Well This Gets Embarrassing…

Ay-Yo! πŸ˜€

So I wanna tell y’all about all the neat things I have learned from this whole weight loss/exercise journey. Things I have learned about myself… Also there may be things you will learn about me here that may entertain you to no end… who knows?! (Me! I know. Just don’t go telling everybody..Β  it’ll be our little secrets!)

So here’s a thing… if there were ever a class that someone wanted to offer to people about quitting & not following through with things… they would hire me to teach it. & they would definitely have themselves quite the qualified instructor. I could teach you all about it. Except…. let’s be real.. I’d probably quit.

So now that we’ve established that I almost never follow through with things I start. I would like to explain that low self-confidence & fear of failure are the number 1 reasons that I’d be perfect for such a position. Of course, that’s also why I wouldn’t be too! — (You see what I’m working with here? I’m a hot mess. — Literally, I live in the south… it’s hot here. πŸ˜€ )

Anyhow… I said all that to say this… I have not quit this time. — One day, back in February, I asked myself… what are you doing? Why are you not fighting for more out of life? & I knew the answer. It’s the same ol narrative it’s always been. I am too afraid. I am scared & I don’t believe in myself. — & there was something that just sorta hit me like a ton of bricks.. ( Prolly Jesus tbh… tho… I mean.. I’m sure He wouldn’t actually swing a sack of bricks at me… tho… I won’t test it.. I can be a real pain. You can ask my mom.. she would back me up on that one, I have no doubt. πŸ˜€ )

If I don’t make a single move to do anything worthwhile at all, if I stay right where I am…. I lose. If I make moves, aim for something worthwhile, refuse to stay where I am… I could still lose…. but it wouldn’t be without a fight. I wouldn’t just lay down & die like I’ve been doing. & I stand more chances to come out on the other side if I make the effort to do so. As long as I’m stalled, here where I’m at, I’m done for… & it’s not because I didn’t fight for more or push forward… it’s because I let the fear of failure determine my future… I let the idea of failing cause the very failure I dreaded. — & in that moment, on February 16th, 2018 (Yes, we have a date to go with this pivotal moment πŸ™‚ )… I chose to make a move.

You see earlier that same day I got dressed & my jeans were too tight & I was all like, I need to go shopping & get me some new jeans. Bigger jeans. (Because who doesn’t love having to size up? Me… it’s me, I don’t. ) — But then I decided to make a move & new just where I was going to start. With myself. The me that I let go because I felt I had no purpose & was already defeated. That person needed to learn to fight for herself. — Which she did.

It is now over 3 months later, I have lost 25 lbs.. (Okay.. 24… but seriously… it’s much more fun for me to round up. πŸ™‚ ) I exercise every day & I love it. I drink more water a day than I used to drink in a week. I quit soda. (mostly… I do have like a small can on occasion. The little 90 calorie cans, you know the ones. The ones you see in the grocery store & you’re like… it’s only 50 cents cheaper than the 12 pack, might as well just get the 12 pack, more for my money. — Yeeaaahh, I did that too. Now I just get less for my money & less coke… I’m not sure I’ve won anything here… but oh well! πŸ˜€ ) I live & breathe calorie management.. I literally do math every day… & I don’t even like math. —

Sometimes I wanna be lazy.. & I have to push myself to get up & get down to some Toby Mac. That’s right… I dance. I haven’t mentioned that part yet… but I’m not a runner, or a walker, or a workout video follower… I’m a dancer. & to be honest with you… when I say I’m a dancer what I mean is that I’m a dancer at heart. On the inside. On the outside… I can’t promise I don’t look like some sort of discombobulated chicken? I also try to sing while I dance.. & I can’t hardly breathe.. & so my mean ol Husband (Not really… he’s my favorite & I adore him.) records me at the door & giggles about it later.Β  I mean I don’t know. I have no rhythm. I’m not very coordinated. & not sure you’d want me to dance at your wedding… but it works! & it’s fun & makes me feel alive. So imma keep rolling with it.

I rambled on about all of that to say this… for the first time in my life I have learned so much about perseverance, determination, motivation, & pushing myself when those very things fail me. I have pushed myself 10 more minutes, only ate 10 chips at the mexican restaurant.. 10! That’s all I could have. Used to eat half a basket & come to find out 20 chips is around 300 calories. Say what?! That’s just a free appetizer? Can’t even have more than 10 chips! That is dedication if I ever saw it, I tell you. I am dedicated, can’t say I’m not! πŸ˜€ )

I fight for it every day. & I stick with it even when it’s hard & when it’s not fun. Like when I raked leaves til I had blisters (cause I don’t rake leaves on the regular & my husband informed me an hour & a half in that gloves would prevent blisters… ohhhhh, now you tell me. I just wanted to burn some calories… not my skin!) Or when I shoveled dirt & came inside later covered in bug bites. (the prices I have paid, I tell you, for trying to spice up some calorie burning.)

The thing is, as hilarious as it has been sometimes, I have pushed, I have fought, I have kept going… even when the guy at the register of the fast food place was like, but the burger is going to cost you the same price with or without the fries, you sure you don’t want the fries? — Yeah, I’m sure. — But it’s the same price… I can just give you the fries too.. — nope, I’m good. — But it’s the same price?! — Sweet Lord, get behind me satan! No seriously tho..Β  I know he was just trying to be nice & help me out. — But I stuck to it. When I could have easily said, ya know what… yeah.. might as well. & ate them anyhow. But I didn’t. & I’m sure that lovely employee thinks I’m a loon. But that’s okay! I was determined to stick with it… & I did.

I have stuck with it since the beginning. I have made so much progress. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally… it’s been life changing. It may seem small to some, I’m sure. But for me…. it was a huge leap & something I was afraid I would fail at. But I’m still here fighting the good fight. Confusing restaurant workers & embarrassing myself in the name of exercise. πŸ˜€

There’s no going back now! You guys are all just going to have to buckle up because you’re along for the ride… πŸ˜€

 

 

Not Everything Changes..

I recently moved about an hour from the town I’ve lived in my entire life.

Bought a house, moved further away from family, shop in completely different towns now. Every thing is different. There is so much change. — & I am a creature of habit for sure.

It’s been stressful. It’s been strange. it’s been fun & exciting too… there are pros and cons galore. Our dog has been adjusting… she is also a creature of habit. She’s now a bigger baby than she was before… tho I didn’t think that was possible before now.. ;). Life’s just been different.

I used to live out in the country. No neighbors nearby. Now I live.. well, still sorta out in the country… just in a subdivision with a ton of neighbors. They are lovely people… but it’s still different for someone who has never really had so many people around all the time.

Back at my old home.,.. I used to sit outside at night, under the stars, in the dark… turn some music on, close my eyes, & let all of the stress and anxieties of life just slip away for a while. — It has always been my de-stresser. The one thing that kept me going when life got tough. Somehow.. it just does wonders for my soul. I always feel more at peace afterwards. It’s my thing. πŸ™‚

Since I moved… oh, like 4 months ago, that has not happened. Not even once. Suddenly there are neighbors every where… I don’t want to disturb them somehow… I also watch a lot of Dateline… & well… I don’t want to show up on an episode of that… lol. So I just haven’t bothered to sit outside at 2 am cause.. well, it’s all so different here.

Tonight tho… I did just that. Went outside, popped my headphones in, leaned back in a chair, & let all my worries wash away for a while.

It was fantastic. Absolutely amazing. & Oh how I had missed it so much.

Sometimes things all around us change. Life becomes different & unfamiliar. We create new normals & move in all sorts of directions. It’s always full of happiness & excitement… but it also has it’s downsides… it can be uncomfortable & difficult too. But when everything around you changes… there are still some things that will always stay the same.

For me.. that’s washing away stress under the stars after midnight. For you, I’m sure it’s something else entirely. But it’s nice… that despite all the changes in life… some things are just a part of who we are. πŸ™‚

The Little Things…Β 

Sorting through notes & ran across these. One I wrote to myself as encouragement a while back & the other my husband left for me to find some time ago. — I leave them in the stack of notes… Cause along & along I stumble across them & they remind me that sometimes one just needs a little extra encouragement. — I can do this. I got this. ❀❀❀

I Get A Little Honest Here…

So… here’s the thing.

I have been absent. I have not written a word in months. Not here, on my blog, or there, on my book. — I have been completely off the writing map. Not one written word… well, not one that wasn’t some Facebook or Instagram post, that is… πŸ˜‰ .

You see.. I have been intimidated. I have been scared. I have been insecure. I have been lost. I have been too afraid to write one single word anywhere about anything. Because… self-doubt. Because… insecurity. Because… intimidation. — Because if I’m being honest… on my best days.. I still struggle to believe in myself. I still struggle to believe that I have talent or that I am capable of stringing words together that make even a little bit of sense when I’m finished. — & that, my friends, is on my best days.

So on my worst days… it is far worse than that. On my worst days… I don’t just struggle to believe in myself… I just plain don’t believe in myself. I don’t even try on my worst days. I throw in the towel before the sun even rises. Like… not today guys, not today. Β I don’t have it in me to try. I don’t have it in me to pump myself up for this. I feel like a failure & I will just sit here and wallow in it & make no attempt to feel any better about any of it. ——- Β On my worst days… I give up. I am no longer in my own corner. I abandon post & take off. Because why? Because on my worst days… when I feel like the world’s biggest failure… I accept that. I say to myself, ya know what? It is what it is. I cannot do this, I cannot do anything, & so I just quit.

Intimidation. I am intimidated by my own self doubt, other people’s success, & the devil himself. Let me tell you something guys… I am being so incredibly honest with you right now. When someone else succeeds… and I mean just does something so incredibly amazing…. I can hear that little voice whisper.. “and what have you done, hmm? Look at them, taking the world by storm… and you… you haven’t even left the gate yet. What does that say about you, Heather? You’re a failure. A disappointment. Why do you even bother? You’re only making a fool of yourself.”

See… I know pride is like the downfall of man and all… but I still have some. & it grates & it drives me crazy to admit to that. To say that out loud, write it down, with every intention of sharing it with the world-wide web…. just what I think of myself on my worst days. — Because here’s the thing… It’s pretty bad to feel that way about yourself sometimes… but that other people, someone else, may be thinking or saying the same things of you… that hits that little bit of pride that I have right smack in the face. — & guys… I’ve heard it. Things very similar. I know there are people who have expressed doubt about me, my life, my future. — It hurts. It sucks. & it sticks with a person.

But here is the thing… because I’m going somewhere with this. I think.. πŸ˜‰ .

It can’t just be me. In a world filled with so many people… I can’t be the only one that feels this way on their worst days. I can’t be the only person that is intimidated by the world & struggles to believe in themselves. I can’t be the only person out there that feels like a disappointment or a failure. I can’t be by myself in this. Which also means… that whoever you are & wherever you are…. you and I, we are not alone. & I just want to say… I get it. I feel you. You have something in common with a complete stranger… but even so, this is one stranger that understands the struggle. — You are not alone. — & sometimes there is just something about knowing that someone else gets it. — & I get it!

So I’mma keep moving forward. I’m sure it will continue to be riddled with ups and downs, best days & worst days, Confidence & self-doubt… but I do not go it alone. I go it with Jesus & then however many people are right there in the same boat with me.

So here’s to pushing past those “worst” days & reveling in those “best” days. —

May the “best days” be with you.. ? Eh… well.. lol… little Star Wars thing I just did there… yeah, I won’t do that anymore. my bad. I apologize.. πŸ˜‰

πŸ˜€

 

 

When Past & Present Collide…

My junior year in high school, we were given a project to do in lit class. Pick two songs with lyrics that meant something to us or inspired us in some way, that sort of thing. We could either assemble them into a scrap-book or write them on a white t-shirt, one on the front, the other on the back… then present them to the class & explain why we chose them. — I only remember one of the songs I chose. I can’t for the life of me remember the other one. But as it doesn’t pertain what I’m about to share, I guess it doesn’t really matter. — What does matter, however, is the song I do remember.

Stand, by Rascal Flatts. I remember thinking back then, this really isn’t a cool song. I almost, in fact, traded it in for something more hip & teenager-like. I mean, at 16, those aren’t really the kind of songs teenagers are blasting on their radios. Anyhow, I went with it in the end. & looking back now, I’m glad I did.

I just heard it again. For the first time in ages. & just like when I was younger, it encouraged me & spoke to me, in that way only music can do. — If you don’t know, these are just some of the lyrics….

“Cause when push comes to shove,
You taste what you’re made of.
You might bend till you break,
‘Cause it’s all you can take.
On your knees, you look up,
Decide you’ve had enough.
You get mad, you get strong,
Wipe your hands, shake it off,
Then you stand.”

Life is a beautiful journey. It’s a gift & worth every second. Having said that tho, it’s not always fun. It’s not always pretty, & it’s not always easy. It’s full of pain, anger, sadness, loss, & loneliness. So much heartbreak & so many struggles. It’s a journey that is filled with a lot of ugliness along the way. Some that we talk about & share with others, some that we keep to ourselves & don’t speak of. But what doesn’t change, is that it’s there & changes shape throughout life.

Lately, some of that ugliness has been creeping in & keeping me company despite that I didn’t invite it or welcome it once it waltzed through the door.

Ya see, I think for all of us, it’s the same. We’re pushed & we’re shoved, until we bend & we break… we get knocked down. That’s something I knew back then, & I know it now. There’s only one thing for us to do afterwards though… Β & that’s stand back up. We stand & we keep going… because that’s life.

Anyhow, I heard that song tonight & just like back then, I could feel the determination to get back up & keep on going. I could feel a difference inside myself the moment the tide turned. — All from lyrics to a song I knew meant something years ago. Because it’s a message that stands the test of time. —

You can be just a teenage girl in a very big world, picking out a song that encourages you for a school project, without even realizing just how much truth is in the very lyrics that you chose. Not realizing how much you’d bend & break in the years to come. Or without knowing how many times you’d brush yourself off & get back up. — It’s funny… cause I knew, but at the same time I didn’t know.

If you’re reading this… & you’ve taken a tumble recently, maybe give the song a listen. You might like it. πŸ™‚

Every time we get back up, even if we have to fight & claw our way there, we’ve made it. & that’s something. πŸ™‚

 

 

Hey Y’all!

Hey y’all!

Couple Things. 1. It’s after 2 a.m. & I’m cleaning the bathroom. Cause, well, Β I’m what one would call a procrastinator & it’s what we do. πŸ˜€

2. This is me procrastinating even further by taking what I like to call a “cleaning break.” Don’t wanna overdo it… that’d just be irresponsible.. πŸ˜‰

3. Ya ever creep on people on social media? (& don’t pretend like you don’t, I know… I know you do… Lol, it is what’s done. πŸ˜‰ — Anyhow, ever check people out on there & see what all they have going on & realize that they need your advice… But like, you can’t give it to em’ cause, well, then you’d have a lot of explaining to do! Lol!! — Yep. That’s actually kind of funny. πŸ˜€

4. I like to get a glass of wine, a good book, & a bubble bath throw it all together &… well, not like, actually throw any of it in the bath, but you see where I’m going here. It’s nice & relaxing. & well, that leaves books scattered all over our bathroom over time & my husband complains about it… lol. It’s kinda funny, I think. Anyhow, I just took em all out of here… 11! 11 Total. Tho I did leave one of those 11 cause I’m still reading it. Anyhow… that’s practically a little bookshelf. A teeny tiny one, but still. I could run a library out of here. Anybody wanna check out a book?! πŸ˜€

5. I’m going camping in October. I think I should mention that I hate camping, ya know, so that you get the full picture here. Lol. –So if I don’t get eaten by a bear, traumatized by the lack of personal shower/bathroom, or simply go insane… it could maybe be fun! πŸ˜€ — I went once & it was a disaster. The bright side here, is it will be much cooler than when I went last time. That was right smack dab in the middle of July & I bout died. I’m a heat hater, for real. — So, fingers crossed that the cooler weather makes it a more enjoyable experience! — I should mention, I’m doing this for my husband. It was technically my idea, buuutttttt, I could have simply rented a hotel room, instead, I knew how much he’d love a camping trip… so I made the sacrifice. — Look at me, I should get a little plaque that says, “Best Wife Ever” to hang on our wall. Ha! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜‰

6. My foot has fallen asleep, as it has apparently noticed it’s nearly 3 a.m, while the rest of me seems to have missed that memo. Ya know, the one about sleeping. πŸ˜‰

Anyhow… talk to you all later! πŸ˜‰
Heather. πŸ˜€

So This Happened…

When you’re sitting in your living room, staring at your lap top with a pretty tough case of writer’s block going on, feeling like a failure… & you see a rain frog hopping around in your living room…. what do you do?

You save its life & feel like a hero. That’s what you do!

So, who’s feeling like a failure now, I ask? Not me, I just saved a life.

A tiny little life that apparently thought I was attempting to do it tremendous harm & therefore made me give chase all around the furniture in the room…. but no matter, the important thing here is that I saved a life. πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜‰