I Get A Little Honest Here…

So… here’s the thing.

I have been absent. I have not written a word in months. Not here, on my blog, or there, on my book. — I have been completely off the writing map. Not one written word… well, not one that wasn’t some Facebook or Instagram post, that is… πŸ˜‰ .

You see.. I have been intimidated. I have been scared. I have been insecure. I have been lost. I have been too afraid to write one single word anywhere about anything. Because… self-doubt. Because… insecurity. Because… intimidation. — Because if I’m being honest… on my best days.. I still struggle to believe in myself. I still struggle to believe that I have talent or that I am capable of stringing words together that make even a little bit of sense when I’m finished. — & that, my friends, is on my best days.

So on my worst days… it is far worse than that. On my worst days… I don’t just struggle to believe in myself… I just plain don’t believe in myself. I don’t even try on my worst days. I throw in the towel before the sun even rises. Like… not today guys, not today. Β I don’t have it in me to try. I don’t have it in me to pump myself up for this. I feel like a failure & I will just sit here and wallow in it & make no attempt to feel any better about any of it. ——- Β On my worst days… I give up. I am no longer in my own corner. I abandon post & take off. Because why? Because on my worst days… when I feel like the world’s biggest failure… I accept that. I say to myself, ya know what? It is what it is. I cannot do this, I cannot do anything, & so I just quit.

Intimidation. I am intimidated by my own self doubt, other people’s success, & the devil himself. Let me tell you something guys… I am being so incredibly honest with you right now. When someone else succeeds… and I mean just does something so incredibly amazing…. I can hear that little voice whisper.. “and what have you done, hmm? Look at them, taking the world by storm… and you… you haven’t even left the gate yet. What does that say about you, Heather? You’re a failure. A disappointment. Why do you even bother? You’re only making a fool of yourself.”

See… I know pride is like the downfall of man and all… but I still have some. & it grates & it drives me crazy to admit to that. To say that out loud, write it down, with every intention of sharing it with the world-wide web…. just what I think of myself on my worst days. — Because here’s the thing… It’s pretty bad to feel that way about yourself sometimes… but that other people, someone else, may be thinking or saying the same things of you… that hits that little bit of pride that I have right smack in the face. — & guys… I’ve heard it. Things very similar. I know there are people who have expressed doubt about me, my life, my future. — It hurts. It sucks. & it sticks with a person.

But here is the thing… because I’m going somewhere with this. I think.. πŸ˜‰ .

It can’t just be me. In a world filled with so many people… I can’t be the only one that feels this way on their worst days. I can’t be the only person that is intimidated by the world & struggles to believe in themselves. I can’t be the only person out there that feels like a disappointment or a failure. I can’t be by myself in this. Which also means… that whoever you are & wherever you are…. you and I, we are not alone. & I just want to say… I get it. I feel you. You have something in common with a complete stranger… but even so, this is one stranger that understands the struggle. — You are not alone. — & sometimes there is just something about knowing that someone else gets it. — & I get it!

So I’mma keep moving forward. I’m sure it will continue to be riddled with ups and downs, best days & worst days, Confidence & self-doubt… but I do not go it alone. I go it with Jesus & then however many people are right there in the same boat with me.

So here’s to pushing past those “worst” days & reveling in those “best” days. —

May the “best days” be with you.. ? Eh… well.. lol… little Star Wars thing I just did there… yeah, I won’t do that anymore. my bad. I apologize.. πŸ˜‰

πŸ˜€

 

 

Red Warning Lights…

Red warning lights flashed on the dashboard. I wasn’t sure what they meant. So many were going off at the same time that I found it to be rather overwhelming. Which isn’t saying much considering how often I find myself feeling overwhelmed these days. — I did the only thing that made sense at the time. I got out of the car, walked a couple of miles down the road, looked for any sign of civilization, and then when I didn’t find any I turned around & went back to my car.

So there I sat. In my car, on a deserted road, with no cell phone coverage. — Just what I needed.

As that thought crossed my mind I finally saw a black car come into view over the hill-top behind me. Relief swept through me. About time.

As the car pulled up alongside me, a woman rolled the passenger window down, she and the man with her looked to be in their mid-fifties.

“Any way we could be of help to you sweetie?”she asked warmly. She seemed kind. Almost like Nell, my old next door neighbor. The kindest lady I’d ever met to date. That’s who she reminded me of. Nell.

“Actually, yeah, do you guys know how far I am from the next town?” I asked, taking the chance that they might be from around here or at least know where here is exactly.

The lady smiled real big & her face lite up. “Oh yeah, about 12 miles from here. We actually live not far from the main red light in town. We’d be happy to give you a lift if you need it. There aren’t many houses between here & there.”

“It wouldn’t be out of our way and we’d hate to leave you stranded,” her companion added, “we have daughters & I’d want someone to share the same kindness with them.”

I hesitated for a moment, maybe two, or it could have been ten. I contemplated the risks. These people could be psycho. I’ve seen the movies, heard the stories, watched the news. It’s not that far-fetched.

I weighted my options, asked a question or two more (mostly about their daughters & the kind of town that was up ahead,) It really wasn’t a hard decision considering.

“Sure! I’d really appreciate it and it beats being stranded here over night.” Because I really had to face it, the sun would be going down soon. Who knows what kind of person could happen upon me if I camp out in my car.

“Great!” she said brightly. As her husband got out of the car & opened the door for me,Β I grabbed a few of my things from my car & got in.

It was the last thing they ever did. — Just like it was with Nell all those years ago, proof that kindness can get you killed.

— Writing Challenge: Start a sentence with “Red warning lights flashed on the dashboard.” —

I am almost proud of this story. I was so excited when I typed the last few lines. — However I feel that fading…

Was it predictable? I don’t know. Was it the ending everyone saw coming? I don’t know. — I didn’t see it coming until I got to the last two lines & wrote it! — So hopefully neither did anyone else. πŸ™‚

-heather!