Tag Archives: Hope

An Ugly Truth…

Looking back I can honestly say that this has been the toughest year of my life.

In March I decided I would take writing my book seriously… and in March life started to fall apart. By May I had given up & forgotten about it. Life got better.  — In June I decided to start this blog to help me get more comfortable with interacting & to recommit myself to my book… and in July life started to fall apart, worse than before. It didn’t take long & I stopped working on my book & I stopped blogging for a while. Life got better. — By October/November or so I decided to get serious about my book & blogging again… and life started to fall apart… eventually I gave up again. Life got better.

This month I realized the blog is working. I am getting more comfortable with myself & better with people. That is huge. I love that I’m improving. I hate living in a box just because I’m so afraid of what the world thinks. So I decided to start blogging again, working on my book, & fighting my fear of interacting with people… & once again, life is starting to fall apart all around me. — The struggle is getting real.

I want to become who I know I can be if I’d just let myself live.

—I strongly believe, without a doubt, in Jesus Christ. With that belief comes Satan as well. He came to steal, kill, & destroy. & every time I start trying to get my life on track, everything starts to fall apart. I get attacked from every which way… and it doesn’t stop until I crumble. — I always crumble. Eventually I can’t take it anymore & I just stop where I’m at, throw up my hands, and quit. — I’m so tired of crumbling & I’m so tired of quitting even if does make life more comfortable. —

I sometimes wonder what’s out there for me that Satan is working so hard to keep me from? What is it that I am capable of that he never wants me to figure out? — Every time I try to move forward.. everything goes wrong. If I stay right where I am, just like I am… terrified of everything, then I have no problems. But as long as I stay frozen in this place & afraid… Life is okay. It’s not what I want, but it’s okay. I don’t feel attacked & I don’t feel helpless… I can breathe.

I have decided to blog, write my book, work on my anxiety, push myself, & break free from this miserably lonely prison I’m in. That was about two weeks ago… and I’m already feeling the heat. The walls are closing in & I am desperately trying to keep them back. — I haven’t quit yet. Not this time, not yet. I don’t want to. — This is such a tough war to fight & I really don’t want to lose again. — Heaven help me, I really don’t want to lose again. I see progress in myself. I see cracks in the shell I live in. I feel different. I feel change. I have real hope for the first time ever. — & I don’t want to lose that.

(I don’t know what the purpose of this post is… I just had to vent. I had to say that out loud, put it down on paper, or something. So I figure why not share? This blog is all about my journey from where I am to where I’m going. Thought I’d let you guys know why my book is taking foreverrrr to get written, lol)

As Always,
Heather! 🙂

My Heart Hurts Tonight…

I write this tonight with so many emotions and yet a lack of the right words. — What do you do & what do you say when another person’s heart is breaking? How do you tell someone you love that everything will be okay & not to worry, when you know that it can only bring so much comfort? — My best friend’s mom had another heart attack tonight. — I love my best friend. I love her sweet mother. I’ve known them for years now. As a woman is fighting to hold onto her life, a woman I genuinely care for… a daughter, whom I also genuinely care for, is in pain.

There are no words that can make that pain disappear. I can only say so much before there is nothing left to say. & then what? — I can pray. I know God listens & I know He loves. But with a world cursed by sin, there is so much bad that runs rampant that I, as one person, can only do so much in its wake. — I believe in the power of God. I believe in not putting Him in a box & limiting His capabitilies. — Late at night sometimes, in the cooler months. I go lay outside & stare up at the beautiful night sky. (One of my hobbies, star gazing & meteor showers.) I see how big & beautiful this universe is & I see how big God is. — That is truly all I have to hold onto and to share. To remind others just how big God is & how much He loves.

My heart hurts tonight… Along with so many others. …. and I don’t have the words. I don’t know what to say. — Sometimes a lot of emotion means too much to put into words. The right ones at least. —

I will say this though: Love can conquer, heal, and help so many things. So tonight, I will hold onto love. It in itself is so very powerful. So when all else fails… Love.

-hmthreatte.

My First Comment

Okay so this may sound really sad, but I am actually pretty proud of myself. I made my first comment on someone else’s post. Yay me! I know I’ve been blogging for several months now so it shouldn’t have taken this long. I’ve just been so worried about conflict or it going all wrong somehow. — Don’t get me wrong, I know there are super nice people out there on social sites and what not, I’ve just also seen my fair share of the hate.

I almost didn’t comment… out of habit. However I am trying to do better & though a simple little comment may not seem like much, for me, it was progress. — I didn’t comment on anything controversial or make any sort of off the wall comment. It was just simple and easy going. My kind of conversing if we’re being honest. — I’ve just seen where people have said the most innocent things & it turned into some sort of hate war or something. That definitely terrifies me.

I can’t let fear get in the way. I’ve spent my entire life doing just that and quite frankly, I don’t like it and I’m getting to a place in my life where I’m feeling more prepared to do something about that.

So I’ve made my first WordPress comment (made on someone else’s post, I have replied to a few on my own posts.) where I initiated contact. — I could definitely get used to this! Yay me! 🙂

-hmthreatte!

To Keep Going…

Sometimes things seem too big to be accomplished. However, usually the problem is the way we are looking at what’s in front of us.

If we look at the big picture it can seem so overwhelming. That’s when we have to take a step back and look at all the little pieces that come together to make the big picture.

So what do we do when even the little piece of the puzzle looks impossible? — Mark 10:27. — We remind ourselves that it’s not impossible.

I spend a lot of time reminding myself that anything is possible. That there’s nothing to be afraid of. Nothing and no one. — That being said, I’m still a big chicken. That’s why I have to spend so much time reminding myself not to be.

You have to understand that I’m afraid of everything to understand why it gets in the way so much. I’m afraid of people, criticism (Tho aren’t we all on that one), failure, (and that one) unfamiliar territory, and on my worst days, I’m afraid I’m simply not capable of very much of anything at all. — It stops me in my tracks. I freeze wherever I’m at and if I’m lucky, I don’t panic.. lol. — Though I’m getting better, it still catches up to me. —

So while even the smallest task may seem impossible… I have to remember that it’s not & then refuse to let anything stop me.

So while everything seems a little too big right now, I’m going work on my book anyway. Usually I would stop. If I’m being honest I’d wait weeks or months to even pick it back up again. — When I started this blog I said I wouldn’t do that anymore. That I wouldn’t let anything stop me. So I won’t. — I’m just going to keep telling myself that it’s not impossible and force myself to keep going.

So as I end this post, just know that I am going to be working as soon as I’m finished here. — It may seem to me like I can’t do this right now that it’s too overwhelming, but if I keep stopping because of that then I won’t ever accomplish what I’ve set out to do… and in the end, I find that far worse than just being afraid to keep going.

-hmthreatte!