Okay! So for the first time in months… & I do mean months, many, many months.. 😉 … I have busted out the lap top & writing basket. (That’s what I call it, 😀.. the writing basket, lol holds all my notes and fun stuff like that.. 😉.) Anyhow… it’s hard, it’s a lot of work, & kinda scary… feels a little daunting.. ya know? Cause a book is so big… ya start thinking about all those little pieces.. how you build something so big.. one word at a time… & honestly I almost wanna run screaming in the other direction. 😀. — But there is only one way to get this creation written down… & that’s one word at a time. & there’s only one person who can tell this story… And then tell all the ones to follow it… & that’s me. Cause I’ve created it and I’m the only one who can know it like I do. — So God help me, (that was a legit plea to God btw.. 😂.) Cause I’m diving back in! ❤
The title says it all.
I have, for the foreseeable future, tabled the book I have been working on.
When I decided to write my first book I didn’t realize that I was going to get lost in the mechanics of it all, so to speak. I didn’t know at the time that I was going to let genre choices, people, expectations, and pressure dictate the story I told. — But that’s exactly what I did.
Instead of focusing on a story that I was passionate about…. I made up a story that I thought would fit where I was trying to make it fit. — I have been trying to write in a way that hasn’t been true to me or who I am. I have been trying to write a book about something that I have zero passion for. I didn’t get lost in my characters & their lives like I should have. I tried… you’ll see that in posts prior to this one, but I think deep down my heart was never really in it. I’m the writer, & I wasn’t even interested in them. I’m still not interested in them. I tried to be… it just didn’t work.
Honestly, I was so worried about the readers I would alienate if I didn’t try to find some way to pull them in, that I made up a story that I thought would fit in several different boxes. — Only, it didn’t make me happy… & I’ve struggled to write it.
A few nights ago, I was outside enjoying the cold night air & listening to some music (My favorite way to relax & to just think, btw) & some characters & a story that goes along with them popped into my head. — That may seem strange to someone who doesn’t think in stories like I do, Lol, I’m not crazy, I promise. It’s just the writer in me. These characters weren’t strangers. Their story is one I thought of a while back & considered writing. Only… it’s a love story… which I thought at the time just wasn’t good enough. — I was wrong.
So I’ve made a decision to change course.
I’m going to write it. I’m going to write my romance-y book & forget all about the people who dislike romance in their books. If that is the case, then I may not be the author for them. & that’s okay. —- It just took me a long time to realize that it’s okay.
I decided to write my first book & then pieced a story together based off what I thought a majority would want to read. — & it hasn’t been working.
I thought if I changed what I was writing, that I was admitting failure. & maybe I am. I’m admitting that, for now, I have failed to make it work. But I started failing from the moment I began…. when I came up with an idea for all the wrong reasons.
If you’re a writer, then maybe you’ll understand what I’m about to say. Most of the time, we don’t choose the stories we tell… they choose us. & it’s those stories that are interweaved into who we are… and so we tell them. — With passion & with fire, we fall in love with what we’ve created as we share it with others.
So as much as I hate to even say it, because it makes me feel like a failure, I have to follow my heart. I screwed up in the beginning and even though I’m headed in the right direction now… I know there will be people who think I just couldn’t do it or that I’m just not dedicated. — That reality kills a little bit of the joy I have found & the confidence I have gained… but I won’t let it stop me.
So until next time,
I’m alive. — Just in case you thought maybe I wasn’t. — I haven’t been here in a little while. Shame on me, I know, Lol.
I wonder how it’s possible that I can love writing so much, yet somehow write so very little at times. I think I’m just going to blame it on a lazy streak. — I think I like that option the best. (I’m going to pretend like it has nothing to do with losing focus & lacking drive, 🙂 )
One thing is for sure though…. I so missed this!! I didn’t even know it until I started typing a few minutes ago. Anything new going on you ask? Lol, well let’s see.
– Life is pretty much the same.
– I am still slowly working on my novel, if you could even really call it that at the moment. Lol ( it’s a couple of chapters, a bunch of notes, the beginnings of a town laid out, & a Naval base that is still in the stages of … well, not created yet. Haha… but its going places, that is to be sure.)
– I am in the double digits on Candy Crush…. the game I swore to myself I would never play. (Somebody ate her words didn’t she? & then became addicted to it no less.) Shame on me again, I know.
– I still have an old version of YouTube on my tablet (you know from ages ago back when you didn’t have to watch ads before every video, lol) that I have not been forced to update yet. 🙂 ) I’m terrified one day I’m going to pop on there & see that somehow I accidentally turned on “update automatically when on wi-fi” & it will be lost to me forever. — Such a terrible loss should the day ever come. — So that, I’m grateful to report… has not changed. 🙂
– I did have a dental cleaning this month…. no cavities or anything, I’m all good. (Though we are most definitely not going to talk about how I need to have my wisdom teeth taken out in the near future. I am refusing to deal with that particular development. — Wisdom teeth? What are those? Never heard of them.
– As usual, I have many books to be read or that I am currently reading. No change there.
– I did get my hair cut last month. But really all I did was get it trimmed…. so it looks exactly the same. Lol.
Okay, so apparently other than my Candy Crush endeavors… nothing has really changed. Same ol’ things, same ol’ Heather. But that’s okay. The world changes so rapidly that it’s nice when things stay the same sometimes.
Anyhow, I just thought I’d say hi & update you guys a little. 🙂 Also, I do believe I will stick around for a while & not pull the disappearing act again. 🙂
I just want to put this out there. — There is a lot of work in creating a fictional town & military base. :O
It goes without saying that Tolkien was something of a creative mastermind, Lol.. what with his fictional world, languages, & history. — Oh, if only I could sit down & have a chat with him.
On the bright side, I’m getting a good bit accomplished. I sort of started writing the first couple chapters of my book with the idea in my head for where it takes place… but then I noticed that the more I wrote the harder it was getting to visualize. — So now I’m backtracking to actually creating some of these places.
Anyhow, I’m going to get back to it. (& my Pretty Little Liars marathon on Netflix… Lol, don’t judge.. 😉 )
Oh my goodness… I’m a pretty decent writer! 🙂 (Excluding all my comma splices & the like! 😀 Haha, let’s not bring those up!)
I don’t know if any of you guys are like me or not, but when I’m writing I end up having to read through what I’ve written like a thousand times. By the time I’ve read it that many times it starts to sound awful. I’m like… oh my goodness… I’m a horrible writer. — Since I haven’t worked on my book in months, I haven’t read any of what I’ve written. — Until tonight.
As I was reading through my first chapter I realized it’s actually good. I kept thinking, Oh my goodness.. I wrote this? — No way, someone must have come behind me & rewrote this entire thing, haha… because it’s actually pretty good. — Good enough that I’m still trying to figure out how I managed to do it! Lol.
I’m notorious for being my own worst critic. Sometimes I feel like I’m not capable of writing anything good… that I’m just not as talented as other writers. (I know, bad thing to do.– Old habits die hard.) Anyhow as I was reading tonight I realized that I really do have some talent here. Maybe not the exact same talent as those I’ve compared myself to in the past. But I have talent. We are all different types of writers & we all excel in different ways. — I’m talented at what I write, the way I write it. (It may not always feel like it, but I’m good at it.) — My good may not be the same as another persons, but it’s good in its own right.
I’ve been reading & writing ever since I learned how to do both. When I was seven & eight years old I would write stories (The crazy kind about talking shoes, mermaids, and rabbits, lol) then I would run down to my grandma’s house & tell her to read them & she’d always tell me they were good. (Haha & we all know she wouldn’t fabricate the truth a little to make a child feel better, right?) — In all seriousness though, I’ve been at this thing for a long time. Beating myself up along the way about how I could possibly be the worst writer in history. (That’d be awkward.)
But I’m not. 😀 — & for once in my life I actually believe that.
Pretty awesome, yeah?
For the first time in a while I have actually worked on my book. I pulled out all my notebooks, folders, papers, & my lap tops & just worked. All I really worked on was more plot planning & fleshing out my secondary characters… but it really felt good. — A few weeks ago I was second guessing whether I should keep on writing it or just scrap it. — I’m definitely going to keep writing it. 🙂
I worked on it a lot a while back & I spent so much time thinking about it that it just became overwhelming & kind of depressing, rather than something fun & enjoyable. Tonight I was watching t.v. and I was just itching to create something. To write and bring something to life. I was doodling all over a little notepad & it was driving me crazy. It wasn’t enough. — So I pulled everything out & just went to work. — That is by far one of the best decisions I’ve made in a while. —
I don’t want to toss my story out now. I want to complete it. I want to pull this story out of my head & finish writing it down. — It’s a little scary. It’s a lot intimidating. But it’s also possible. Most importantly, it’s worth it. — I think that’s part of what I’ve needed to come to terms with. That even though it’s a lot of hard work, time, planning, and writing… it’s worth it. Even though at times it seems overwhelming & like more of a chore rather than something I love… it’s worth it. It’s worth fighting for. It’s worth continuing.
So whenever I get fed up with it & I’m sick of seeing it because it’s driving me crazy, I think I’m just going to take a little step back, get some perspective, and then come back to it… as opposed to just giving up on it altogether. I realized long ago that I could never give up writing… I wouldn’t even know how to do that. — I’ve just recently realized that although I love writing tremendously… that it’s okay to not like it sometimes. It’s okay if writing frustrates me rather than makes me happy from time to time. It’s a lot of work… and work can do that to a person. — I’ve held on to this ideal that I have to love it all the time or not like it at all… but I’m learning that that’s not necessarily the case. 🙂
So it’s been a while since you guys have seen anything related to the book I’m writing. Bear with me, times get tough & I put it down far too often. — I promise I have not given up, lol, I will finish the book eventually. In the next could of weeks you guys will see some updates here, I promise! 🙂
Oh & the other day I found out that I have a real phobia. Trypophobia. Which is a fear (or rather very great revulsion) to an unnatural looking cluster of holes. Lol, I thought I was just a complete weirdo. Turns out, it’s a Phobia & has a name, lol even if it is weird. Literally, lotus seed pod things & the like, make me physically ill to look at! — Ya learn something new everyday! 🙂
Y’all have a great night! 🙂