A Purpose Lies Ahead…

I wanna say a little something real quick.

While working out earlier it hit me that some times in life we get in places where we can’t see past where we are currently at. Especially when those places are painful. When we don’t know which way is up or down & we can’t seem to claw our way out of the darkness we find ourselves in. It can get hard & tunnel vision becomes a real thing.

I’ve been there. As I’m sure most people have been. — Once upon a time I couldn’t see how or why in the world I was ever going to make it. It’s now years later… & I can see it.

I used to think there was no hope. I used to think that I was so incredibly broken that I would forever be in pieces. I couldn’t understand why in the world God would have me here, on this Earth, so shredded & torn apart. & I used to ask Him, why? Not why am I in pain or why is this misery in my life… but why am I here at all when this place is breaking me & I could be with You instead? Because I knew back then.. Ya know, this is a fallen world & full of sin & it’s bound to be a hard place to be sometimes. So that’s not the question I had for Him when asking why… it was why am I here, rather than why does it hurt so much.

In those moments, when I was lost in my own misery, He would always show up. Never giving up, never quitting on me. He would show up with an I love you, it’s going to be alright, I’m with you, you’re not alone. But I would still struggle with the why.

Because I could never see past the pain. I couldn’t see down the road, to the future. I couldn’t see what was on the other side. Or even a light at the end of the tunnel. It appeared to be darkness ahead.

All I saw was my shattered soul & broken spirit. A girl getting swallowed up by the world.

All those years ago I asked why. I begged & I pleaded. Why? But there was so much pain & turmoil I couldn’t see through it.

God has a plan for my life. It made zero since to me back then. I couldn’t fathom how that girl, who she was all those years ago… how she would possibly fit into any plans He had. So it didn’t make sense & I couldn’t see it.

But I can see it now. Because that girl… she fought, clawed, & climbed her way out of the darkness. (Slowly & not of her own strength, mind you.) — & when she came out on the other side… she was no longer the same person. She could see.

Every day I still fight the good fight, trying to keep my head up above the water. I keep moving forward, little by little. Good days & bad days, doesn’t matter, I keep fighting. Because I know why now. & because I know why… the will to fight doesn’t come from just trying to survive anymore… it comes from knowing that God has a plan & a purpose for me & my life & I have to keep moving forward to execute it.

So to anyone out there who reads this… God has a purpose for you. Whether you can see it or not… it’s true. So if you ever find yourself where I once was, feeling like you’re lost & you can’t figure out why in the world you’re here. That’s why. — & it’s a beautiful reason to be here. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read This… Pretty Please? :)

Haven’t been on here in ages. Just went scrolling through my old blog posts… reading & such… after a while I was like… wait.. I wrote this? Holy crap… I can write! — Haha!

Cause we all know writers are their own worst critics & after writing things wonder if it was a big mistake that made about zero sense. Turns out…. I’m pretty good. (takes moment to pat self on back 😀 )

So now that that’s over…. all that humble “go me” stuff & such.. I have stuff to tell you all!

First… I made lifestyle changes. We all know that means someone went on a diet… amiright? But seriously…. I did! I prefer to think of it as a lifestyle change tho… cause I can’t go back to what I was doing before. It’s why I needed to lose 30 lbs to begin with. — Anyhow… I don’t drink soda very often anymore… water is my primary source of hydration beverages. & surprisingly (Okay.. it surprised me.. maybe it won’t y’all.) I don’t even crave coke anymore. I used to drink it every single day. Waaaaaayy more of it than I should have been too. Anyhow… not the case anymore. — Water, water, water! (Tho every once in a while I do have a little coke. A treat, if you will. )

Lifestyle changes continued: I exercise! Every. Single. Day. — Without fail! — (Okay, mostly without fail. I have skipped a day here or there… but it’s rare & I usually replace it with some other calorie burning activity when I do. — I’m no slacker! ( she says as she conveniently ignores that she’s a slacker in regards to things like writing consistently..  😀 . Moving on… — Coupled with this… I watch my calorie intake & make sure I burn more than I consume on the daily. — For real… I have notebooks & every thing. All of this is written record.

Anyhow.. Started this in February.. It’s May… I’ve lost 25 lbs! (Okay it’s technically 24 lbs.. but come onnnnn…. I’m right there… just let me have it.. ;D )

Also.. I love exercising! I get super cranky if I have to go several days without doing so. (Which did happen when I tweaked my knee a few weeks ago… I was one big ol’ grump!) Anyhow…. Once I’ve lost all I intend too..  I’ll just change-up the calorie intake… burn the equivalent through regular exercise as often as possible & drink water… cause.. well.. I like it… & my body thanks me. lol! — So yeah.. that’s fun stuff, right? —

Ohh… btw.. I’ve always had slightly bigger ears than I wanted growing up. Not super big… but bigger than I would have preferred. You know, as a young lady. Anyhow.. I noticed last night… like.. why are my ears so noticeable all of a sudden? They seem to pop a little more in the mirror… what’s happening? & then it dawned on me… my face is thinner, my neck is thinner…. anddddd my ears are the same as always… just now they are like hey, here we are. You forgot about us because we blended in.. but now we stand out. Lookie lookie! — Yeah… that’s a thing for me now. But luckily… I’m an adult now… & way less self-conscious about them than I used to be. So we’re just gonna roll with it… the price you pay, I say.

Moving on…

Imma start writing again. I’ve really been focused on a better me. Like.. mentally, emotionally, & physically. All this exercise & losing weight & being healthy… has also been coupled with working on a better head space. A more confident me. A me that believes in me & invests in me. So I intend to roll back in with the writing also.

After reading through some of my blog posts there are several that I know good & well I didn’t share on the Facebook because I didn’t want to ruffle feathers or offend anyone. I’m a peace keeper, I am. But.. peace keeper or not… I fully intend to share them. I write. It’s what I do. If someone doesn’t like what or how I write… that’s their problem.. not mine. (Seeeeee… look at all the personal growth!) 🙂 — It’s the water… all the wisdom.. comes from the increased water intake, I’m sure.. 🙂

Anyhow.. this is already too long! So… lovely chatting with you all… talk soon! 🙂

 

 

 

 

Not Everything Changes..

I recently moved about an hour from the town I’ve lived in my entire life.

Bought a house, moved further away from family, shop in completely different towns now. Every thing is different. There is so much change. — & I am a creature of habit for sure.

It’s been stressful. It’s been strange. it’s been fun & exciting too… there are pros and cons galore. Our dog has been adjusting… she is also a creature of habit. She’s now a bigger baby than she was before… tho I didn’t think that was possible before now.. ;). Life’s just been different.

I used to live out in the country. No neighbors nearby. Now I live.. well, still sorta out in the country… just in a subdivision with a ton of neighbors. They are lovely people… but it’s still different for someone who has never really had so many people around all the time.

Back at my old home.,.. I used to sit outside at night, under the stars, in the dark… turn some music on, close my eyes, & let all of the stress and anxieties of life just slip away for a while. — It has always been my de-stresser. The one thing that kept me going when life got tough. Somehow.. it just does wonders for my soul. I always feel more at peace afterwards. It’s my thing. 🙂

Since I moved… oh, like 4 months ago, that has not happened. Not even once. Suddenly there are neighbors every where… I don’t want to disturb them somehow… I also watch a lot of Dateline… & well… I don’t want to show up on an episode of that… lol. So I just haven’t bothered to sit outside at 2 am cause.. well, it’s all so different here.

Tonight tho… I did just that. Went outside, popped my headphones in, leaned back in a chair, & let all my worries wash away for a while.

It was fantastic. Absolutely amazing. & Oh how I had missed it so much.

Sometimes things all around us change. Life becomes different & unfamiliar. We create new normals & move in all sorts of directions. It’s always full of happiness & excitement… but it also has it’s downsides… it can be uncomfortable & difficult too. But when everything around you changes… there are still some things that will always stay the same.

For me.. that’s washing away stress under the stars after midnight. For you, I’m sure it’s something else entirely. But it’s nice… that despite all the changes in life… some things are just a part of who we are. 🙂

When Past & Present Collide…

My junior year in high school, we were given a project to do in lit class. Pick two songs with lyrics that meant something to us or inspired us in some way, that sort of thing. We could either assemble them into a scrap-book or write them on a white t-shirt, one on the front, the other on the back… then present them to the class & explain why we chose them. — I only remember one of the songs I chose. I can’t for the life of me remember the other one. But as it doesn’t pertain what I’m about to share, I guess it doesn’t really matter. — What does matter, however, is the song I do remember.

Stand, by Rascal Flatts. I remember thinking back then, this really isn’t a cool song. I almost, in fact, traded it in for something more hip & teenager-like. I mean, at 16, those aren’t really the kind of songs teenagers are blasting on their radios. Anyhow, I went with it in the end. & looking back now, I’m glad I did.

I just heard it again. For the first time in ages. & just like when I was younger, it encouraged me & spoke to me, in that way only music can do. — If you don’t know, these are just some of the lyrics….

“Cause when push comes to shove,
You taste what you’re made of.
You might bend till you break,
‘Cause it’s all you can take.
On your knees, you look up,
Decide you’ve had enough.
You get mad, you get strong,
Wipe your hands, shake it off,
Then you stand.”

Life is a beautiful journey. It’s a gift & worth every second. Having said that tho, it’s not always fun. It’s not always pretty, & it’s not always easy. It’s full of pain, anger, sadness, loss, & loneliness. So much heartbreak & so many struggles. It’s a journey that is filled with a lot of ugliness along the way. Some that we talk about & share with others, some that we keep to ourselves & don’t speak of. But what doesn’t change, is that it’s there & changes shape throughout life.

Lately, some of that ugliness has been creeping in & keeping me company despite that I didn’t invite it or welcome it once it waltzed through the door.

Ya see, I think for all of us, it’s the same. We’re pushed & we’re shoved, until we bend & we break… we get knocked down. That’s something I knew back then, & I know it now. There’s only one thing for us to do afterwards though…  & that’s stand back up. We stand & we keep going… because that’s life.

Anyhow, I heard that song tonight & just like back then, I could feel the determination to get back up & keep on going. I could feel a difference inside myself the moment the tide turned. — All from lyrics to a song I knew meant something years ago. Because it’s a message that stands the test of time. —

You can be just a teenage girl in a very big world, picking out a song that encourages you for a school project, without even realizing just how much truth is in the very lyrics that you chose. Not realizing how much you’d bend & break in the years to come. Or without knowing how many times you’d brush yourself off & get back up. — It’s funny… cause I knew, but at the same time I didn’t know.

If you’re reading this… & you’ve taken a tumble recently, maybe give the song a listen. You might like it. 🙂

Every time we get back up, even if we have to fight & claw our way there, we’ve made it. & that’s something. 🙂

 

 

What You Don’t Know About Me…

It’s amazing how quickly people will decide they know something about you. It drives me crazy sometimes. Some people are not open books, myself included. In that case, there may be a lot people can’t see when they look at you. —

I write, which up until a few months ago nobody really knew about me. I don’t talk much, but not because I have nothing to say… it’s because I get really nervous and can’t seem to get the right words out. Most of the time I seem like I have no ambition & very few goals, which is not the case. — I have a lot of things I want to do.. big things, I just have to get out of my comfort zone to do them, and I’m not ready yet (but I’m getting there.) — I spent my entire childhood not wanting children, when in fact, as I got older I realized I do… I want to adopt. — I want to spend my life helping others. — I don’t want to look back & regret a moment where I didn’t lend someone the helping hand they needed. — I want to live in a way that when people look at my life they see Jesus Christ. —

I’m just not an open book about it. Not yet anyway. I’m getting my voice. I’m learning to be me out in the open. It’s just taking time. I’m growing as a person and I see a little bit of progress everyday. (& I like it!)

Looking at my life from a distance, people aren’t going to see these things. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t there. That doesn’t mean I’m not a complex individual with a lot to offer the world. — It just means that people have to get a closer look at me before they decide they have me all figured out.

So to everyone that reads this… maybe get to know your family, friends, or neighbors a little better. See if there is something really great about them that maybe you never knew about before. Most likely, there is. We’re all amazing people! 🙂