Tag Archives: Humor

Got Caught Up In The Bargain Cave! (With A Sexy Lumberjack!) … Sort of.

I’m over here doing some online shopping for a camping trip. A task, which my husband has left to me, cause, well… y’all… I like to shop. If ever there were any doubt…

I’m on Bass Pro’s website, already got those fancy mosquito repellent candles in my cart, when I see in huge, red letters… BARGAIN CAVE.

A bargain, you say?! A whole cave full of them?! For me? Why, yes, that sounds lovely! I think I’ll check that out! <Me, to the computer> As if it could hear me. (Although, honestly, conspiracy theorists unite! *fist bump* Cause, well, it can hear me! It’s listening to us all!)

Anyway, I ventured into the cave! Whether this was my first mistake or not, I have no idea. I’ve been online shopping for an hour. It could well be just one mistake in a long line! Anyhoo, I have since put in batteries I’m not sure we even need, a flannel shirt-jacket cause I think my husband would make a sexy lumberjack, and about 72 various coffee mugs. (Okay, I admit, that last part is a bit of an exaggeration.) And as much as I want to see my sexy lumberjack drinking his coffee out of a manly looking mug with a grizzly bear on it… I took the jacket and the mugs out of the cart. Cause, well, I don’t actually need them. (Neither does my husband, who now, I will never get to have lumberjack fantasies about!) Maybe I should put that one back in the cart after all, eh? Give him an axe, a beard, sexy flannel jacket… manly coffee mug…… See! Now we’re back where we started!

Anyway, next thing I know, I’m looking at flashlights, and they’re trying to sale me a $200 bargain flashlight! $200! They promised me bargains… and see, I know that thing was listed for like, $295, so technically, it’s a bargain. But ya girl is over here looking for a $20 flashlight at best. Y’all done lured me down into this cave, on the premise I’d get bargains… and all I got was a lot of batteries, a lumberjack fantasy going nowhere, and coffee mugs that won’t fit in my kitchen cabinet, cause well, I buy too many of those things as it is!

Then there are the deals that are so good I don’t want to pass them up. A $12 tent? Why, yes! Give me that! Except… we have two tents as it is! We don’t need another one. We sho don’t need a three person tent with two big ol’ adults and a giant dog!

And this, my friends, is what online shopping looks like in our house. Wish me luck as I dive back in! Cause I’m not finished yet. I’m not even halfway into the bargain cave, and I already tried to convince myself to just put the camo duffel bag into my cart and buy it. And for what reason, I have no idea. I don’t need a camo duffle bag! I’m not trying to blend in when I’m camping, sho not trying to do it when I’m hiking, I don’t want to get shot by a hunter who thinks I’m a deer. There are posted signs for that! Wear bright colors! Hunters abound! And I don’t hunt, (I’m a bleeding heart if there ever was one) so I sure don’t need it for that. I own one camo shirt, and it came from Old Navy. I ain’t even about that camo life, and I’m trying to snap up a big ole’ camo duffle like I need it for something.

What I actually need… is to behave myself when I’m shopping. But… that’s unlikely, so, who knows what’ll happen next!

The Story Of A Picture… β€οΈ

It’s me! πŸ˜‰

There’s a chance you’re lookin’ at this thinkin’ … Why? Why are you uploading a selfie to your blog, Heather?!Β 

Well, I’ll tell you.

Few things about this picture… 

1. I just took it. At (looks at clock) 2am. So ignore the glassy eyed look. It’s late. I’m tired. I haven’t been tossing em back tonight. I’d tell you if I had been!Β  😘

2. It’s black and white. I’m in my living room, and the only light on in here is a dim little lamp. It cast an ugly shade of yellow over this whole picture, and we couldn’t have that now could we?! (We couldn’t! It was hideous!)

3. I have a pimple! (Okay, two! πŸ‘€) Ignore it. My skin led a revolt against me this week and fired some very ungentlemenly shots my way. We’re still at war, but I’m winning!Β (Please note… The opposition was out of bounds and will be tried for war crimes immediately upon my win.)

4. There’s some awkward arm placement going on here… cause, well, I’m in my jammies, and I’m not wearing a bra. Need I explain further? (I think not. I’m sure you get the gist! πŸ˜‚)

5. And the reason I took this picture despite one through four being darn good reasons I shouldn’t have… I cut my hair tonight.Β 

Why does that matter? It doesn’t really.

It was long last year. And for many years before that. But after losing 40 lbs and realizing I hid behind my hair like some sort of security blanket… I chopped off like eight inches back in November.Β (Yes, I did that.)

A few months ago I saw a picture from last Easter and was like, I miss my long hair! I’mma let it grow back out. So I have been. And I really do miss it. But I wear my hair up more than I wear it down. And since it has grown back out about five inches, I realize how much it hurts to wear it up when it’s longer! Geez, it’s annoying. And painful!

So the great debate ensued. To cut or not to cut? (I cut my own hair, btw. YouTube tutorials made that possible, and then practice for the last four years has made it darn near perfect. — Most of the time. πŸ˜‚)

Anyway… it came down to vanity or comfort. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my shorter or more medium-length hair. I like it. I just happen to love it when it’s longer… if it’s down, that is. If it’s up, I do not. It hurts. See the problem? I can’t have it both ways. Unfortunately.Β 

And In the end…. I went with comfort. Chopped off roughly two and a half inches, got back into comfy ponytail and messy bun territory… and I’m quite happy.Β 

I took the picture because I was happy.Β That’s it. That’s why.

Thought I’d tell you the story that went with the photo.

Riveting, isn’t it? πŸ˜‚ (We all better hope I write more interesting novels than this drivel. 😘)

Bested By The Dog… Again.

I have a dog for sale. She’s a lovely black Labrador Retriever. She has big brown eyes and a pretty, silky coat. Her ears perk up all cute when you grab a pack of crackers, she loves long walks, and she’s fully potty trained. We’ve had her seven years. And she’s mostly well-behaved. She can be a pain in the rear end though. But you’ll easily overlook that as long as you keep in mind her adorable little face and her overly-waggy tail. I’m sure you’re asking yourself, why in the world would someone part with such a great dog?

Oh, I’ll tell you why!

Little miss came and sat in front of me. Just sat and stared. This means, Hey, Mom! I have to potty. Take me outside please. Except for when it doesn’t because the little manipulator just wants to go outside.

I told her no. (Don’t get it twisted, she went out four hours ago. She was fine.) Anyway, she just kept staring. So naturally, I explained myself. I said, “No. It’s cold.” She stared some more. So I said, “No. It’s 27 degrees outside. I won’t do it.” Now see here, some of you are probably thinking, you think that’s cold? Whaaat?! Well, I live in South Georgia. It only dips into the twenties a handful of times a year. That’s cold for us! — Anyway, she’s covered in fur, so what does she care? (She doesn’t.) So she just stared some more. So I stared back. Intimidation tactic 101. (This did not work.) She scooted closer and stared some more. I continued telling her, “No. No way. Won’t do it.”

As you can probably guess, I did it. Just in case she actually had to go, I didn’t want to be mean and refuse to let her. But, alas, it turns out I knew her all too well.

So there I was, in a pair of fuzzy socks, pajama shorts, a long sleeve tee, and wrapped in a fleece blanket, standing on our little back patio in 27 degree weather. Where was the dog? Oh, she was standing in the middle of the yard, staring at me like, I know you didn’t put shoes on, so I know you can’t come out here and get me. *sniffs around* *Looks up and stares again* Isn’t it nice out? I’m going to sniff over there now… *Goes and sniffs somewhere else.* — All the while, I’m telling her to come on, get inside. And she just keeps looking at me like, Why would I do that? You’re the dummy that brought me out here. Sucker!

After about two minutes, I’d had enough. The dog did not have to pee, and she was not the least bit ashamed of her behavior. In fact, she went over and scooped up a stick, toting it around, prancing about the yard like I wasn’t standing there telling her to get her butt inside.

What y’all don’t know, is that she’s a big chicken. Big. Chicken. Chick-Chick-Chick-Chicken! Seriously, she’s a fraidy cat. So I said, alright, that’s it. I marched myself inside and shut the door and the curtain. You know what she doesn’t like… thinking she’s stuck outside in the dark by herself and can’t get inside. The closing of the curtain was the real kicker. That was when she was like, Uh-oh! Mama can’t see me on the other side of the door anymore. This is bad. — Because like most dogs, she comes to the backdoor when she’s ready to come in. But we don’t close the curtain. Not when she’s outside. So little miss thought she was locked out. (I was peeking through the curtain.) Which is how I saw her race up and stare at the door like, let me in! And because it was after midnight and I didn’t want her to disturb the neighbors by barking, I only made her stand there a minute before I let her in.

And do you know what she did? Danced over to the laundry room where we keep the treats like she was about to get one. No siree! Not on my watch. (Seriously, she didn’t get one. We do not reward blatant disobedience in this house.) (Well, most of time. She slides by on occasion. What can I say, we’re only human!)

Obviously I’m not really selling the dog. She would be, and this is no understatement, completely devastated. Absolutely heartbroken and incredibly depressed. Seven years is a long time. And I joke, but we, my husband and I, would be just as devastated. Again, seven years is a long time. We’re all attached to each other, and it’s til death do us part. (Even if she drives us crazy along the way. — Which she is good at!)

It’s The End Of The World… Sort Of.

Sometimes I have these wild, vivid dreams. They’re totally out in left field, with a movie-like quality. They’re also wildly entertaining.

Here’s one from the other night…

It was the end of the world. Or something like that. Some catastrophic event that killed millions of people and sent the rest of us fleeing for our lives. The sky looked like it was burning. A pink haze hung in the air. No idea what had happened. But I ended up with a group of people, several of which in that party I didn’t trust. And I had good reason, apparently. Because the middle-aged, balding, short, stout man in charge was sneaking off to the Krystal’s down the street somewhere, stealing all the little burgers for himself, refusing to share any with the rest of us! He was also wearing his Krystal’s work shirt. He was manager or something like that. He was hiding them in a fridge in an old barn. Him and some accomplice. Anyway, we made him share. It was that or he was on his own. He chose sharing, of course.

Then we set off on foot through a jungle. Now why there was a Krystal’s near a jungle… I do not know! Dream Heather can’t explain any of that. Anyway, fast forward, we’re in a tree house of some sort, staring out at the the weird, pink, scary sky, and somehow, no idea how, I had a daughter. A little blonde-haired girl who wouldn’t let go of me. Now I didn’t have a daughter when the Krystal fiasco went down, so I don’t know how that came to be. Maybe I had her stashed away somewhere. I don’t know. But she was there and she was mine.

Then this gorgeous, dark haired, muscled, greek-like God of a man, with no shirt on, came up in the tree house… And looked right at me. Uh-oh.

With panther-like precision he made his way over to us. Me and my daughter. His name was Gabriel and he turned out to be her father!! 😯 (Dream Heather and reality Heather collided here, cause I thought, don’t I have a husband somewhere, and looked out over the railing of the treehouse. I decided he must not exist here and turned back to my handsome dream man. — Don’t judge me. He was dream Heather’s baby daddy after all! πŸ˜‚)

Then we all argued, the whole party, about which way to go, before deciding to split up. We decended the stairs of the tree house and went out into the pink, foggy forest…..

And then I woke up!

I don’t know where these things come from. πŸ˜‚ But they are entertaining to say the least.

Heather! ❀️

Betrayed By My Shampoo!!

I tried a fancy shampoo. Okay, by fancy I mean I paid like $5 more than I normally do for shampoo. πŸ˜‚ But still, I went out on a limb here.

If you want to know how poor this decision ended up being… Keep reading…

I want to preface this by saying I have naturally oily hair. Like, I have to wash my hair everyday or it’s icky and oily. Long as I wash it every 24 or so hours, it looks good and there aren’t any problems. (Except if I were a character in a dystopian novel! Then there would be problems. Those people run around without showering for days. What do the naturally oily haired people do?! It’s literally something I ponder every time I read one. They just run around looking nasty while saving the world? Ain’t read one yet where the characters were described as anything but attractive and looking nice….dirty, but nice. Soooo… where’s my oily headed folks?! We matter too! πŸ˜‚)

I’m going to get back on topic now… (I apologize. 😁)

Day 1: I got this new shampoo, it smelled really good, I was excited. I used it and noticed my hair seemed kinda soft, felt kinda nice. I was like, okay, this isn’t bad. — I didn’t quite love it, though. I kind of got the impression it was on the verge of feeling oily, but not quite.

Day 2: I committed to giving it a real try, so I used it the next day. It was definitely oily. Immediately after blow drying my hair I could see and feel the oil in it. Nothing crazy, but noticable to me. — This was not a good sign.

Day 3: I used a teeny tiny amount, thinking, okay maybe it’s just too much of a good thing. …… No. Even more oily. Like I washed and dried my hair and then threw it up in a messy bun cause it was too oily for wearing down. (I was around the house, so no one was seeing this awful hair. πŸ˜‚)

Day 4: I paid five extra dollars. I’m determined to use it. The entire bottle. No matter what. πŸ˜‚ So I used a teeny tiny amount again. Teeny tiny. — Oily again. Even worse than before. — By this point I’m starting to weaken. But not quite enough yet….

Day 5: Contemplated using the little bit of the Aussie shampoo I had left when I bought the new one. Decided not to. I paid an extra $5 after all. This was serious! Well, by this time I’d figured out the shampoo was leaving extra product in my hair, likely as a way of moisturizing or adding oil for people who need that sort of thing. (Which is most assuredly not me!) — I got in the shower, washed my hair, and even while it was wet and had been throughly rinsed out, I could feel the oil. It felt gross and slimy. — But I was determined. (Stubborn’s more like it! πŸ˜‚)

Day 5 continued: I thought about rewashing with the other shampoo before hopping out of the shower. But I did not. Instead, I soldiered on. Thirty minutes later, halfway through drying my hair, I was thoroughly disgusted. It was so oily it felt just plain nasty. I mean nasty! I touched it and even my hand felt greasy. Like I just showered and I felt dirty. — It was at that moment I lost the battle.

Day 5 moving right along: With my hair half dry, I grabbed the bottle of Aussie and washed my hair under the faucet in the bathtub, hoping it would strip all the product out of my hair. — Praise be to Jesus, because y’all, my hair is no longer oily! πŸ˜‚

Let this be a lesson to you all… Every hair type needs something different, all shampoos are not created equally… And if you’re too stubborn, you may just end up with gross, icky hair for days. Sometimes it’s better to waste ten bucks and retain your sanity! πŸ˜‚

Also, Mom, I know you’re reading this. I have some shampoo for you to try! Let’s hope you have better luck with it than I did. (& don’t let Dad use it, he’s the one that gave me this hair!) 😘

Heather! ❀️

Wild, Riveting Content…

I know you came here for the riveting content I consistently put out. Well, you’re in luck, have I got some for you!

My Saturday went like this… I woke up. Late. On purpose. What can I say? I like to sleep in. I watched tv. I whipped up some homemade peanut butter cookies. Wasted time on the internet. Let the dog out, then made her come back in because she was barking at the neighbors all rude-like. We taught her manners, she’s just… ya know… stubborn. I watched more tv. I worked out. I watched some YouTube videos. I made grits and eggs for dinner. Wasted a little more time on the internet. Then, and only then, did I pop open my computer to get some work done. That was two hours ago. So I’ve spent roughly two hours writing, while only eating one peanut butter cookie during that time, and taking only this one break right now, where I’m typing up this nice, fancy blog post.

Nice, huh?

If you’re disappointed, well, clearly you didn’t know this was what my riveting content consists of. I guess I could have tried to hype it a little. Tell you that I watched a documentary about a whole pirate island that sank to the bottom of the ocean! Or that our outdoor critters ate all the corn off their little corncobs today! That’s right, that happened. Oh, and if you want a really interesting tidbit, I washed the dishes after baking cookies instead of letting them sit in the sink! (gasp!!)

This, folks, is my glamours life. πŸ˜‰

Now I’m going to do some more fascinating things… Like more work, take a shower, watch more tv, go to sleep. Stuff like that. 😘 — See y’all later!

Heather. ❀️

Gimme All The Food!

I did a bad thing.

I went down the cooking/recipe rabbit hole on YouTube… (I even subscribed to a couple channels, ya know… So they can keep me apprised of all things food.)

Now I want to make cheesy enchiladas, chocolate chip cookies, salmon, French toast, chili, grilled cheese sandwiches, mac and cheese, cinnamon rolls, sloppy joes, queso, and a multitude of other things.

I’m also hungry now, and it’s midnight. So not only did I do this, I did it late at night, like a dumbo! πŸ˜‚

If any of you see me at the grocery store tomorrow with a cart full of groceries I don’t need…. Look away! Just look away! πŸ˜‚

In other news, and entirely unrelated to what just happened here, I’m going to the kitchen now. Not to raid it or anything crazy like that. Ya know, just to sit in it. Admire the room. That sort of thing. Nothing at all suspicious about that!

See y’all!

Heather. ❀️

Area 51, Measles, & Board Games…

I’m supposed to be working right now. I’d rather talk to y’all though! πŸ˜€

What ya want to talk about? Area 51? How I got bit by like a hundred mosquitoes earlier & my husband said I look like I have the measles now? Maybe that I have not exercised yet, & I still need to? Music? Work? My obvious procrastination? Or maybe my less obvious obsession with board games? (Okay, that’s not exactly less obvious. Well, here it is. My husband would beg to differ!)

We’ll go in order!

  1. Area 51: Aliens? Maybe. I mean, I’ve seen Independence day… that was a documentary, yeah? Seems reasonable.
  2. Mosquitoes: Are those little buggers not the devils own spawn? I’d say so! I’ve got like 30 mosquito bites on just ONE leg! ONE! — Just outside, trying to talk to my Mama on the phone, and it was like attack of the swarming mosquitoes. Is that a horror film, yet? It should be. It’s a brilliant, and scarily accurate, depiction of reality.
  3. Exercise: I have not done so, yet. But I will. I’m going to work it in, just as soon as I finish up this blog post. In a moment of seriousness here, working out regularly & staying committed to it for the last year & half is one the best decisions I’ve ever made. — Hands down. No question.
  4. Music: Currently listening toΒ I’m Coming Over,Β by Chris Young. — Two thumbs up for some good ol’ country.
  5. Work: Got some work done today! — Added a new scene to novel 1, Forgiving Anna. Still have one more to add, as well as more edits. — Pray for me? Yeah. — This is not fun stuff!
  6. Procrastination: Does this really need explaining? I don’t think it does. Y’all know.
  7. Board Games: Oooo! This one is fun! I am 28 years old, but I don’t care how old you are, board games never go out of style. They are good, wholesome, family fun. And I, for one, can say with pride that my obsession means I have a closet full of board game fun waiting on my future children. — For now, my husband, as well as extended family & friends, will be the only ones subjected to the board game madness that is family fun night. Don’t like board games & you’re at my house? Pretend. — Don’t want to pretend? Get out. — Just kiddin, just kiddin! — You can stay. But you will miss out on fun & memories, and you’ll only have yourself to blame for it. πŸ˜‰

I believe that’s the end of our list. Check in with y’all later.
Love To All,
Heather. πŸ˜€

Work, Run, Parakeet?!

I behaved myself like a responsible adult today, and worked. Also, like a responsible adult, 30 minute run, made dinner instead of asking my husband to grab take-out.

I mean y’all… I’m a fully functioning adult! πŸ˜€ Procrastinate? What’s that word mean? *shrugs* I don’t know. (Just kiddin…. I know it well.)

I’ve been editing all day. Which I despise. DESPISE!! HATE IT! ABSOLUTELY DON’T LIKE TO DO IT! (I put that in all-caps, not to yell at you, but so that you understood the severity of my dislike for editing.)

I like to tell y’all about my day, what’s going on and stuff, but that’s literally it. Edit. Run. Eat. Oh!! YouTube. I take these little teeny, tiny breaks every hour or so, so I don’t lose my mind, and I watch snippets of YouTube videos sometimes, which I also did.

That is it. I apologize for being boring. I have no thrills for you guys today. Of course, some of you are probably thinking….. Uhhh, girl is always boring. — That’s fair. *nods* I understand.

I’m exciting though. I have stories. I was bitten by a parakeet when I was a kid. Mean little bird. He was this little bright green and yellow feathered bird, and I was feeding him for my grandma, because she had several birds, and that little nugget bit me! Drew blood and everything! I had to get a bandage. And unlike Spider-Man, I did not receive any fancy super powers. I do not have feathers, and I cannot fly.

So there’s an entertaining story time for you. My life is thrilling, and this is riveting content. (It’s not, I apologize. *shakes head*)

Love To All,
Heather! πŸ˜€

Fall, Noodles, & Free Entertainment…

I’m about to turn on a lamp, dive under my covers, and open up a book.

But before I do, I thought I’d pop in and say hi, so hi! πŸ˜€

I didn’t know what I’d say when I got here, just thought a blog post was long overdue. So here’s to making it up as I go…..

  1. My dog is absolutely adorable. I mean, she surpasses adorable, and is downright the cutest, cuddliest, fur buddy ever. She’s also snuggled up nearby, and I’d like to reiterate… cutest ever! (I’m biased, I know. Sue me! — Please don’t. No one wants to be sued. πŸ˜€ )
  2. I want a donut… but I ate them all.
  3. My neighbors were jamming out to some Latin music earlier & I feel compelled to tell you that I was in my backyard dancing like there was no tomorrow. As was my husband. — Free entertainment you guys, free entertainment!
  4. I have a pile of laundry I need to do. ——— Said laundry currently resides in a basket… where it will stay for the night. & quite possibly the next night. & the night after that…. Maybe even the night after that… *shrugs* (I can never be too sure about these things.)
  5. My husband is on xbox live & just caught my attention to tell me that someone’s username/gamer name/I don’t know what the names are called, is “Did you poop today?” —- First, why is this their name? Second, why interrupt me for that? — Husbands.
  6. It’s almost fall, y’all! I can’t wait for the first legit cold front to move through, cause y’all know South GA takes forever to cool off… and grab a hoodie, hop in the truck, roll the windows down, and hit the back roads! It’s my favorite!
  7. I just sloshed water out of my glass & onto myself AND a blanket. — Oops.
  8. In an effort to be transparent, I’d also like to tell you that I’ve run out of random things to say, and I’m now racking my brain. For something. Anything.
  9. I thought I had lazagna noodles in my pantry today, but turned out I only had spaghetti noodles. (Yes, this is the grand idea I thought of to share with you. So sorry.)
  10. & last, but not least, I’m about to re-read Cold-Hearted Rake, by Lisa Kleypas.

There’s 10 random tidbits for your entertainment! Surely not as interesting as my dancing earlier, but it’s something. πŸ˜‰

Love to all!
Heather. πŸ˜€