This Is Long… But It’s Good! :D

So if you’ve been keeping up with me at all.. & if you haven’t, you’re missing out.. I’m loads of fun! 😀 ) you might remember that I recently mentioned I’ve been actively losing weight. Well guess what? I have officially lost the entire 30 lbs I set out to lose in February. — I may lose an extra lb or 2 before it’s all over & done with for good… but I have at this point reached my goal weight. — Which begs the question, what next?

— We’re gonna pause right here cause my dog is looking at me like she needs to go outside & potty, stand by……………………………………………………..

I’m back! 🙂 Not that you would have ever known that I left & then returned in the first place, but since I shared it with you.. I did take a few minutes to trot outside with the pup mid-blogging this here post. 🙂  (Yeeeeahh… the word ‘here’ shouldn’t be before the word ‘post’ as it’s redundant & totally unnecessary… but I like it so it stays! Let’s just toss proper grammar out the window for tonight. — I feel like breaking the rules. 😀

Okay, where were we before I got distracted? Oh yeah. What next?

I recently blogged a bit about how I have learned so much about things like motivation, discipline, & determination from my weight loss journey & it’s really changed the way I see tasks that I’ve set for myself.

It’s easy to be motivated & disciplined when it’s fun or you’re in the mood for it. When you’re seeing results & when you’re optimistic & ready to go & get at it. But what I had to learn is staying disciplined & determined when I didn’t feel like it. You don’t lose 30 lbs in 4 & a half months by keeping with it only when it’s fun or you feel like it. You do it by keeping with it all the time. No matter how you’re feeling about it any given day.

I’ve never fought so hard to reach a goal before. Not without quitting a thousand times along the way. (Which I also talked about in a previous blog post.)

I went from no exercise to exercising every day. I can’t tell you how many times there were days when I just didn’t feel like it & on many occasion had talked myself out of it. But I would rally & get up & do it anyway. & sometimes I would be annoyed the entire time, just grudgingly going about it because darn it I would rather be reading a book or watching tv. But I would tell myself, 1 hour & then you can watch tv or read or whatever you wanna do for the rest of the day or night or what have you. But first…. 1 hour.

The same goes for changes in my diet. Portion control & calorie limits & making due with teeny, tiny, minuscule, barely there, slices of chocolate pound cake cause one regular slice contains more calories than an entire meal! That’s hard. It takes discipline. It takes determination. Let’s be real… it also takes the mighty hand of God! For it is not my strength, but His! 😀

So what’s next? Writing. That’s what we tackle next. I have to take the same tactics that I took with losing weight & apply it to writing. It’s easy to do when it’s fun or I’m in the mood or it feels good or it makes me happy. Not so much when I don’t feel like it or it’s not coming together or I’m terrified I’m a talent-less hack. (Let’s be real, that last part’s not true.. but there will be days I’m sure I’ll feel like it!)

So that’s where I’m going next. I’ve said it before over the years. Probably a million times. The difference in then & now… is that I have learned so much about myself from this journey that I know what that journey is going to take. — Ya girl here is about to fight for her writing. I’ve been fighting for myself. For my self-worth, & my body, & my soul, & my spirit, & I’m not finished in that arena. — On top of that, I’m about to add to it.

A couple of paragraphs above, I wrote, “that’s what we tackle next.” We. I don’t do any of this alone. I’d never make it. I joked about God’s strength helping me with pound cake consumption… but if I’m being real with you, I need you to know that I didn’t do any of this on my own or by myself. I exercise 1 hour every day, but that hour is God’s time. I spend it with Him. I pray, I talk, I worship, I listen, I learn. Some days more than others. I just want to be clear that while it has definitely been my willingness to stay disciplined & keep going…. it has always been His love, & His grace, & His mercy, & His strength that make any of this possible. — So when I say we… I literally mean, we. 🙂

I haven’t figured out the logistics of a writing schedule or anything like that yet. But in the next couple of weeks I’m going to see what unfolds & what I work out. So we shall see what happens!

Until next time… 😀

 

 

 

 

A Letter…

To the Christian person that says our feelings do not matter, that emotions have to be set aside as they may contradict faith & all things that are holy…. while I appreciate that you wish to further me along in my journey with Jesus… I would like to share a little something with you.

You have not walked, not even one moment, in my shoes. You have absolutely no idea of the depths that I have descended to. You have no idea of the pain & suffering I’ve survived. You have not a clue how lost & broken a soul I have been. You were not there when I lost the battles. You were not there when I was lost in all the surrounding chaos. You have no idea how far down rock bottom was when the fight went out in me.

You do not know me. You do not know my heart. You did not pick me back up. You did not come to me in my darkest hours & comfort me. You did not show me hope & love when I no longer believed in either of them. You did not restore my faith. You played no part in my healing. You did not even know I was broken. — God did. He knew. He showed up pouring out nothing but love & concern. He cared what I felt. He cared how lost I was. He cared about my pain, my suffering, & my broken spirit. I was wrapped up in all sorts of emotions & feelings. & He cared.

You can come to me all day long & say that I should set aside my feelings as they do not matter in the grand scheme of things. I’ve even heard it said that it’s selfish to focus only on one’s pain, rather than on what God has said. You can try to educate me all day long on the subject…. but the facts remain the same.

You were not on the floor with me the night I landed on it, writhing in an emotional pain I was apparently not allowed to feel.  I cried & I cried & I said, ” I’m all alone. No one understands. They don’t care. Life is beating me to pieces & I’m all by myself.” & I heard God respond… (Mind you the same God that I had known for years. The same One I had been angry with. The same One I yelled at in all my rage & confusion… because in all my honesty here… I was nothing, if not honest with Him too.) I heard the same very God tell me I was not alone. He said I’m here. I care. I love you. — He reached out to His broken child & He said, I’ve got you. — That is a God that cares. — Sure… He also can’t & won’t tolerate sin… but that does not make Him an uncaring God when His children are broken.

So while I appreciate that you are attempting to help & enlighten me… I remember all too well what it was like to feel like my suffering did not matter. People will descend further into an abyss when they feel no one cares. To stress to them… that the God that loves them more than we could ever comprehend… does not care about their feelings, only their faith…. is not something I will participate in. — You may call me wrong. You may say that it’s cause I’m all up in my inappropriate feelings. & that’s okay. I am all up in my feelings. It’s hard not to be when I know somewhere out there is some broken someone who just needs someone to care.

Because I would rather that… than to abandon someone who, maybe just like me, has crumpled to the floor.. in an emotional agony they can’t handle anymore… by leaning down & saying, hey… I get that you’re upset right now…. but these feelings… you need to push them out-of-the-way… this is selfish… God’s not in the business of caring how you feel… it’s all about the faith. —– Because that is essentially what you have done. Whether you realize it or not, this is what they’ve heard. & I will not do that to another human being in turmoil. — I cannot.

So please understand, you can tell me all about this subject time & time again…. but you & I will never be on the same page about it. To be honest, it is what it is.

Yours Truly,
Heather.

 

 

 

An Honest Moment…

Faith.

Trust.

Who do you put yours in? Who do you have faith in? Who do you choose to trust? Who will come through, every time, without fail?

God will. He loves you. He loves us all. The kind of love that is unconditional and all forgiving. The kind of love that is even at times hard to comprehend. A love so great that I’d truly be lost without it.

I’ve spent a lot of time scared, confused, and broken. Something I discovered as a result… He is always there. He is always listening. He always cares, and He always loves. — He has listened to me yell, cry, curse, quit, and talk. He even listens when I’m not speaking.

Most importantly, He doesn’t give up on me. He doesn’t turn His back. When I break down He is always there to help fix me back up. — No matter how many times I stray or forget to make time for Him… He never forgets to make time for me.

I actually feel pretty bad right now. I haven’t made time for Him in way too long. Tonight I needed someone, I needed Him. — & He was there. He showed up. He listened. He cared. & He loved. — He didn’t think twice about it, despite the lack of time I’ve given to Him.

We can put all of our faith in people.. without a second thought given to God. But I am people in this scenario. I checked out & wasn’t around. He never did. He never even considered it. He just hung back because I forced Him too.  – Now I wish I hadn’t. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

I’m not trying to throw God in anyone’s face tonight. Or push Him on anyone. — All too often I don’t mention Him because I’m too concerned with people judging me. —  I just wanted to take a moment to let Him know that I love Him too & that I’m proud to know Him. I wanted to acknowledge His love… and even if it is in my own little way, share it, Lol… not shove it. 🙂

-Heather!