A Purpose Lies Ahead…

I wanna say a little something real quick.

While working out earlier it hit me that some times in life we get in places where we can’t see past where we are currently at. Especially when those places are painful. When we don’t know which way is up or down & we can’t seem to claw our way out of the darkness we find ourselves in. It can get hard & tunnel vision becomes a real thing.

I’ve been there. As I’m sure most people have been. — Once upon a time I couldn’t see how or why in the world I was ever going to make it. It’s now years later… & I can see it.

I used to think there was no hope. I used to think that I was so incredibly broken that I would forever be in pieces. I couldn’t understand why in the world God would have me here, on this Earth, so shredded & torn apart. & I used to ask Him, why? Not why am I in pain or why is this misery in my life… but why am I here at all when this place is breaking me & I could be with You instead? Because I knew back then.. Ya know, this is a fallen world & full of sin & it’s bound to be a hard place to be sometimes. So that’s not the question I had for Him when asking why… it was why am I here, rather than why does it hurt so much.

In those moments, when I was lost in my own misery, He would always show up. Never giving up, never quitting on me. He would show up with an I love you, it’s going to be alright, I’m with you, you’re not alone. But I would still struggle with the why.

Because I could never see past the pain. I couldn’t see down the road, to the future. I couldn’t see what was on the other side. Or even a light at the end of the tunnel. It appeared to be darkness ahead.

All I saw was my shattered soul & broken spirit. A girl getting swallowed up by the world.

All those years ago I asked why. I begged & I pleaded. Why? But there was so much pain & turmoil I couldn’t see through it.

God has a plan for my life. It made zero since to me back then. I couldn’t fathom how that girl, who she was all those years ago… how she would possibly fit into any plans He had. So it didn’t make sense & I couldn’t see it.

But I can see it now. Because that girl… she fought, clawed, & climbed her way out of the darkness. (Slowly & not of her own strength, mind you.) — & when she came out on the other side… she was no longer the same person. She could see.

Every day I still fight the good fight, trying to keep my head up above the water. I keep moving forward, little by little. Good days & bad days, doesn’t matter, I keep fighting. Because I know why now. & because I know why… the will to fight doesn’t come from just trying to survive anymore… it comes from knowing that God has a plan & a purpose for me & my life & I have to keep moving forward to execute it.

So to anyone out there who reads this… God has a purpose for you. Whether you can see it or not… it’s true. So if you ever find yourself where I once was, feeling like you’re lost & you can’t figure out why in the world you’re here. That’s why. — & it’s a beautiful reason to be here. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Little Things… 

Sorting through notes & ran across these. One I wrote to myself as encouragement a while back & the other my husband left for me to find some time ago. — I leave them in the stack of notes… Cause along & along I stumble across them & they remind me that sometimes one just needs a little extra encouragement. — I can do this. I got this. ❤❤❤

Be Bold!

That title up there is a pep talk to myself, Lol.

I find that I have so many thoughts, opinions, & words to share… but that I’m always too darn afraid to share them.

I started this blog as a way to write, to help encourage myself, to help believe in myself, & to get comfortable with talking & sharing. — To be bold. To be outspoken. To find that girl inside of me that has so much to say & force her to get comfortable saying it all.

I started all this so that I could learn to be confident in what I want to say.

I’m tired of having a differing thought or opinion & being too afraid to speak up because someone might get mad or talk to me like I’m stupid.

It’s time for me to be bold. It’s time for me to stand up & speak up with confidence. — I’m tired of being disappointed in myself over all this. I’m tired of letting moments & opportunities pass because I’m afraid to be bold.

So, yep…

Be Bold!

I encourage you all to join me, lol! (Though most of you are probably leaps & bounds ahead of me, I shall catch up.) 🙂

An Honest Moment…

Faith.

Trust.

Who do you put yours in? Who do you have faith in? Who do you choose to trust? Who will come through, every time, without fail?

God will. He loves you. He loves us all. The kind of love that is unconditional and all forgiving. The kind of love that is even at times hard to comprehend. A love so great that I’d truly be lost without it.

I’ve spent a lot of time scared, confused, and broken. Something I discovered as a result… He is always there. He is always listening. He always cares, and He always loves. — He has listened to me yell, cry, curse, quit, and talk. He even listens when I’m not speaking.

Most importantly, He doesn’t give up on me. He doesn’t turn His back. When I break down He is always there to help fix me back up. — No matter how many times I stray or forget to make time for Him… He never forgets to make time for me.

I actually feel pretty bad right now. I haven’t made time for Him in way too long. Tonight I needed someone, I needed Him. — & He was there. He showed up. He listened. He cared. & He loved. — He didn’t think twice about it, despite the lack of time I’ve given to Him.

We can put all of our faith in people.. without a second thought given to God. But I am people in this scenario. I checked out & wasn’t around. He never did. He never even considered it. He just hung back because I forced Him too.  – Now I wish I hadn’t. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

I’m not trying to throw God in anyone’s face tonight. Or push Him on anyone. — All too often I don’t mention Him because I’m too concerned with people judging me. —  I just wanted to take a moment to let Him know that I love Him too & that I’m proud to know Him. I wanted to acknowledge His love… and even if it is in my own little way, share it, Lol… not shove it. 🙂

-Heather!

An Ugly Truth…

Looking back I can honestly say that this has been the toughest year of my life.

In March I decided I would take writing my book seriously… and in March life started to fall apart. By May I had given up & forgotten about it. Life got better.  — In June I decided to start this blog to help me get more comfortable with interacting & to recommit myself to my book… and in July life started to fall apart, worse than before. It didn’t take long & I stopped working on my book & I stopped blogging for a while. Life got better. — By October/November or so I decided to get serious about my book & blogging again… and life started to fall apart… eventually I gave up again. Life got better.

This month I realized the blog is working. I am getting more comfortable with myself & better with people. That is huge. I love that I’m improving. I hate living in a box just because I’m so afraid of what the world thinks. So I decided to start blogging again, working on my book, & fighting my fear of interacting with people… & once again, life is starting to fall apart all around me. — The struggle is getting real.

I want to become who I know I can be if I’d just let myself live.

—I strongly believe, without a doubt, in Jesus Christ. With that belief comes Satan as well. He came to steal, kill, & destroy. & every time I start trying to get my life on track & stay in the will of God, everything starts to fall apart. I get attacked from every which way… and it doesn’t stop until I crumble. — I always crumble. Eventually I can’t take it anymore & I just stop where I’m at, throw up my hands, and quit. — I’m so tired of crumbling & I’m so tired of quitting even if does make life more comfortable. —

I sometimes wonder what’s out there for me that Satan is working so hard to keep me from? What is it that I am capable of that he never wants me to figure out? — Every time I try to move forward.. everything goes wrong. If I stay right where I am, just like I am… terrified of everything, then I have no problems. But as long as I stay frozen in this place & afraid… Life is okay. It’s not what I want, but it’s okay. I don’t feel attacked & I don’t feel helpless… I can breathe.

I have decided to blog, write my book, work on my anxiety, push myself, & break free from this miserably lonely prison I’m in. That was about two weeks ago… and I’m already feeling the heat. The walls are closing in & I am desperately trying to keep them back. — I haven’t quit yet. Not this time, not yet. I don’t want to. — This is such a tough war to fight & I really don’t want to lose again. — Heaven help me, I really don’t want to lose again. I see progress in myself. I see cracks in the shell I live in. I feel different. I feel change. I have real hope for the first time ever. — & I don’t want to lose that.

(I don’t know what the purpose of this post is… I just had to vent. I had to say that out loud, put it down on paper, or something. So I figure why not share? This blog is all about my journey from where I am to where I’m going. Thought I’d let you guys know why my book is taking foreverrrr to get written, lol)

As Always,
Heather! 🙂

The Party Experience..

Okay, I told you guys & gals I had a party to attend & that I’d update y’all & let you know how it went. — Well that party was tonight & I’m sticking to my word.. so here goes…

It was a formal work party(My husband’s job.) & my big thing was that I’m not good with socializing, especially with people I don’t know. — So I was a little scared, I won’t lie. — The thing is, usually my (sometimes irrational) fears of something are way worse than the actual something. — and as usual, that was the case tonight. — Thank God! 🙂

It actually went really well! I was only nervous for the first 15 minutes or so & then I was just fine. — Granted this shy girl isn’t going to turn into a social butterfly overnight or anything like that… but I was not tucked quite so tightly in to my little shell tonight.

The one thing I did notice is that I have this bad habit of looking away when I meet people. It’s pretty uncomfortable sometimes & it’s a habit to shift my gaze away. — Once I noticed I was doing it, I forced myself to do better. — That’s the only way it will get better… is if I make myself get used to it. — It’s always easier to stay in my comfort zone, but I know that won’t get me very far. So I’m slowly working on pushing myself out of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure people noticed I’m shy & not as talkative as others, but for me and what I’m usually feeling during events like this, I made some progress. 🙂

So I had a pretty good night!

One step at a time..I know I will get where I want to be, even if it’s just one small step at a time. — I have to start somewhere. 🙂

As Always,
Heather! (: