Posted in Blog, Book Updates, Writing

Wash, Rinse, Repeat… ?!

Ever have one of those writing days where you don’t really wanna but you know you should, so you do? But then it’s like you have to push & shove & pull & fight to get 2 sentences on the page… and those 2 sentences sound like utter crap.

So then you begin a cycle of writing a couple of sentences, reading it, shaking your head, back spacing.

Writing a couple of sentences, reading it, shaking your head, back spacing.

over & over & over again.

Yep! One of those days.

But I will say that I did manage to get a page or two written despite all that & while it may be a total mess when I have to edit back through later… that’s okay. Something was written & that’s always better than nothing. Gives me something to edit in the future if nothing else.

Or who knows? May edit back through & find it to be an outstanding couple of pages. Future Heather may be like this is literary gold. 😀

So here I am blogging about my writing woes. But really if that’s all I have to complain about I must say I’m doing pretty good. 🙂

Talk to you all later.
With Love,
Heather. 😀

Posted in Blog, Life, Personal Growth, Randomness

The Lies I Told…

I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I don’t care if they think I’m not good enough. I don’t care if they think I’m stupid. I don’t care if they think I’m ugly. I don’t care if they think I’m pathetic or embarrassing myself every time I speak. I just plain don’t care what a single soul thinks of me.

& I just lied.

I care. I care very much & it’s one of my biggest problems.

I hear people say what I just said, how they don’t care what anyone thinks of them, and I wish I could say it with as much certainty as they do. I can’t though.

I care when someone thinks ill of me or little of me. I care if they think I’m unattractive or unintelligent. I care. It matters to me. It bothers me & that’s a problem. One that I need to solve.

Because while I care & while it bothers me… one thing remains the same…. it does not matter what anyone thinks of me… unless I allow it to matter.

I believe it was Eleanor Roosevelt that said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” (It was, I looked it up! 😀 ) & she was entirely correct.

Lately I (& God) have been working on me. Losing weight, exercising regularly, building myself up, working on the negativity that tumbles around in my head & turning it into something better, something positive & honest. Something worthwhile. I’ve been battling out the negativity I feel towards myself at times. The low self-confidence & feelings of not being quite good enough. They’ve ruled the roost, so to speak, for a long time. & I’m a work in progress.

I still care what people think of me. Too much. & I have to find a way to, simply put, just not care.

If someone doesn’t like me… oh well. If they think I’m a big ol dummy.. Okay, good for them, moving along. If they think I’m not worthy of them… cool, whatever… you do you, Imma do me. — I have to find a way to make this my reality. — If someone just does not like me, I have to be okay with that. & not let it turn into something ugly that seeps into my soul & convinces me that I should feel bad about myself because so & so says so.

It doesn’t matter what so & so says or thinks or anything else. I have to hold on tight to what I know. It matters what God thinks & it matters what I think. I line up with what He thinks, we’re on the same page. Every one else can go on thinking or saying whatever they want. It’s irrelevant. I know this… but I have to believe it, even in those moments when I can feel that negativity trying to creep in. I have to stand with what I know matters. & the negative opinions of other people are not what matters.

So I’m going to keep inching forward, little by little, til I get there.

In fact, some lady gave me some ugly looks at the eye doctor’s office last month (my mom was with me & says she thinks the lady didn’t like my shorts. Which were appropriate mind you, I’m not about to wear booty shorts up in the eye doctor’s office. Especially not mine.. he has crosses & bible verses hanging on the walls. Jesus is all over that room! I mean, come on, that’d be awkward! Jesus, The eye doctor, me, & some booty shorts all in the same room? I don’t think so! 😀 ) Anyhow, that lady looked right at me all rude & such. & at first I looked away cause it made me uncomfortable… & then I was like, no. I didn’t do anything to her. — So instead I looked her straight in the eye, like I got your number lady & I don’t care, & then I proceeded to walk around with my head held high like I owned the place. 😀 — She only got to make me feel inferior if I let her. & I didn’t.

Now I just have to apply that to my entire life! All the time.

Work in progress. 😀

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Blog, Book Updates

Stumbling Blocks..

I think one of the hardest things about writing is second guessing myself.

I sit down one day & write several pages… and I like it. The next day I go back to pick up where I left off, read through the pages from the day before, and spend the next several hours criticizing every word I wrote the day before and attempting to rewrite it all.

It’s like… I make progress… just to go two steps backwards when I pick it up again.

It’s a little frustrating. Okay, it’s a lot frustrating.

I read a few pages to my husband the other day… and he was like, that flows really well. I like that. —- and I was thinking, flows really well? Yeah, it did when I wrote it, but now that I’m reading it to you it sounds like the worst thing ever. Lol!

I know mostly it’s just me being my own worst critic. I just can’t get out of my head sometimes. I go round and round with myself. — It’s frustrating.

I won’t quit tho. I’m not quite close enough to see the finish line yet, but I know it’s there. Kinda like when you go hiking…. at some point you are smack dab in the middle of the trail, tired, your legs ache, your hot, trying to figure out why in the world you thought it’d be a good idea in the first place…. but you hold onto the fact that at some point, you will reach the end and it’ll be a beautiful sight when you do. — Haha, tho one time I was so tired and hungry that it was knowing I’d get Doritos & Gatorade once I reached my destination. Lol… I busted those bad boys out as soon as I hit the top of that mountain. All that work… and I was so tired… but it was so worth it. & I knew it the second I sat down and twisted the cap on the bottle…. cause that was one snack that came with a view. 😉

Anyhow, gotta get back to it. 🙂

Posted in Blog, Book Updates

Slightly Frustrated…

Grrrr!!

I hate when I can’t get a character down on paper like they are in my head.

It. Is. So. Frustrating.

I just wanna scream. Like, Ahhhhh!

Why can’t you just magically appear on this paper you magnificent character you! Instead I have pages upon pages of you as awesome as you are and then like 2 pages of you that seem like a completely different person and now even if I scrap them altogether I can’t seem to manage to write anything that even remotely resembles who you are. My brain is all messed up and you now have multiple personalities. You’re welcome. No need to thank me, really. Oh, and I quit. No need to fret, only long enough to rest my brain and find some milk & cookies. Chocolate chunk to be precise. 😀  — I shall not leave you in shambles.. permanently that is, temporarily is a whole different thing. You, my friend, are on your own at the moment.

P.S. — I sort of just ranted at an imaginary character and I may be losing my mind. Lol, but don’t give up on me just yet, cause this ain’t over. 😉

Posted in Blog, Struggles, Writing

My Writing Confession…

I have a confession to make.

I suck at writing dialogue.

Why, you might ask?

I don’t know. I have this theory that it’s an overlap from being so shy that I suck at conversation in general. It’s like a person that stutters when they talk, but when they sing, it’s the most beautiful flow of words you’ve ever heard. — When I write, it just flows & it’s amazing…. right up until I hit dialogue, and then that same brick wall that comes up in actual conversations that I have, comes up when I try to make conversations happen in my writing. —

Sometimes I do an okay job at it, others, might as well just scrap what I’m writing and start over for the 100th time, Lol.

So I’m going to try to help myself out a little & make an effort to write a little more dialogue every day to see if I can get to a place where it flows like the rest of my writing. — I actually have a little story titled “Horrible Writing” because it contains a good bit of dialogue & I was so frustrated after writing it that I gave it that lovely title. Lol, I thought it fitting at the time. — A sense of humor can go a long way! 🙂

Now I’m off to write a bunch of dialogue… — Wish me luck!

Posted in Blog, Randomness

The Hotel Search…

Anybody else ever go to book a hotel room & you read the bad reviews first …. & so then you’re like, Nawp, No way Jose, I can’t live like this! — So you check out another one… & those bad reviews are worse than the first hotel. So you back out of that one as fast as your keyboard will allow & head over to hotel website #3.

Hotel 3 is just as bad as hotel #1 & on top of that is extremely outdated, so not nearly as clean. — So hotel 3 is out & you head over to website #4. This hotel looks a little more promising, still has bad reviews, but nothing so bad as hotel #2, maybe a little better than hotel’s 1 & 3. — So you think yeah, maybe this could work. — Only you take a look at the price & you’re like, nawp, sorry, no can do… not paying 400 bucks a night just to sleep!

So then you’re back at square one, or should I say, hotel #1. which is starting to look a little better…. until you check out those bad reviews again. Which you know you probably shouldn’t have done. — Because if you’d use some rational thinking you’d take into consideration that there are 300 five-star reviews, 200 four-star reviews & a total of 9 one-star and 16 two-star reviews.  — So technically the odds are in your favor. — But what if, just what if, you’re one of the unlucky ones… & you get a dirty room & blood-stained sheets or you’re charged a huge fee for smoking marijuana in your room based solely on the the house keeper’s sense of smell after you’re gone & you aren’t even there to defend yourself & your drug-free lifestyle?!

So that’s when you throw that rational thinking out the window & start the hotel search all over again! — Only to cycle back through the same thing… again & again & again. Lol! Until you finally end up deciding on hotel #1, the same reliable hotel chain you stay at all the time, and pray you are one of the 4 or 5 star reviewers at the end of your stay!

Lol, I don’t know… maybe it’s just be me, but those 1 star reviews could terrify the good sense out of anyone I tell ya!

Posted in Blog, Book Updates

About A Book…

For the first time in a while I have actually worked on my book. I pulled out all my notebooks, folders, papers, & my lap tops & just worked. All I really worked on was more plot planning & fleshing out my secondary characters… but it really felt good. — A few weeks ago I was second guessing whether I should keep on writing it or just scrap it. — I’m definitely going to keep writing it. 🙂

I worked on it a lot a while back & I spent so much time thinking about it that it just became overwhelming & kind of depressing, rather than something fun & enjoyable. Tonight I was watching t.v. and I was just itching to create something. To write and bring something to life. I was doodling all over a little notepad & it was driving me crazy. It wasn’t enough. — So I pulled everything out & just went to work. — That is by far one of the best decisions I’ve made in a while. —

I don’t want to toss my story out now. I want to complete it. I want to pull this story out of my head & finish writing it down. — It’s a little scary. It’s a lot intimidating. But it’s also possible. Most importantly, it’s worth it. — I think that’s part of what I’ve needed to come to terms with. That even though it’s a lot of hard work, time, planning, and writing… it’s worth it. Even though at times it seems overwhelming & like more of a chore rather than something I love… it’s worth it. It’s worth fighting for. It’s worth continuing.

So whenever I get fed up with it & I’m sick of seeing it because it’s driving me crazy, I think I’m just going to take a little step back, get some perspective, and then come back to it… as opposed to just giving up on it altogether. I realized long ago that I could never give up writing… I wouldn’t even know how to do that. — I’ve just recently realized that although I love writing tremendously… that it’s okay to not like it sometimes. It’s okay if writing frustrates me rather than makes me happy from time to time. It’s a lot of work… and work can do that to a person. — I’ve held on to this ideal that I have to love it all the time or not like it at all… but I’m learning that that’s not necessarily the case. 🙂

-Heather!

Posted in Blog, Life

Not Today…

It’s days like today that I can’t, even for a moment, begin to feel sorry for myself. Any other day I can find tons of reasons to complain about something I don’t like in my life. — Not today. —

Today I saw the news story of a man, a pilot, being locked into a cage & burned alive. That makes me sick, sad, and angry. It also makes me stop to think about how good my life really is. It makes me grateful. I have a wonderful husband, family, & friends. I have a roof over my head every night, food in our home, good health, transportation, we lack for nothing… Yet I can still find tons of things to complain about every single day. — But not today. —

All too often I forget the reality of the evil that is lurking out in the world. I forget that there are people imprisoned, tortured, beaten, and slaughtered all the time. I forget all about it.  — But not today. —

Today I remember. Today I was reminded. It wasn’t fair to that man to be murdered at all, much less in such a cruel way. Eventually the world is going to forget about that story. It’s going to become old news just like all the rest. It’s going to get lost in all of the new stories. — But not today. —

Today people are talking about it. Today people are angry & upset. Today people are thanking God for all the blessings in their lives and praying for the world.

I just hope that we don’t all forget by tomorrow… because the moment we do, no matter when it is, it will be too soon.

-Heather.

Posted in Blog, Struggles

An Ugly Truth…

Looking back I can honestly say that this has been the toughest year of my life.

In March I decided I would take writing my book seriously… and in March life started to fall apart. By May I had given up & forgotten about it. Life got better.  — In June I decided to start this blog to help me get more comfortable with interacting & to recommit myself to my book… and in July life started to fall apart, worse than before. It didn’t take long & I stopped working on my book & I stopped blogging for a while. Life got better. — By October/November or so I decided to get serious about my book & blogging again… and life started to fall apart… eventually I gave up again. Life got better.

This month I realized the blog is working. I am getting more comfortable with myself & better with people. That is huge. I love that I’m improving. I hate living in a box just because I’m so afraid of what the world thinks. So I decided to start blogging again, working on my book, & fighting my fear of interacting with people… & once again, life is starting to fall apart all around me. — The struggle is getting real.

I want to become who I know I can be if I’d just let myself live.

—I strongly believe, without a doubt, in Jesus Christ. With that belief comes Satan as well. He came to steal, kill, & destroy. & every time I start trying to get my life on track, everything starts to fall apart. I get attacked from every which way… and it doesn’t stop until I crumble. — I always crumble. Eventually I can’t take it anymore & I just stop where I’m at, throw up my hands, and quit. — I’m so tired of crumbling & I’m so tired of quitting even if does make life more comfortable. —

I sometimes wonder what’s out there for me that Satan is working so hard to keep me from? What is it that I am capable of that he never wants me to figure out? — Every time I try to move forward.. everything goes wrong. If I stay right where I am, just like I am… terrified of everything, then I have no problems. But as long as I stay frozen in this place & afraid… Life is okay. It’s not what I want, but it’s okay. I don’t feel attacked & I don’t feel helpless… I can breathe.

I have decided to blog, write my book, work on my anxiety, push myself, & break free from this miserably lonely prison I’m in. That was about two weeks ago… and I’m already feeling the heat. The walls are closing in & I am desperately trying to keep them back. — I haven’t quit yet. Not this time, not yet. I don’t want to. — This is such a tough war to fight & I really don’t want to lose again. — Heaven help me, I really don’t want to lose again. I see progress in myself. I see cracks in the shell I live in. I feel different. I feel change. I have real hope for the first time ever. — & I don’t want to lose that.

(I don’t know what the purpose of this post is… I just had to vent. I had to say that out loud, put it down on paper, or something. So I figure why not share? This blog is all about my journey from where I am to where I’m going. Thought I’d let you guys know why my book is taking foreverrrr to get written, lol)

As Always,
Heather! 🙂