& now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. ❤❤❤
(1 Corinthians 13:13)
& now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. ❤❤❤
(1 Corinthians 13:13)
So… here’s the thing.
I have been absent. I have not written a word in months. Not here, on my blog, or there, on my book. — I have been completely off the writing map. Not one written word… well, not one that wasn’t some Facebook or Instagram post, that is… 😉 .
You see.. I have been intimidated. I have been scared. I have been insecure. I have been lost. I have been too afraid to write one single word anywhere about anything. Because… self-doubt. Because… insecurity. Because… intimidation. — Because if I’m being honest… on my best days.. I still struggle to believe in myself. I still struggle to believe that I have talent or that I am capable of stringing words together that make even a little bit of sense when I’m finished. — & that, my friends, is on my best days.
So on my worst days… it is far worse than that. On my worst days… I don’t just struggle to believe in myself… I just plain don’t believe in myself. I don’t even try on my worst days. I throw in the towel before the sun even rises. Like… not today guys, not today. I don’t have it in me to try. I don’t have it in me to pump myself up for this. I feel like a failure & I will just sit here and wallow in it & make no attempt to feel any better about any of it. ——- On my worst days… I give up. I am no longer in my own corner. I abandon post & take off. Because why? Because on my worst days… when I feel like the world’s biggest failure… I accept that. I say to myself, ya know what? It is what it is. I cannot do this, I cannot do anything, & so I just quit.
Intimidation. I am intimidated by my own self doubt, other people’s success, & the devil himself. Let me tell you something guys… I am being so incredibly honest with you right now. When someone else succeeds… and I mean just does something so incredibly amazing…. I can hear that little voice whisper.. “and what have you done, hmm? Look at them, taking the world by storm… and you… you haven’t even left the gate yet. What does that say about you, Heather? You’re a failure. A disappointment. Why do you even bother? You’re only making a fool of yourself.”
See… I know pride is like the downfall of man and all… but I still have some. & it grates & it drives me crazy to admit to that. To say that out loud, write it down, with every intention of sharing it with the world-wide web…. just what I think of myself on my worst days. — Because here’s the thing… It’s pretty bad to feel that way about yourself sometimes… but that other people, someone else, may be thinking or saying the same things of you… that hits that little bit of pride that I have right smack in the face. — & guys… I’ve heard it. Things very similar. I know there are people who have expressed doubt about me, my life, my future. — It hurts. It sucks. & it sticks with a person.
But here is the thing… because I’m going somewhere with this. I think.. 😉 .
It can’t just be me. In a world filled with so many people… I can’t be the only one that feels this way on their worst days. I can’t be the only person that is intimidated by the world & struggles to believe in themselves. I can’t be the only person out there that feels like a disappointment or a failure. I can’t be by myself in this. Which also means… that whoever you are & wherever you are…. you and I, we are not alone. & I just want to say… I get it. I feel you. You have something in common with a complete stranger… but even so, this is one stranger that understands the struggle. — You are not alone. — & sometimes there is just something about knowing that someone else gets it. — & I get it!
So I’mma keep moving forward. I’m sure it will continue to be riddled with ups and downs, best days & worst days, Confidence & self-doubt… but I do not go it alone. I go it with Jesus & then however many people are right there in the same boat with me.
So here’s to pushing past those “worst” days & reveling in those “best” days. —
May the “best days” be with you.. ? Eh… well.. lol… little Star Wars thing I just did there… yeah, I won’t do that anymore. my bad. I apologize.. 😉
I think one of the hardest things about writing is second guessing myself.
I sit down one day & write several pages… and I like it. The next day I go back to pick up where I left off, read through the pages from the day before, and spend the next several hours criticizing every word I wrote the day before and attempting to rewrite it all.
It’s like… I make progress… just to go two steps backwards when I pick it up again.
It’s a little frustrating. Okay, it’s a lot frustrating.
I read a few pages to my husband the other day… and he was like, that flows really well. I like that. —- and I was thinking, flows really well? Yeah, it did when I wrote it, but now that I’m reading it to you it sounds like the worst thing ever. Lol!
I know mostly it’s just me being my own worst critic. I just can’t get out of my head sometimes. I go round and round with myself. — It’s frustrating.
I won’t quit tho. I’m not quite close enough to see the finish line yet, but I know it’s there. Kinda like when you go hiking…. at some point you are smack dab in the middle of the trail, tired, your legs ache, your hot, trying to figure out why in the world you thought it’d be a good idea in the first place…. but you hold onto the fact that at some point, you will reach the end and it’ll be a beautiful sight when you do. — Haha, tho one time I was so tired and hungry that it was knowing I’d get Doritos & Gatorade once I reached my destination. Lol… I busted those bad boys out as soon as I hit the top of that mountain. All that work… and I was so tired… but it was so worth it. & I knew it the second I sat down and twisted the cap on the bottle…. cause that was one snack that came with a view. 😉
Anyhow, gotta get back to it. 🙂
“Believe in yourself and there will come a day when others have no choice but to believe with you.”
— Cynthia Kersey.
There is power in believing in yourself. I think far too often we doubt ourselves and open the door to failure. Because in a lot of cases that self-doubt is where the failure begins. — Don’t do yourself an injustice. — Even if no one else believes in you or your dreams & goals…. keep believing in them. — Because someday you’ll make a believer out of everyone else. 🙂
Keep on keepin’ on! 😉
I have a confession to make.
I suck at writing dialogue.
Why, you might ask?
I don’t know. I have this theory that it’s an overlap from being so shy that I suck at conversation in general. It’s like a person that stutters when they talk, but when they sing, it’s the most beautiful flow of words you’ve ever heard. — When I write, it just flows & it’s amazing…. right up until I hit dialogue, and then that same brick wall that comes up in actual conversations that I have, comes up when I try to make conversations happen in my writing. —
Sometimes I do an okay job at it, others, might as well just scrap what I’m writing and start over for the 100th time, Lol.
So I’m going to try to help myself out a little & make an effort to write a little more dialogue every day to see if I can get to a place where it flows like the rest of my writing. — I actually have a little story titled “Horrible Writing” because it contains a good bit of dialogue & I was so frustrated after writing it that I gave it that lovely title. Lol, I thought it fitting at the time. — A sense of humor can go a long way! 🙂
Now I’m off to write a bunch of dialogue… — Wish me luck!
I shouldn’t be here right now. What was once life… should have met with death. Yet, here I am, breathing in the air around me. Full of life.
Well, maybe not full of life, I can’t really say… but there is plenty of life left inside of me. Enough to keep me going each day it seems. — Even after the days should have stopped coming.
I don’t know why I’m still here. I’m not sure what I’m missing. I’m not so important that it makes sense for me to continue breathing while others have stopped. What am I missing?
I’m just a lone writer. So why have I been spared? How temporary is it? What happens next?
Should I fear death around every corner? I’m not certain I’m capable of that. I’ve never been one to fear the inevitable. Death takes us all. Or perhaps, should I feel on edge? Paranoid, even? — Do I dare hope that there is a lot of life left in me? — I feel that maybe that is what’s to be feared here. — The loss of hope…. If I should choose to let myself go to such a place.
I certainly won’t sit around and wait for the end, that much I know. Until it arrives, I’ll search to the ends of the Earth for the answers…. and then I’ll make the time to write them down for the world to read.
The life of the writer, whose life should have ended, but instead.. it began again. — If life is refusing to give up on me… then I will join with it in the fight against death. — & I won’t stop until I’ve found the answers.
At birth, everyone has the date they will die tattooed on their arm. — You were supposed to die yesterday.
Red warning lights flashed on the dashboard. I wasn’t sure what they meant. So many were going off at the same time that I found it to be rather overwhelming. Which isn’t saying much considering how often I find myself feeling overwhelmed these days. — I did the only thing that made sense at the time. I got out of the car, walked a couple of miles down the road, looked for any sign of civilization, and then when I didn’t find any I turned around & went back to my car.
So there I sat. In my car, on a deserted road, with no cell phone coverage. — Just what I needed.
As that thought crossed my mind I finally saw a black car come into view over the hill-top behind me. Relief swept through me. About time.
As the car pulled up alongside me, a woman rolled the passenger window down, she and the man with her looked to be in their mid-fifties.
“Any way we could be of help to you sweetie?”she asked warmly. She seemed kind. Almost like Nell, my old next door neighbor. The kindest lady I’d ever met to date. That’s who she reminded me of. Nell.
“Actually, yeah, do you guys know how far I am from the next town?” I asked, taking the chance that they might be from around here or at least know where here is exactly.
The lady smiled real big & her face lite up. “Oh yeah, about 12 miles from here. We actually live not far from the main red light in town. We’d be happy to give you a lift if you need it. There aren’t many houses between here & there.”
“It wouldn’t be out of our way and we’d hate to leave you stranded,” her companion added, “we have daughters & I’d want someone to share the same kindness with them.”
I hesitated for a moment, maybe two, or it could have been ten. I contemplated the risks. These people could be psycho. I’ve seen the movies, heard the stories, watched the news. It’s not that far-fetched.
I weighted my options, asked a question or two more (mostly about their daughters & the kind of town that was up ahead,) It really wasn’t a hard decision considering.
“Sure! I’d really appreciate it and it beats being stranded here over night.” Because I really had to face it, the sun would be going down soon. Who knows what kind of person could happen upon me if I camp out in my car.
“Great!” she said brightly. As her husband got out of the car & opened the door for me, I grabbed a few of my things from my car & got in.
It was the last thing they ever did. — Just like it was with Nell all those years ago, proof that kindness can get you killed.
— Writing Challenge: Start a sentence with “Red warning lights flashed on the dashboard.” —
I am almost proud of this story. I was so excited when I typed the last few lines. — However I feel that fading…
Was it predictable? I don’t know. Was it the ending everyone saw coming? I don’t know. — I didn’t see it coming until I got to the last two lines & wrote it! — So hopefully neither did anyone else. 🙂
Looking back I can honestly say that this has been the toughest year of my life.
In March I decided I would take writing my book seriously… and in March life started to fall apart. By May I had given up & forgotten about it. Life got better. — In June I decided to start this blog to help me get more comfortable with interacting & to recommit myself to my book… and in July life started to fall apart, worse than before. It didn’t take long & I stopped working on my book & I stopped blogging for a while. Life got better. — By October/November or so I decided to get serious about my book & blogging again… and life started to fall apart… eventually I gave up again. Life got better.
This month I realized the blog is working. I am getting more comfortable with myself & better with people. That is huge. I love that I’m improving. I hate living in a box just because I’m so afraid of what the world thinks. So I decided to start blogging again, working on my book, & fighting my fear of interacting with people… & once again, life is starting to fall apart all around me. — The struggle is getting real.
I want to become who I know I can be if I’d just let myself live.
—I strongly believe, without a doubt, in Jesus Christ. With that belief comes Satan as well. He came to steal, kill, & destroy. & every time I start trying to get my life on track, everything starts to fall apart. I get attacked from every which way… and it doesn’t stop until I crumble. — I always crumble. Eventually I can’t take it anymore & I just stop where I’m at, throw up my hands, and quit. — I’m so tired of crumbling & I’m so tired of quitting even if does make life more comfortable. —
I sometimes wonder what’s out there for me that Satan is working so hard to keep me from? What is it that I am capable of that he never wants me to figure out? — Every time I try to move forward.. everything goes wrong. If I stay right where I am, just like I am… terrified of everything, then I have no problems. But as long as I stay frozen in this place & afraid… Life is okay. It’s not what I want, but it’s okay. I don’t feel attacked & I don’t feel helpless… I can breathe.
I have decided to blog, write my book, work on my anxiety, push myself, & break free from this miserably lonely prison I’m in. That was about two weeks ago… and I’m already feeling the heat. The walls are closing in & I am desperately trying to keep them back. — I haven’t quit yet. Not this time, not yet. I don’t want to. — This is such a tough war to fight & I really don’t want to lose again. — Heaven help me, I really don’t want to lose again. I see progress in myself. I see cracks in the shell I live in. I feel different. I feel change. I have real hope for the first time ever. — & I don’t want to lose that.
(I don’t know what the purpose of this post is… I just had to vent. I had to say that out loud, put it down on paper, or something. So I figure why not share? This blog is all about my journey from where I am to where I’m going. Thought I’d let you guys know why my book is taking foreverrrr to get written, lol)
I write this tonight with so many emotions and yet a lack of the right words. — What do you do & what do you say when another person’s heart is breaking? How do you tell someone you love that everything will be okay & not to worry, when you know that it can only bring so much comfort? — My best friend’s mom had another heart attack tonight. — I love my best friend. I love her sweet mother. I’ve known them for years now. As a woman is fighting to hold onto her life, a woman I genuinely care for… a daughter, whom I also genuinely care for, is in pain.
There are no words that can make that pain disappear. I can only say so much before there is nothing left to say. & then what? — I can pray. I know God listens & I know He loves. But with a world cursed by sin, there is so much bad that runs rampant that I, as one person, can only do so much in its wake. — I believe in the power of God. I believe in not putting Him in a box & limiting His capabitilies. — Late at night sometimes, in the cooler months. I go lay outside & stare up at the beautiful night sky. (One of my hobbies, star gazing & meteor showers.) I see how big & beautiful this universe is & I see how big God is. — That is truly all I have to hold onto and to share. To remind others just how big God is & how much He loves.
My heart hurts tonight… Along with so many others. …. and I don’t have the words. I don’t know what to say. — Sometimes a lot of emotion means too much to put into words. The right ones at least. —
I will say this though: Love can conquer, heal, and help so many things. So tonight, I will hold onto love. It in itself is so very powerful. So when all else fails… Love.
Okay so this may sound really sad, but I am actually pretty proud of myself. I made my first comment on someone else’s post. Yay me! I know I’ve been blogging for several months now so it shouldn’t have taken this long. I’ve just been so worried about conflict or it going all wrong somehow. — Don’t get me wrong, I know there are super nice people out there on social sites and what not, I’ve just also seen my fair share of the hate.
I almost didn’t comment… out of habit. However I am trying to do better & though a simple little comment may not seem like much, for me, it was progress. — I didn’t comment on anything controversial or make any sort of off the wall comment. It was just simple and easy going. My kind of conversing if we’re being honest. — I’ve just seen where people have said the most innocent things & it turned into some sort of hate war or something. That definitely terrifies me.
I can’t let fear get in the way. I’ve spent my entire life doing just that and quite frankly, I don’t like it and I’m getting to a place in my life where I’m feeling more prepared to do something about that.
So I’ve made my first WordPress comment (made on someone else’s post, I have replied to a few on my own posts.) where I initiated contact. — I could definitely get used to this! Yay me! 🙂