Tag Archives: Chaos

Just To Let You Know…

I haven’t worked on writing my book in months. Not one word. Why? Well, I’m not even sure. — I feel like starting over from scratch, like I mean I have a couple chapters written & a bunch of notes that make up jumbled thoughts & pieces of the story. It’s just… now I’m second guessing if I’m going in the right direction with my writing or if I’m just too scared to keep trying.

Do I throw away what I’ve written & start over? Do I completely scratch the idea & come up with another one? Do I try to write something entirely different? Or do I just push on? — I can’t decide. Sometimes I feel like I’m stopping because I’m a big chicken & sometimes I feel like I’ve just lost my way.

It’s a lot of hard work. What if I can’t do it? What if I fail? What if it sucks? What if people hate it? Shoot, what if I hate it? — What if I’m just a horrible writer & only I think I’m good at it? Lol… talk about awkward! — Is it worth it? To do all that work, put all the time & passion into it for it to possibly be the worst piece of literature to ever be written. Lol… (Okay, so it probably wouldn’t be quite that bad, lol, but you catch my drift.)

Tis’ the fear of the unknown! It will drive you insane. — I mean I’d never give up writing. I’d be lost without it. It’s part of who I am. It’s part of what makes me, me. However… there is still the possibility I’m no good at it. — I read in a book the other day where someone said “Anybody can write, but to be an exceptional writer you have to be naturally talented.” — Well what if I’m the only person that thinks I’m talented? Lol… wouldn’t that get interesting?

Anyway, I just thought I’d tell you guys a little bit about why I rarely write about what I’m working on… lol, it’s because I’m not working on it.  — We’ll see what happens though. — I do this a lot. 🙂

As Always,
Heather! 🙂

An Ugly Truth…

Looking back I can honestly say that this has been the toughest year of my life.

In March I decided I would take writing my book seriously… and in March life started to fall apart. By May I had given up & forgotten about it. Life got better.  — In June I decided to start this blog to help me get more comfortable with interacting & to recommit myself to my book… and in July life started to fall apart, worse than before. It didn’t take long & I stopped working on my book & I stopped blogging for a while. Life got better. — By October/November or so I decided to get serious about my book & blogging again… and life started to fall apart… eventually I gave up again. Life got better.

This month I realized the blog is working. I am getting more comfortable with myself & better with people. That is huge. I love that I’m improving. I hate living in a box just because I’m so afraid of what the world thinks. So I decided to start blogging again, working on my book, & fighting my fear of interacting with people… & once again, life is starting to fall apart all around me. — The struggle is getting real.

I want to become who I know I can be if I’d just let myself live.

—I strongly believe, without a doubt, in Jesus Christ. With that belief comes Satan as well. He came to steal, kill, & destroy. & every time I start trying to get my life on track, everything starts to fall apart. I get attacked from every which way… and it doesn’t stop until I crumble. — I always crumble. Eventually I can’t take it anymore & I just stop where I’m at, throw up my hands, and quit. — I’m so tired of crumbling & I’m so tired of quitting even if does make life more comfortable. —

I sometimes wonder what’s out there for me that Satan is working so hard to keep me from? What is it that I am capable of that he never wants me to figure out? — Every time I try to move forward.. everything goes wrong. If I stay right where I am, just like I am… terrified of everything, then I have no problems. But as long as I stay frozen in this place & afraid… Life is okay. It’s not what I want, but it’s okay. I don’t feel attacked & I don’t feel helpless… I can breathe.

I have decided to blog, write my book, work on my anxiety, push myself, & break free from this miserably lonely prison I’m in. That was about two weeks ago… and I’m already feeling the heat. The walls are closing in & I am desperately trying to keep them back. — I haven’t quit yet. Not this time, not yet. I don’t want to. — This is such a tough war to fight & I really don’t want to lose again. — Heaven help me, I really don’t want to lose again. I see progress in myself. I see cracks in the shell I live in. I feel different. I feel change. I have real hope for the first time ever. — & I don’t want to lose that.

(I don’t know what the purpose of this post is… I just had to vent. I had to say that out loud, put it down on paper, or something. So I figure why not share? This blog is all about my journey from where I am to where I’m going. Thought I’d let you guys know why my book is taking foreverrrr to get written, lol)

As Always,
Heather! 🙂

Humiliation & Things…

To be humiliated is an awful thing. It’s a shock so strong to the heart that it becomes a pain so deep it forever lingers. — To be humiliated brings a shame like no other & leaves a scar that is as deep & jagged as any. — To be humiliated is an awful thing… One that is very hard to come back from.

It stays with you. It haunts you from its grave long after it’s gone. — It’s real pain. It’s raw pain. It’s that bitter sting of hurt that kicks us when we’re already down & broken.

You can hurt somebody & then you can humiliate somebody. — You can just hurt, without the humiliation, or you can pair the two together. — But that last option, putting them together… That’s such an ugly thing.

You don’t forget it. You can’t run from it. & unfortunately, it doesn’t feel like you can defeat it. It follows you into each new chapter of your life. It reminds you that it’s still there.

It pierces the heart & tears you up inside. Only to pave the way to a thousand walls. Walls erected in fear & mistrust. Walls erected as a direct result of humiliation. — Walls you’d feel unprotected without.

At first glance it seems so small… But as it grows it takes over. It shows itself as what it is. — To be humiliated is an awful thing.

*** This is filled with a little more emotion than my usual posts. But that’s what is so amazing about being a writer… we can tap into so many different things. — When I first began writing, this is how it started. When I was feeling something, Whether that be pain, anger, sadness, or happiness… I would just sit down & write. It was the best medicine. — & it still is! 🙂 ***


My Commas

This is like a public service announcement of sorts.

I am the queen of comma abuse. Sometimes I just throw commas in wherever. Please forgive every one of them that you stumble upon as you read my blog posts. I promise I don’t do it on purpose. Commas are my weakness. I have this bad habit of typing out the words just as I think them (with no revisions what-so-ever) and throwing in commas everywhere I pause in my thoughts. (Including where they don’t belong.)

My old English teachers used to have a blast with their red pens & my papers, Lol.


f it’s one of those things that just drives you crazy, I’m sorry. I do fix some of them when I notice or when I read back through. However, there are usually so many that I still miss a good bit. On the bright side that is most definitely my worst grammar issue. So other than commas where they don’t belong, I don’t think I am driving you guys too crazy.

Oh, and I do that thing with the dots a lot. Again, I’m writing it just like I’m thinking it. I throw those dots in like I throw commas in. So you’ll have to excuse those too. — If I go back and take them out afterwards I feel like I’ve changed the entire dynamic of what I’ve written. It just doesn’t feel right even if it’s grammatically incorrect.

So forgive me for my misplaced commas & little lines of dots where they shouldn’t be. It’s a bad habit, lol.

-Heather! 🙂