A Purpose Lies Ahead…

I wanna say a little something real quick.

While working out earlier it hit me that some times in life we get in places where we can’t see past where we are currently at. Especially when those places are painful. When we don’t know which way is up or down & we can’t seem to claw our way out of the darkness we find ourselves in. It can get hard & tunnel vision becomes a real thing.

I’ve been there. As I’m sure most people have been. — Once upon a time I couldn’t see how or why in the world I was ever going to make it. It’s now years later… & I can see it.

I used to think there was no hope. I used to think that I was so incredibly broken that I would forever be in pieces. I couldn’t understand why in the world God would have me here, on this Earth, so shredded & torn apart. & I used to ask Him, why? Not why am I in pain or why is this misery in my life… but why am I here at all when this place is breaking me & I could be with You instead? Because I knew back then.. Ya know, this is a fallen world & full of sin & it’s bound to be a hard place to be sometimes. So that’s not the question I had for Him when asking why… it was why am I here, rather than why does it hurt so much.

In those moments, when I was lost in my own misery, He would always show up. Never giving up, never quitting on me. He would show up with an I love you, it’s going to be alright, I’m with you, you’re not alone. But I would still struggle with the why.

Because I could never see past the pain. I couldn’t see down the road, to the future. I couldn’t see what was on the other side. Or even a light at the end of the tunnel. It appeared to be darkness ahead.

All I saw was my shattered soul & broken spirit. A girl getting swallowed up by the world.

All those years ago I asked why. I begged & I pleaded. Why? But there was so much pain & turmoil I couldn’t see through it.

God has a plan for my life. It made zero since to me back then. I couldn’t fathom how that girl, who she was all those years ago… how she would possibly fit into any plans He had. So it didn’t make sense & I couldn’t see it.

But I can see it now. Because that girl… she fought, clawed, & climbed her way out of the darkness. (Slowly & not of her own strength, mind you.) — & when she came out on the other side… she was no longer the same person. She could see.

Every day I still fight the good fight, trying to keep my head up above the water. I keep moving forward, little by little. Good days & bad days, doesn’t matter, I keep fighting. Because I know why now. & because I know why… the will to fight doesn’t come from just trying to survive anymore… it comes from knowing that God has a plan & a purpose for me & my life & I have to keep moving forward to execute it.

So to anyone out there who reads this… God has a purpose for you. Whether you can see it or not… it’s true. So if you ever find yourself where I once was, feeling like you’re lost & you can’t figure out why in the world you’re here. That’s why. — & it’s a beautiful reason to be here. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Went Somewhere With This…

Ya wanna know the one thing I dislike more than most things? & before I get to that… just let me say that I dislike a lot of things. Hot weather, bacon, (which some would say makes me un-american.. 🙂 ) scary movies, animal abusers, heavy metal music, going to the dentist, terrorists… I mean… the list could go on & on. — But at the very top of it, there is one thing I dislike more than most things…. & that is a hateful christian that uses the name of Jesus to justify their hatred.

See I bet you didn’t think I was gonna say that. Not after I put terrorist on the list. But see that’s the thing… A terrorist needs Jesus… & I know that. They may not know that… but I know it. So when I’m looking at it from that perspective, while I may be absolutely appalled by whatever they’ve done… I am aware that they need a revelation from a life changing God. — Which brings me back to those hateful Christians.

I can be a hateful person. I can be mean. I can be petty.. I can be judgmental. I can decide that someone is sinning far worse than I am. I can put the spite in spiteful when I so choose. I can take “I am right & you are wrong” to a ridiculously condescending level. I can show people unkindness when I’m angry or disagree with them. I can do all these awful things. & I am guilty of doing so on many occasions. But here’s the thing….

I own that… I own up that I am a flawed human being because I am not perfect. I own my weaknesses & am aware that hate can pour out of me sometimes. But here’s the thing… I am never going to give God the credit for those things. If I show hate to another human being in any form… I am not about to put that on God. It’s not from Him & He doesn’t deserve to be cast in such a light as that.

It grinds my gears that there are christians that quote their bibles word for word, but look down on someone who lands in prison. That there are christians that spout about their christianity all the time, but shun their families should they sin differently from them. That there are christians that sit in church & preach compassion, but then lack that very same compassion for people on the outside of their little circles. That there are christians that speak of God’s love, but show people the very opposite by what they say & what they do.

It makes me angry. But it makes me angry because people are watching. People that don’t know God are watching & they are forming opinions & making decisions about Him based off the actions of these people. They are doing God a disservice & an injustice & they are using Him to justify ugliness. & while I can’t do anything about that… I did recently realize there is something I can do.

I can be louder than them. I can be kinder than them. I can choose love, where they have chosen hate, & God will use the platform that I am to show people who He is, through me. But He can’t do that if I’m so angry & wrapped up in hatred for these people. I have to let it go. — & I’m not good at letting things go.

But I am a work in progress. & for the first time, in a long time, rather than anger… some days what I feel in regards to them is pity. I feel sorry for them. That they have all this knowledge of Jesus… but they don’t know His heart. & I don’t want to lose myself & stray so far away that I look like them from the outside. I’m not good at being the bigger person… but that’s what God calls me to be. & if I want others to see Him in me…. I don’t have a choice.

So while I still don’t like it. & they will always be at the top of my list. I can’t focus on that. I have to do every thing I can to counter it. So that people watching may come to know Jesus Christ & all that His grace & love have to offer. I have to be on His side, which means I have to set aside all the anger. That’s the only way.

So until next time… 🙂

 

Henry’s Reality…

I’m just going to throw this out there. A little story that may or may not resonate with you. — It also may or may not offend you, which I typically try to avoid at all costs… the “may offend” you part. If it does, my bad. — For once, I’m sharing it anyway.

—– So let’s just say there is this guy named Henry.

Henry is at the end of his rope. He’s miserable. He has hit rock bottom. He’s got ten thousand problems & the weight of the world on his shoulders. He’s just ready to give up on life & quit altogether. He’s been told he’s just the worst sort of failure. Poor Henry, he can’t get anything right.

He’s walking down the street, losing more hope with every step. He remembers all those Sunday school classes about Jesus & His mighty love. So he says, “Jesus, if you’re there, help me.”

So here comes Jesus., walking up from the other direction. (Lol, go ahead, picture it however you like. Maybe he’s in jeans & a t-shirt or a nice business suit. Shorts & flip flops? Ball cap anyone? — Maybe it’s a busy city street or a small town square? Either way, He meets up with good ole’ Henry.)

He introduces Himself & all that good stuff. Tells Henry He heard him loud & clear. & then He says this….

“Well ya know Henry, ya really wouldn’t be in this situation if you hadn’t done this, that, & the other. I’ve been paying attention. I saw that thing you did last month… & that really bad thing you did last Tuesday, you know the one. I also know about those things you do every single day. Shoot, just this morning I noticed some new things even I was shocked to see. You’re living a life of sin Henry. — Now I’m only saying all of this because I love you & if you continue down this path you are going to hell. Straight to hell. You will not pass go & you will not collect 200 dollars. Hell it is. It’s in the Bible. I know you’ve read it. I know you’ve seen it. This is not news to you. You made this mess Henry, I need you to see the error of your ways. — I’m here for you though. I love you. But I’m in the business of tough love. I will forgive you. You need to repent, turn back, never fall into this sort of sin again, or you will be in danger of failing to inherit the kingdom. It’s that simple.”

At this moment, the rest of Henry’s world shatters. Engulfed in despair, he tries to make sense of it all. Here he is, crying out for some compassion & some help, and this is what he gets. Reprimanded. All of his failures, the same ones causing him to feel hopeless & miserable, thrown in his face. With his last shred of hope, he calls on Jesus, and is met with the exact opposite of what he was searching for.

Henry begins to feel the hopelessness & misery weigh down upon him even heavier than before. With a grief-filled heart, that sought out comfort, peace, hope, & love…. he turns & walks back in the direction he came from. — He met Jesus… & when he did, Jesus made it all feel worthless. —–

(I don’t know about anyone else…. but this isn’t how I met Jesus. — He came to me with love. Love I had never known in all my life. Love that made despair & misery seem so very small. Life-changing love. — Not what poor Henry was greeted with.)

No, Henry didn’t meet Jesus… what he met was a Christian. — & when he did… He walked away from Jesus.

I Can’t Take It Anymore…

I think I’m about to get personal. I have all these thoughts just rambling around in my mind & I do believe I will share them with you guys. — Bear with me (& please don’t get mad, lol!)

I am a wee bit disillusioned with Christianity. — Now please don’t misunderstand me,  I don’t mean that I’m disappointed with being a child of God or with God Himself. — I seem to be taking issue with today’s Christians. — I am going to say this in the best way I know how. — Christians are mean. (Okay, so maybe not all of them, but way too many.)

They’re harsh. Unsympathetic. Negative. Judgmental in the worst sort of way, & they have an attitude of superiority that just blows my mind.

I don’t have a very high tolerance for cruelty. I have a “put myself in the other person’s shoes” philosophy that I try to live by. When I see people talk about spreading love & then those same people turn around and talk to or about someone like they are just the worst sort of human being….. I end up thoroughly disgusted.

Maybe it is because the U.S. has legalized gay marriage, maybe it is because there is a presidential election coming up, maybe it is because racial issues have run rampant lately… honestly, there are so many things going on right now, I can’t even pin point exactly when I noticed how bad it had gotten. — All I know now is that everywhere I look, I see it.

It drives me insane that so many Christians hurt other people & then use the name of God to justify it. & then I get confused. That’s when I start asking all the questions. They say they are justified. Are they? Is God okay with that? — If I go up to another person & make them feel beneath me somehow, is God going pat me on the back and shout “well done!”  — I cannot reconcile that with the God of love. 1 John 4:8 plainly states that God is love…. what am I missing here?

Turn your back on homosexuals in your life until they repent & turn back to God! Otherwise you won’t inherit the kingdom of God right along with them! — How dare you care about animal rights! They don’t matter. Abortion is the ONLY thing you can care about! — Oh? You haven’t been to church in 3 weeks? My goodness, that’s horrible! (Like it’s the end of the world or something?)  — “You drink? *person shakes head* You really should know better…” — Oh? You’re going through a rough time? I’m sorry about that. Too bad your behavior is inexcusable though!”  — I mean seriously…. I have heard every single one of these repeatedly. It’s everywhere. All of it & so much more. — & I can’t stand it anymore. — I really can’t.

I know I’m rambling on & on. I don’t mean too. — I’m just angry. There is literally nothing that makes me angrier lately. Maybe it’s because I see it everywhere now, I don’t know. — But it is really putting a strain on my relationship with other Christians. I am having a very tough time these days. — So much is going on & everyone has an opinion about it & they’re talking. — Only too many of them sound so hateful I just about can’t take it anymore. —

Anyhow! That’s the jumbled up mess in my head these days. Anybody else or is it just me? Lol.

Love. That’s what I’m about. Jesus & Love. — Not all this other craziness. (& please don’t think I’m talking about every Christian out there, because I promise you I’m not. 🙂  )

Heather!

No Thanks, I’ll Pass…

I think I’m in shock.

I learned something new today.

If a man lusts after a woman… it is probably in some way her fault. Who knew? How could I have possibly gone my whole life not realizing that I may have caused the demise of so many.

Apparently, I, as a woman, should always dress in a way that is unflattering, so as not to attract the attention of any male. No dancing allowed; it may entice them… which would be defrauding? Well…. I certainly wouldn’t want to do that. — I mean I could very well be the downfall of men everywhere. It has come to my attention that I am responsible for what men think when they look at me. If they have any impure thoughts… it’s my bad. Apparently, I can act in a way or dress in a way that causes them to stumble, and instead of, oh … I don’t know, some self-control on their part, I am the responsible party.

In fact, I was having a conversation with someone about this topic & one of the things they said was this: Yeah, everyone has their own self-control. But it’s like putting a hot warm brownie in front of someone on a diet… they’re going to have a hard time not thinking about it.”

Well first, brownies are definitely delicious. Second, I am not a brownie being paraded around in front of someone on a diet. I am a married, Christian woman who dresses pretty modestly. I’m not trying to get men to lust after me. Whether I wear sweat pants, blue jeans, shorts, or dresses… I’m not the one responsible for how men react to me. I can’t control that. It’s crazy to think I can. — & I despise that anyone would try to put that burden on me or the idea that I should be unattractive at all times to do my part.

It makes me think of how some people suggest that what a woman wears is responsible for a rapists actions. That’s absurd. It’s also absurd to place the blame of a man’s lust on a woman. — (Unless the goal was to deliberately catch his attention, that’s a little different.) It’s completely another to suggest that I have to take responsibility for someone else’s thoughts. — It’s ludicrous.

It is not my responsibility to dress in an unflattering way or to not dance or enjoy life because a man may look at me inappropriately. I won’t accept that. — and I can’t believe that people do. I am a Christian, I read my Bible, I love God. But some of the insanity that comes with what some people believe… I can’t handle… & this is one of those things.

So, needless to say… I’m going to have to disagree with this & say that a man is responsible for his own thoughts and actions. — Lol, just my two cents. 🙂

Anyhow, hope I didn’t offend anyone. 🙂
-Heather.

An Honest Moment…

Faith.

Trust.

Who do you put yours in? Who do you have faith in? Who do you choose to trust? Who will come through, every time, without fail?

God will. He loves you. He loves us all. The kind of love that is unconditional and all forgiving. The kind of love that is even at times hard to comprehend. A love so great that I’d truly be lost without it.

I’ve spent a lot of time scared, confused, and broken. Something I discovered as a result… He is always there. He is always listening. He always cares, and He always loves. — He has listened to me yell, cry, curse, quit, and talk. He even listens when I’m not speaking.

Most importantly, He doesn’t give up on me. He doesn’t turn His back. When I break down He is always there to help fix me back up. — No matter how many times I stray or forget to make time for Him… He never forgets to make time for me.

I actually feel pretty bad right now. I haven’t made time for Him in way too long. Tonight I needed someone, I needed Him. — & He was there. He showed up. He listened. He cared. & He loved. — He didn’t think twice about it, despite the lack of time I’ve given to Him.

We can put all of our faith in people.. without a second thought given to God. But I am people in this scenario. I checked out & wasn’t around. He never did. He never even considered it. He just hung back because I forced Him too.  – Now I wish I hadn’t. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

I’m not trying to throw God in anyone’s face tonight. Or push Him on anyone. — All too often I don’t mention Him because I’m too concerned with people judging me. —  I just wanted to take a moment to let Him know that I love Him too & that I’m proud to know Him. I wanted to acknowledge His love… and even if it is in my own little way, share it, Lol… not shove it. 🙂

-Heather!

An Ugly Truth…

Looking back I can honestly say that this has been the toughest year of my life.

In March I decided I would take writing my book seriously… and in March life started to fall apart. By May I had given up & forgotten about it. Life got better.  — In June I decided to start this blog to help me get more comfortable with interacting & to recommit myself to my book… and in July life started to fall apart, worse than before. It didn’t take long & I stopped working on my book & I stopped blogging for a while. Life got better. — By October/November or so I decided to get serious about my book & blogging again… and life started to fall apart… eventually I gave up again. Life got better.

This month I realized the blog is working. I am getting more comfortable with myself & better with people. That is huge. I love that I’m improving. I hate living in a box just because I’m so afraid of what the world thinks. So I decided to start blogging again, working on my book, & fighting my fear of interacting with people… & once again, life is starting to fall apart all around me. — The struggle is getting real.

I want to become who I know I can be if I’d just let myself live.

—I strongly believe, without a doubt, in Jesus Christ. With that belief comes Satan as well. He came to steal, kill, & destroy. & every time I start trying to get my life on track & stay in the will of God, everything starts to fall apart. I get attacked from every which way… and it doesn’t stop until I crumble. — I always crumble. Eventually I can’t take it anymore & I just stop where I’m at, throw up my hands, and quit. — I’m so tired of crumbling & I’m so tired of quitting even if does make life more comfortable. —

I sometimes wonder what’s out there for me that Satan is working so hard to keep me from? What is it that I am capable of that he never wants me to figure out? — Every time I try to move forward.. everything goes wrong. If I stay right where I am, just like I am… terrified of everything, then I have no problems. But as long as I stay frozen in this place & afraid… Life is okay. It’s not what I want, but it’s okay. I don’t feel attacked & I don’t feel helpless… I can breathe.

I have decided to blog, write my book, work on my anxiety, push myself, & break free from this miserably lonely prison I’m in. That was about two weeks ago… and I’m already feeling the heat. The walls are closing in & I am desperately trying to keep them back. — I haven’t quit yet. Not this time, not yet. I don’t want to. — This is such a tough war to fight & I really don’t want to lose again. — Heaven help me, I really don’t want to lose again. I see progress in myself. I see cracks in the shell I live in. I feel different. I feel change. I have real hope for the first time ever. — & I don’t want to lose that.

(I don’t know what the purpose of this post is… I just had to vent. I had to say that out loud, put it down on paper, or something. So I figure why not share? This blog is all about my journey from where I am to where I’m going. Thought I’d let you guys know why my book is taking foreverrrr to get written, lol)

As Always,
Heather! 🙂