different thing. You, my friend, are on your own at the moment.

P.S. — I sort of just ranted at an imaginary character and I may be losing my mind. Lol, but don’t give up on me just yet, cause this ain’t over. πŸ˜‰

I Have Returned… :)

I’ve been a bit off the radar for a while. Part of me had no idea what to write about on here anymore and another part of me felt extraordinary pressure to work on my current project. I felt like if I didn’t, then I was somehow failing. Although I have worked on writing my book a bit here and there over the last few months… I wasn’t doing nearly what I could have been doing.

About two weeks ago I sat down one day and just worked hard. I poured more into those few hours than I had put into the last few months. When I was finished, I saw a path to the future. For the first time, since I started this journey, with the blog, two years ago… I saw everything come together in what seemed a lot like an epiphany moment. It’s hard to explain, but I now see a future in my work.

I now see a path to completing this first book and going on to do more. A path which I could not see prior to that day. Which is part of what made it so difficult to keep going. I couldn’t really see where it was going or if I’d even make it there.

I’ve worked with these characters so much that I feel like I know them personally, lol, I’m not crazy. It sounds a lot like imaginary friends and fictional buddies… but really, it’s not as insane as it sounds. πŸ™‚ — It’s what makes this whole thing so worthwhile. I want to share them and all that they have to offer with everyone else. I just have to get their stories out of my head and onto the paper in just the right way. So that you can all know them like I do. — You’ll like em, they’re pretty cool. πŸ™‚

Anyhow…

I have a goal: To complete the first run-through of this book by December. I made that goal in January. I have now lost 6 months of time to really work on it. However, I will not change my goal… I will just work twice as hard to reach it.

You guys will meet these people eventually, I promise. πŸ™‚

Heather Marie. πŸ™‚