A Purpose Lies Ahead…

I wanna say a little something real quick.

While working out earlier it hit me that some times in life we get in places where we can’t see past where we are currently at. Especially when those places are painful. When we don’t know which way is up or down & we can’t seem to claw our way out of the darkness we find ourselves in. It can get hard & tunnel vision becomes a real thing.

I’ve been there. As I’m sure most people have been. — Once upon a time I couldn’t see how or why in the world I was ever going to make it. It’s now years later… & I can see it.

I used to think there was no hope. I used to think that I was so incredibly broken that I would forever be in pieces. I couldn’t understand why in the world God would have me here, on this Earth, so shredded & torn apart. & I used to ask Him, why? Not why am I in pain or why is this misery in my life… but why am I here at all when this place is breaking me & I could be with You instead? Because I knew back then.. Ya know, this is a fallen world & full of sin & it’s bound to be a hard place to be sometimes. So that’s not the question I had for Him when asking why… it was why am I here, rather than why does it hurt so much.

In those moments, when I was lost in my own misery, He would always show up. Never giving up, never quitting on me. He would show up with an I love you, it’s going to be alright, I’m with you, you’re not alone. But I would still struggle with the why.

Because I could never see past the pain. I couldn’t see down the road, to the future. I couldn’t see what was on the other side. Or even a light at the end of the tunnel. It appeared to be darkness ahead.

All I saw was my shattered soul & broken spirit. A girl getting swallowed up by the world.

All those years ago I asked why. I begged & I pleaded. Why? But there was so much pain & turmoil I couldn’t see through it.

God has a plan for my life. It made zero since to me back then. I couldn’t fathom how that girl, who she was all those years ago… how she would possibly fit into any plans He had. So it didn’t make sense & I couldn’t see it.

But I can see it now. Because that girl… she fought, clawed, & climbed her way out of the darkness. (Slowly & not of her own strength, mind you.) — & when she came out on the other side… she was no longer the same person. She could see.

Every day I still fight the good fight, trying to keep my head up above the water. I keep moving forward, little by little. Good days & bad days, doesn’t matter, I keep fighting. Because I know why now. & because I know why… the will to fight doesn’t come from just trying to survive anymore… it comes from knowing that God has a plan & a purpose for me & my life & I have to keep moving forward to execute it.

So to anyone out there who reads this… God has a purpose for you. Whether you can see it or not… it’s true. So if you ever find yourself where I once was, feeling like you’re lost & you can’t figure out why in the world you’re here. That’s why. — & it’s a beautiful reason to be here. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Went Somewhere With This…

Ya wanna know the one thing I dislike more than most things? & before I get to that… just let me say that I dislike a lot of things. Hot weather, bacon, (which some would say makes me un-american.. ๐Ÿ™‚ ) scary movies, animal abusers, heavy metal music, going to the dentist, terrorists… I mean… the list could go on & on. — But at the very top of it, there is one thing I dislike more than most things…. & that is a hateful christian that uses the name of Jesus to justify their hatred.

I want to say real quick, right here, before anyone misunderstands…. I’m not saying that I expect people to be perfect. I’m not saying that Christians shouldn’t screw up… we do, we will…. it’s part of being human. — I’m only talking about the ones that beat other people into the ground over their sins…. and claim it’s because God tells them too. — There is a difference.

I can be a hateful person.. and I am talking about myself personally right now. I can be mean. I can be petty.. I can be judgmental. I can decide that someone is sinning far worse than I am. I can put the spite in spiteful when I so choose. I can take “I am right & you are wrong” to a ridiculously condescending level. I can show people unkindness when I’m angry or disagree with them. I can do all these awful things. & I am guilty of doing so on many occasions. I am not perfect & I am well aware of it every single day. But here’s the thing….

I own that… I own up that I am a flawed human being because I am not perfect. I own my weaknesses & am aware that hate can pour out of me sometimes. But here’s the thing… I’m not going to give God the credit for those things. If I show hate to another human being in any form… I am not about to put that on God.

I don’t expect people to be perfect, but when someone fails to walk in love, and we all will time and time again, I also don’t expect them to give God the glory and credit for actions rooted in hatred. That’s a human failing, not his.

It angers me that there are christians that quote the bible word for word, but look down on someone who lands in prison…. because God says so. That there are christians that spout about their christianity all the time, but shun their families should they sin differently from them… because their bible says they must. That there are christians that sit in church & preach compassion, but then lack that very same compassion for people on the outside of their circles… because God says their way or no way.

It makes me angry because people are getting hurt. People that don’t know God are watching & they are forming opinions & making decisions about Him based off these sorts of things. They are doing God a disservice & an injustice. — They are telling a world full of people that God is not love. They are saying to the world, He loves you if… He loves you when… — He loves you… if you walk, and talk, and think like we do. As if His love, compassion, and kindness are conditional. When they are no such thing. — He loves you… period.

It drives me insane… but I’ve recently realized some things…. I said I was going somewhere with this… so here it goes….

 

 

I can speak up about Him. I can be kind and compassionate. To the ones they steer clear of, I can welcome with open arms. Every day, every word, every action I take… I can walk in love. — That’s what I can do. That’s who I can be. That’s what I can focus on.

What I realized was that it’s not about them. I’ve been so focused on them… that I missed that point entirely. They’re not my concern. What they do…. is their business. What I do.. is mine.

God has been working some serious overtime on this. It’s been a big hurdle for me. I think we’ve finally come out on the other side. We had to get passed the hatred I was harboring. Then we had to get passed my inability to overlook how families & friends just let that sort of behavior slide right on by. In the end, the last piece of that puzzle… I had to realize that it wasn’t my concern. I get no say in how others choose to live their lives… free will is free will.

It doesn’t mean I have to agree with them… because that’s not happening. It just means I have to stay in my lane.

It’s not about them. It’s never been about them. There’s an antithesis to that sort of hate… and it’s love. God is love and so long as I strive to do all things in love… I’ll be showing God everywhere I go & in everything I do. Love wins out over hate every time. Even when it doesn’t seem like it, it does. — I’m not perfect, I know it, and I won’t always get it right. But that’s okay. — I’m going to try.

I spent so much time giving people like this too much of my time & energy. Too many of my thoughts and too many of my words.

There’s a peace that comes with knowing that their words and their actions are not my concern & that anything they say or do is entirely irrelevant to me.

My job is not to police anyone else. It’s not theirs either. It’s God’s. I no longer want any part of it.

I just want to do what God needs me to do, stay in my lane, and keep moving forward.

I’ve been so worried about the damage that this sort of thing does to people, instead of focusing on the ability of God’s love to repair that damage. — I realized that’s what I need to be about.

It’s a far cry from where I was.

You may have even noticed that the tone of the first part of this post was a little different than the second half. — That’s because the first half was written 5 months ago… and it had a slightly different ending. — Mostly that I needed to let it go & be the opposite of them. — Which is still true… but it was slightly more hostile because I was still struggling very hard with it. — I’m not anymore.

This has been heavy bondage that’s been weighing me down… and I finally broke free. (Okay… God sprung me from this prison, let’s be real, jail break! lol.)

I used to feel anger, rage, and irritation. It used to consume me. But now…. I don’t feel any of that. — Don’t get me wrong… I still don’t like that this happens and I still don’t like that there are people that do this. But…. it doesn’t eat away at me anymore.

I’ve come a long way y’all. This post started somewhere else, written by someone with an entirely different attitude… than where it ended up. — I was on my way here at the time & had made some progress… but it took months to evolve all the way to this.

That’s God. All God. Every bit of it.

I thought about deleting this post altogether…. and then decided it’s a great example of God repairing damage done by hatred. I let it seep into my soul… and He took it out… & then replaced it with something far greater.

So it stays.. ๐Ÿ™‚
Love you guys!

 

Henry’s Reality…

I’m just going to throw this out there. A little story that may or may not resonate with you. — It also may or may not offend you, which I typically try to avoid at all costs… the “may offend” you part. If it does, my bad. — For once, I’m sharing it anyway.

—– So let’s just say there is this guy named Henry.

Henry is at the end of his rope. He’s miserable. He has hit rock bottom. He’s got ten thousand problems & the weight of the world on his shoulders. He’s just ready to give up on life & quit altogether. He’s been told he’s just the worst sort of failure. Poor Henry, he can’t get anything right.

He’s walking down the street, losing more hope with every step. He remembers all those Sunday school classes about Jesus & His mighty love. So he says, “Jesus, if you’re there, help me.”

So here comes Jesus., walking up from the other direction. (Lol, go ahead, picture it however you like. Maybe he’s in jeans & a t-shirt or a nice business suit. Shorts & flip flops? Ball cap anyone? — Maybe it’s a busy city street or a small town square? Either way, He meets up with good ole’ย Henry.)

He introduces Himself & all that good stuff. Tells Henry He heard him loud & clear. & then He says this….

“Well ya know Henry, ya really wouldn’t be in this situation if you hadn’t done this, that, & the other. I’ve been paying attention. I saw that thing you did last month… & that really bad thing you did last Tuesday, you know the one. I also know about those things you do every single day. Shoot, just this morning I noticed some new things even I was shocked to see. You’re living a life of sin Henry. — Now I’m only saying all of this because I love you & if you continue down this path you are going to hell. Straight to hell. You will not pass go & you will not collect 200 dollars. Hell it is. It’s in the Bible. I know you’ve read it. I know you’ve seen it. This is not news to you. You made this mess Henry, I need you to see the error of your ways. — I’m here for you though. I love you. But I’m in the business of tough love. I will forgive you. You need to repent, turn back, never fall into this sort of sin again, or you will be in danger of failing to inherit the kingdom. It’s that simple.”

At this moment, the rest of Henry’s world shatters. Engulfed in despair, he tries to make sense of it all. Here he is, crying out for some compassion & some help, and this is what he gets. Reprimanded. All of his failures, the same ones causing him to feel hopeless & miserable, thrown in his face. With his last shred of hope, he calls on Jesus, and is met with the exact opposite of what he was searching for.

Henry begins to feel the hopelessness & misery weigh down upon him even heavier than before. With a grief-filled heart, that sought out comfort, peace, hope, & love…. he turns & walks back in the direction he came from. — He met Jesus… & when he did, Jesus made it all feel worthless. —–

(I don’t know about anyone else…. but this isn’t how I met Jesus. — He came to me with love. Love I had never known in all my life. Love that made despair & misery seem so very small. Life-changing love. — Not what poor Henry was greeted with.)

No, Henry didn’t meet Jesus… what he met was a lot of today’s Christians. — & when he did… He walked away from Jesus.

An Ugly Truth…

Looking back I can honestly say that this has been the toughest year of my life.

In March I decided I would take writing my book seriously… and in March life started to fall apart. By May I had given up & forgotten about it. Life got better. ย — In June I decided to start this blog to help me get more comfortable with interacting & to recommit myself to my book… and in July life started to fall apart, worse than before. It didn’t take long & I stopped working on my book & I stopped blogging for a while. Life got better. — By October/November or so I decided to get serious about my book & blogging again… and life started to fall apart… eventually I gave up again. Life got better.

This month I realized the blog is working. I am getting more comfortable with myself & better with people. That is huge. I love that I’m improving. I hate living in a box just because I’m so afraid of what the world thinks. So I decided to start blogging again, working on my book, & fighting my fear of interacting with people… & once again, life is starting to fall apart all around me. — The struggle is getting real.

I want to become who I know I can be if I’d just let myself live.

—I strongly believe, without a doubt, in Jesus Christ. With that belief comes Satan as well. He came to steal, kill, & destroy. & every time I start trying to get my life on track, everything starts to fall apart. I get attacked from every which way… and it doesn’t stop until I crumble. — I always crumble. Eventually I can’t take it anymore & I just stop where I’m at, throw up my hands, and quit. — I’m so tired of crumbling & I’m so tired of quitting even if does make life more comfortable. —

I sometimes wonder what’s out there for me that Satan is working so hard to keep me from? What is it that I am capable of that he never wants me to figure out? — Every time I try to move forward.. everything goes wrong. If I stay right where I am, just like I am… terrified of everything, then I have no problems. But as long as I stay frozen in this place & afraid… Life is okay. It’s not what I want, but it’s okay. I don’t feel attacked & I don’t feel helpless… I can breathe.

I have decided to blog, write my book, work on my anxiety, push myself, & break free from this miserably lonely prison I’m in. That was about two weeks ago… and I’m already feeling the heat. The walls are closing in & I am desperately trying to keep them back. — I haven’t quit yet. Not this time, not yet. I don’t want to. — This is such a tough war to fight & I really don’t want to lose again. — Heaven help me, I really don’t want to lose again. I see progress in myself. I see cracks in the shell I live in. I feel different. I feel change. I have real hope for the first time ever. — & I don’t want to lose that.

(I don’t know what the purpose of this post is… I just had to vent. I had to say that out loud, put it down on paper, or something. So I figure why not share? This blog is all about my journey from where I am to where I’m going. Thought I’d let you guys know why my book is taking foreverrrr to get written, lol)

As Always,
Heather! ๐Ÿ™‚

My Heart Hurts Tonight…

I write this tonight with so many emotions and yet a lack of the right words. — What do you do & what do you say when another person’s heart is breaking? How do you tell someone you love that everything will be okay & not to worry, when you know that it can only bring so much comfort? — My best friend’s mom had another heart attack tonight. — I love my best friend. I love her sweet mother. I’ve known them for years now. As a woman is fighting to hold onto her life, a woman I genuinely care for… a daughter, whom I also genuinely care for, is in pain.

There are no words that can make that pain disappear. I can only say so much before there is nothing left to say. & then what? — I can pray. I know God listens & I know He loves. But with a world cursed by sin, there is so much bad that runs rampant that I, as one person, can only do so much in its wake. — I believe in the power of God. I believe in not putting Him in a box & limiting His capabitilies. — Late at night sometimes, in the cooler months. I go lay outside & stare up at the beautiful night sky. (One of my hobbies, star gazing & meteor showers.) I see how big & beautiful this universe is & I see how big God is. — That is truly all I have to hold onto and to share. To remind others just how big God is & how much He loves.

My heart hurts tonight… Along with so many others. …. and I don’t have the words. I don’t know what to say. — Sometimes a lot of emotion means too much to put into words. The right ones at least. —

I will say this though: Love can conquer, heal, and help so many things. So tonight, I will hold onto love. It in itself is so very powerful. So when all else fails… Love.

-hmthreatte.

Take A Look Around..

Does anyone else ever feel like the weight of the world has found a permanent home on their shoulders? — Sadly enough, I know life seems that way to me lately.ย 

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I feel like a swimmer that gets pulled under… and every time I get my head back up above the water, I get pulled right back under.ย 

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I’m just so sick of it. Some days I feel like not another soul on earth understands… and then some days I know better than that. I feel like everyone gets so caught up in their own lives that they miss the significance of what goes on around them. — & I’m guilty of doing the same. We all are at times.ย 

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We don’t always understand the struggles of another. Especially if we’ve never been there ourselves. So tonight I’m asking everyone to take a good look around them. Just look closely at your family, friend, or neighbor… ask them how they are. See if there’s anything you can do for them. Reach out, they may need it. — If they don’t, then that’s great. If they do… then you’ll be glad you did. ๐Ÿ™‚

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-hmthreatte!

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To Keep Going…

Sometimes things seem too big to be accomplished. However, usually the problem is the way we are looking at what’s in front of us.

If we look at the big picture it can seem so overwhelming. That’s when we have to take a step back and look at all the little pieces that come together to make the big picture.

So what do we do when even the little piece of the puzzle looks impossible? — Mark 10:27. — We remind ourselves that it’s not impossible.

I spend a lot of time reminding myself that anything is possible. That there’s nothing to be afraid of. Nothing and no one. — That being said, I’m still a big chicken. That’s why I have to spend so much time reminding myself not to be.

You have to understand that I’m afraid of everything to understand why it gets in the way so much. I’m afraid of people, criticism (Tho aren’t we all on that one), failure, (and that one) unfamiliar territory, and on my worst days, I’m afraid I’m simply not capable of very much of anything at all. — It stops me in my tracks. I freeze wherever I’m at and if I’m lucky, I don’t panic.. lol. — Though I’m getting better, it still catches up to me. —

So while even the smallest task may seem impossible… I have to remember that it’s not & then refuse to let anything stop me.

So while everything seems a little too big right now, I’m going work on my book anyway. Usually I would stop. If I’m being honest I’d wait weeks or months to even pick it back up again. — When I started this blog I said I wouldn’t do that anymore. That I wouldn’t let anything stop me. So I won’t. — I’m just going to keep telling myself that it’s not impossible and force myself to keep going.

So as I end this post, just know that I am going to be working as soon as I’m finished here. — It may seem to me like I can’t do this right now that it’s too overwhelming, but if I keep stopping because of that then I won’t ever accomplish what I’ve set out to do… and in the end, I find that far worse than just being afraid to keep going.

-hmthreatte!