A Letter…

To the Christian person that says our feelings do not matter, that emotions have to be set aside as they may contradict faith & all things that are holy…. while I appreciate that you wish to further me along in my journey with Jesus… I would like to share a little something with you.

You have not walked, not even one moment, in my shoes. You have absolutely no idea of the depths that I have descended to. You have no idea of the pain & suffering I’ve survived. You have not a clue how lost & broken a soul I have been. You were not there when I lost the battles. You were not there when I was lost in all the surrounding chaos. You have no idea how far down rock bottom was when the fight went out in me.

You do not know me. You do not know my heart. You did not pick me back up. You did not come to me in my darkest hours & comfort me. You did not show me hope & love when I no longer believed in either of them. You did not restore my faith. You played no part in my healing. You did not even know I was broken. — God did. He knew. He showed up pouring out nothing but love & concern. He cared what I felt. He cared how lost I was. He cared about my pain, my suffering, & my broken spirit. I was wrapped up in all sorts of emotions & feelings. & He cared.

You can come to me all day long & say that I should set aside my feelings as they do not matter in the grand scheme of things. I’ve even heard it said that it’s selfish to focus only on one’s pain, rather than on what God has said. You can try to educate me all day long on the subject…. but the facts remain the same.

You were not on the floor with me the night I landed on it, writhing in an emotional pain I was apparently not allowed to feel.  I cried & I cried & I said, ” I’m all alone. No one understands. They don’t care. Life is beating me to pieces & I’m all by myself.” & I heard God respond… (Mind you the same God that I had known for years. The same One I had been angry with. The same One I yelled at in all my rage & confusion… because in all my honesty here… I was nothing, if not honest with Him too.) I heard the same very God tell me I was not alone. He said I’m here. I care. I love you. — He reached out to His broken child & He said, I’ve got you. — That is a God that cares. — Sure… He also can’t & won’t tolerate sin… but that does not make Him an uncaring God when His children are broken.

So while I appreciate that you are attempting to help & enlighten me… I remember all too well what it was like to feel like my suffering did not matter. People will descend further into an abyss when they feel no one cares. To stress to them… that the God that loves them more than we could ever comprehend… does not care about their feelings, only their faith…. is not something I will participate in. — You may call me wrong. You may say that it’s cause I’m all up in my inappropriate feelings. & that’s okay. I am all up in my feelings. It’s hard not to be when I know somewhere out there is some broken someone who just needs someone to care.

Because I would rather that… than to abandon someone who, maybe just like me, has crumpled to the floor.. in an emotional agony they can’t handle anymore… by leaning down & saying, hey… I get that you’re upset right now…. but these feelings… you need to push them out-of-the-way… this is selfish… God’s not in the business of caring how you feel… it’s all about the faith. —– Because that is essentially what you have done. Whether you realize it or not, this is what they’ve heard. & I will not do that to another human being in turmoil. — I cannot.

So please understand, you can tell me all about this subject time & time again…. but you & I will never be on the same page about it. To be honest, it is what it is.

Yours Truly,




Stumbling Blocks..

I think one of the hardest things about writing is second guessing myself.

I sit down one day & write several pages… and I like it. The next day I go back to pick up where I left off, read through the pages from the day before, and spend the next several hours criticizing every word I wrote the day before and attempting to rewrite it all.

It’s like… I make progress… just to go two steps backwards when I pick it up again.

It’s a little frustrating. Okay, it’s a lot frustrating.

I read a few pages to my husband the other day… and he was like, that flows really well. I like that. —- and I was thinking, flows really well? Yeah, it did when I wrote it, but now that I’m reading it to you it sounds like the worst thing ever. Lol!

I know mostly it’s just me being my own worst critic. I just can’t get out of my head sometimes. I go round and round with myself. — It’s frustrating.

I won’t quit tho. I’m not quite close enough to see the finish line yet, but I know it’s there. Kinda like when you go hiking…. at some point you are smack dab in the middle of the trail, tired, your legs ache, your hot, trying to figure out why in the world you thought it’d be a good idea in the first place…. but you hold onto the fact that at some point, you will reach the end and it’ll be a beautiful sight when you do. — Haha, tho one time I was so tired and hungry that it was knowing I’d get Doritos & Gatorade once I reached my destination. Lol… I busted those bad boys out as soon as I hit the top of that mountain. All that work… and I was so tired… but it was so worth it. & I knew it the second I sat down and twisted the cap on the bottle…. cause that was one snack that came with a view. 😉

Anyhow, gotta get back to it. 🙂

Slightly Frustrated…


I hate when I can’t get a character down on paper like they are in my head.

It. Is. So. Frustrating.

I just wanna scream. Like, Ahhhhh!

Why can’t you just magically appear on this paper you magnificent character you! Instead I have pages upon pages of you as awesome as you are and then like 2 pages of you that seem like a completely different person and now even if I scrap them altogether I can’t seem to manage to write anything that even remotely resembles who you are. My brain is all messed up and you now have multiple personalities. You’re welcome. No need to thank me, really. Oh, and I quit. No need to fret, only long enough to rest my brain and find some milk & cookies. Chocolate chunk to be precise. 😀  — I shall not leave you in shambles.. permanently that is, temporarily is a whole different thing. You, my friend, are on your own at the moment.

P.S. — I sort of just ranted at an imaginary character and I may be losing my mind. Lol, but don’t give up on me just yet, cause this ain’t over. 😉

My Writing Confession…

I have a confession to make.

I suck at writing dialogue.

Why, you might ask?

I don’t know. I have this theory that it’s an overlap from being so shy that I suck at conversation in general. It’s like a person that stutters when they talk, but when they sing, it’s the most beautiful flow of words you’ve ever heard. — When I write, it just flows & it’s amazing…. right up until I hit dialogue, and then that same brick wall that comes up in actual conversations that I have, comes up when I try to make conversations happen in my writing. —

Sometimes I do an okay job at it, others, might as well just scrap what I’m writing and start over for the 100th time, Lol.

So I’m going to try to help myself out a little & make an effort to write a little more dialogue every day to see if I can get to a place where it flows like the rest of my writing. — I actually have a little story titled “Horrible Writing” because it contains a good bit of dialogue & I was so frustrated after writing it that I gave it that lovely title. Lol, I thought it fitting at the time. — A sense of humor can go a long way! 🙂

Now I’m off to write a bunch of dialogue… — Wish me luck!

The Hotel Search…

Anybody else ever go to book a hotel room & you read the bad reviews first …. & so then you’re like, Nawp, No way Jose, I can’t live like this! — So you check out another one… & those bad reviews are worse than the first hotel. So you back out of that one as fast as your keyboard will allow & head over to hotel website #3.

Hotel 3 is just as bad as hotel #1 & on top of that is extremely outdated, so not nearly as clean. — So hotel 3 is out & you head over to website #4. This hotel looks a little more promising, still has bad reviews, but nothing so bad as hotel #2, maybe a little better than hotel’s 1 & 3. — So you think yeah, maybe this could work. — Only you take a look at the price & you’re like, nawp, sorry, no can do… not paying 400 bucks a night just to sleep!

So then you’re back at square one, or should I say, hotel #1. which is starting to look a little better…. until you check out those bad reviews again. Which you know you probably shouldn’t have done. — Because if you’d use some rational thinking you’d take into consideration that there are 300 five-star reviews, 200 four-star reviews & a total of 9 one-star and 16 two-star reviews.  — So technically the odds are in your favor. — But what if, just what if, you’re one of the unlucky ones… & you get a dirty room & blood-stained sheets or you’re charged a huge fee for smoking marijuana in your room based solely on the the house keeper’s sense of smell after you’re gone & you aren’t even there to defend yourself & your drug-free lifestyle?!

So that’s when you throw that rational thinking out the window & start the hotel search all over again! — Only to cycle back through the same thing… again & again & again. Lol! Until you finally end up deciding on hotel #1, the same reliable hotel chain you stay at all the time, and pray you are one of the 4 or 5 star reviewers at the end of your stay!

Lol, I don’t know… maybe it’s just be me, but those 1 star reviews could terrify the good sense out of anyone I tell ya!

Motive Matters…

I will complete my first book. I will write more. I may write all sorts of things in the future that I have no idea about right this moment. Who knows? My husband and I have future plans for starting up an organization to help the less fortunate, homeless, and other people who are down on their luck. (That will probably be a while tho… but we’ll get there.) We want to adopt children at some point & maybe even have a pretty big family someday. (Something I once said I’d never have, lol.) — I have goals. They are there & they are real.

Sometimes there is a small part of me that is just itching to reach them all so that I can say to every person that doubted me, —- Ha! You thought I wasn’t going to make anything of myself or my life. In your face! You thought you knew better than me about what I should be doing? Ha! I love to write & I want to spend my life helping others… but that wasn’t ideal so it wasn’t “living in the real world.” In. Your. Face. You were wrong! — (Okay, so that’s not very mature of me, lol. but that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it a time or two.)

The thing is… I can’t let that be the basis for what I do or how I go about doing it. I’ve noticed that it overshadows my desire for the things I love. — Interesting, yeah? lol.) — If I spend my time focusing on proving people wrong, I lose focus on all of the things I want to do for myself & others. When I let all the hurt & anger rise up I lose sight of all the good I want to be a part of. I put too much pressure on myself & I start wanting it all for the wrong reasons.

I felt that way today. I wanted to accomplish everything for all the wrong reasons simply because my feelings were hurt again.

Luckily, I remembered who I am. 🙂  — I thought about my future, what I want, what I can do, who I can be, and the love & kindness that I can share. I thought about how much I love writing, books, & reading. I thought about what our family could be like someday. I thought about all the people who need help that I could be a part of helping. I thought about all the positive things & remembered that I’m not doing any of it to prove anyone wrong or throw it someone’s face.. — I’m doing it all out of passion, love, & kindness. — Lol, the complete opposite of what I was feeling earlier today!

Anyhow, guess that’s why we should never let the negative overpower the positive.
Heather! 🙂

About A Book…

For the first time in a while I have actually worked on my book. I pulled out all my notebooks, folders, papers, & my lap tops & just worked. All I really worked on was more plot planning & fleshing out my secondary characters… but it really felt good. — A few weeks ago I was second guessing whether I should keep on writing it or just scrap it. — I’m definitely going to keep writing it. 🙂

I worked on it a lot a while back & I spent so much time thinking about it that it just became overwhelming & kind of depressing, rather than something fun & enjoyable. Tonight I was watching t.v. and I was just itching to create something. To write and bring something to life. I was doodling all over a little notepad & it was driving me crazy. It wasn’t enough. — So I pulled everything out & just went to work. — That is by far one of the best decisions I’ve made in a while. —

I don’t want to toss my story out now. I want to complete it. I want to pull this story out of my head & finish writing it down. — It’s a little scary. It’s a lot intimidating. But it’s also possible. Most importantly, it’s worth it. — I think that’s part of what I’ve needed to come to terms with. That even though it’s a lot of hard work, time, planning, and writing… it’s worth it. Even though at times it seems overwhelming & like more of a chore rather than something I love… it’s worth it. It’s worth fighting for. It’s worth continuing.

So whenever I get fed up with it & I’m sick of seeing it because it’s driving me crazy, I think I’m just going to take a little step back, get some perspective, and then come back to it… as opposed to just giving up on it altogether. I realized long ago that I could never give up writing… I wouldn’t even know how to do that. — I’ve just recently realized that although I love writing tremendously… that it’s okay to not like it sometimes. It’s okay if writing frustrates me rather than makes me happy from time to time. It’s a lot of work… and work can do that to a person. — I’ve held on to this ideal that I have to love it all the time or not like it at all… but I’m learning that that’s not necessarily the case. 🙂