I Get A Little Honest Here…

So… here’s the thing.

I have been absent. I have not written a word in months. Not here, on my blog, or there, on my book. — I have been completely off the writing map. Not one written word… well, not one that wasn’t some Facebook or Instagram post, that is… 😉 .

You see.. I have been intimidated. I have been scared. I have been insecure. I have been lost. I have been too afraid to write one single word anywhere about anything. Because… self-doubt. Because… insecurity. Because… intimidation. — Because if I’m being honest… on my best days.. I still struggle to believe in myself. I still struggle to believe that I have talent or that I am capable of stringing words together that make even a little bit of sense when I’m finished. — & that, my friends, is on my best days.

So on my worst days… it is far worse than that. On my worst days… I don’t just struggle to believe in myself… I just plain don’t believe in myself. I don’t even try on my worst days. I throw in the towel before the sun even rises. Like… not today guys, not today.  I don’t have it in me to try. I don’t have it in me to pump myself up for this. I feel like a failure & I will just sit here and wallow in it & make no attempt to feel any better about any of it. ——-  On my worst days… I give up. I am no longer in my own corner. I abandon post & take off. Because why? Because on my worst days… when I feel like the world’s biggest failure… I accept that. I say to myself, ya know what? It is what it is. I cannot do this, I cannot do anything, & so I just quit.

Intimidation. I am intimidated by my own self doubt, other people’s success, & the devil himself. Let me tell you something guys… I am being so incredibly honest with you right now. When someone else succeeds… and I mean just does something so incredibly amazing…. I can hear that little voice whisper.. “and what have you done, hmm? Look at them, taking the world by storm… and you… you haven’t even left the gate yet. What does that say about you, Heather? You’re a failure. A disappointment. Why do you even bother? You’re only making a fool of yourself.”

See… I know pride is like the downfall of man and all… but I still have some. & it grates & it drives me crazy to admit to that. To say that out loud, write it down, with every intention of sharing it with the world-wide web…. just what I think of myself on my worst days. — Because here’s the thing… It’s pretty bad to feel that way about yourself sometimes… but that other people, someone else, may be thinking or saying the same things of you… that hits that little bit of pride that I have right smack in the face. — & guys… I’ve heard it. Things very similar. I know there are people who have expressed doubt about me, my life, my future. — It hurts. It sucks. & it sticks with a person.

But here is the thing… because I’m going somewhere with this. I think.. 😉 .

It can’t just be me. In a world filled with so many people… I can’t be the only one that feels this way on their worst days. I can’t be the only person that is intimidated by the world & struggles to believe in themselves. I can’t be the only person out there that feels like a disappointment or a failure. I can’t be by myself in this. Which also means… that whoever you are & wherever you are…. you and I, we are not alone. & I just want to say… I get it. I feel you. You have something in common with a complete stranger… but even so, this is one stranger that understands the struggle. — You are not alone. — & sometimes there is just something about knowing that someone else gets it. — & I get it!

So I’mma keep moving forward. I’m sure it will continue to be riddled with ups and downs, best days & worst days, Confidence & self-doubt… but I do not go it alone. I go it with Jesus & then however many people are right there in the same boat with me.

So here’s to pushing past those “worst” days & reveling in those “best” days. —

May the “best days” be with you.. ? Eh… well.. lol… little Star Wars thing I just did there… yeah, I won’t do that anymore. my bad. I apologize.. 😉

😀

 

 

Stumbling Blocks..

I think one of the hardest things about writing is second guessing myself.

I sit down one day & write several pages… and I like it. The next day I go back to pick up where I left off, read through the pages from the day before, and spend the next several hours criticizing every word I wrote the day before and attempting to rewrite it all.

It’s like… I make progress… just to go two steps backwards when I pick it up again.

It’s a little frustrating. Okay, it’s a lot frustrating.

I read a few pages to my husband the other day… and he was like, that flows really well. I like that. —- and I was thinking, flows really well? Yeah, it did when I wrote it, but now that I’m reading it to you it sounds like the worst thing ever. Lol!

I know mostly it’s just me being my own worst critic. I just can’t get out of my head sometimes. I go round and round with myself. — It’s frustrating.

I won’t quit tho. I’m not quite close enough to see the finish line yet, but I know it’s there. Kinda like when you go hiking…. at some point you are smack dab in the middle of the trail, tired, your legs ache, your hot, trying to figure out why in the world you thought it’d be a good idea in the first place…. but you hold onto the fact that at some point, you will reach the end and it’ll be a beautiful sight when you do. — Haha, tho one time I was so tired and hungry that it was knowing I’d get Doritos & Gatorade once I reached my destination. Lol… I busted those bad boys out as soon as I hit the top of that mountain. All that work… and I was so tired… but it was so worth it. & I knew it the second I sat down and twisted the cap on the bottle…. cause that was one snack that came with a view. 😉

Anyhow, gotta get back to it. 🙂

Truth!

“Believe in yourself and there will come a day when others have no choice but to believe with you.”
— Cynthia Kersey. 

There is power in believing in yourself. I think far too often we doubt ourselves and open the door to failure. Because in a lot of cases that self-doubt is where the failure begins. — Don’t do yourself an injustice. — Even if no one else believes in you or your dreams & goals…. keep believing in them. — Because someday you’ll make a believer out of everyone else. 🙂

Keep on keepin’ on! 😉

My Writing Confession…

I have a confession to make.

I suck at writing dialogue.

Why, you might ask?

I don’t know. I have this theory that it’s an overlap from being so shy that I suck at conversation in general. It’s like a person that stutters when they talk, but when they sing, it’s the most beautiful flow of words you’ve ever heard. — When I write, it just flows & it’s amazing…. right up until I hit dialogue, and then that same brick wall that comes up in actual conversations that I have, comes up when I try to make conversations happen in my writing. —

Sometimes I do an okay job at it, others, might as well just scrap what I’m writing and start over for the 100th time, Lol.

So I’m going to try to help myself out a little & make an effort to write a little more dialogue every day to see if I can get to a place where it flows like the rest of my writing. — I actually have a little story titled “Horrible Writing” because it contains a good bit of dialogue & I was so frustrated after writing it that I gave it that lovely title. Lol, I thought it fitting at the time. — A sense of humor can go a long way! 🙂

Now I’m off to write a bunch of dialogue… — Wish me luck!

I Shouldn’t Be Here….

I shouldn’t be here right now. What was once life… should have met with death. Yet, here I am, breathing in the air around me. Full of life.

Well, maybe not full of life, I can’t really say… but there is plenty of life left inside of me. Enough to keep me going each day it seems. — Even after the days should have stopped coming.

I don’t know why I’m still here. I’m not sure what I’m missing. I’m not so important that it makes sense for me to continue breathing while others have stopped. What am I missing?

I’m just a lone writer. So why have I been spared? How temporary is it? What happens next?

Should I fear death around every corner? I’m not certain I’m capable of that. I’ve never been one to fear the inevitable. Death takes us all. Or perhaps, should I feel on edge? Paranoid, even? — Do I dare hope that there is a lot of life left in me? — I feel that maybe that is what’s to be feared here. — The loss of hope…. If I should choose to let myself go to such a place.

I certainly won’t sit around and wait for the end, that much I know. Until it arrives, I’ll search to the ends of the Earth for the answers…. and then I’ll make the time to write them down for the world to read.

The life of the writer, whose life should have ended, but instead.. it began again. — If life is refusing to give up on me… then I will join with it in the fight against death. — & I won’t stop until I’ve found the answers.

Writing Challenge:

At birth, everyone has the date they will die tattooed on their arm. — You were supposed to die yesterday.

-Heather! 🙂

Red Warning Lights…

Red warning lights flashed on the dashboard. I wasn’t sure what they meant. So many were going off at the same time that I found it to be rather overwhelming. Which isn’t saying much considering how often I find myself feeling overwhelmed these days. — I did the only thing that made sense at the time. I got out of the car, walked a couple of miles down the road, looked for any sign of civilization, and then when I didn’t find any I turned around & went back to my car.

So there I sat. In my car, on a deserted road, with no cell phone coverage. — Just what I needed.

As that thought crossed my mind I finally saw a black car come into view over the hill-top behind me. Relief swept through me. About time.

As the car pulled up alongside me, a woman rolled the passenger window down, she and the man with her looked to be in their mid-fifties.

“Any way we could be of help to you sweetie?”she asked warmly. She seemed kind. Almost like Nell, my old next door neighbor. The kindest lady I’d ever met to date. That’s who she reminded me of. Nell.

“Actually, yeah, do you guys know how far I am from the next town?” I asked, taking the chance that they might be from around here or at least know where here is exactly.

The lady smiled real big & her face lite up. “Oh yeah, about 12 miles from here. We actually live not far from the main red light in town. We’d be happy to give you a lift if you need it. There aren’t many houses between here & there.”

“It wouldn’t be out of our way and we’d hate to leave you stranded,” her companion added, “we have daughters & I’d want someone to share the same kindness with them.”

I hesitated for a moment, maybe two, or it could have been ten. I contemplated the risks. These people could be psycho. I’ve seen the movies, heard the stories, watched the news. It’s not that far-fetched.

I weighted my options, asked a question or two more (mostly about their daughters & the kind of town that was up ahead,) It really wasn’t a hard decision considering.

“Sure! I’d really appreciate it and it beats being stranded here over night.” Because I really had to face it, the sun would be going down soon. Who knows what kind of person could happen upon me if I camp out in my car.

“Great!” she said brightly. As her husband got out of the car & opened the door for me, I grabbed a few of my things from my car & got in.

It was the last thing they ever did. — Just like it was with Nell all those years ago, proof that kindness can get you killed.

— Writing Challenge: Start a sentence with “Red warning lights flashed on the dashboard.” —

I am almost proud of this story. I was so excited when I typed the last few lines. — However I feel that fading…

Was it predictable? I don’t know. Was it the ending everyone saw coming? I don’t know. — I didn’t see it coming until I got to the last two lines & wrote it! — So hopefully neither did anyone else. 🙂

-heather!