An Ugly Truth…

Looking back I can honestly say that this has been the toughest year of my life.

In March I decided I would take writing my book seriously… and in March life started to fall apart. By May I had given up & forgotten about it. Life got better.  — In June I decided to start this blog to help me get more comfortable with interacting & to recommit myself to my book… and in July life started to fall apart, worse than before. It didn’t take long & I stopped working on my book & I stopped blogging for a while. Life got better. — By October/November or so I decided to get serious about my book & blogging again… and life started to fall apart… eventually I gave up again. Life got better.

This month I realized the blog is working. I am getting more comfortable with myself & better with people. That is huge. I love that I’m improving. I hate living in a box just because I’m so afraid of what the world thinks. So I decided to start blogging again, working on my book, & fighting my fear of interacting with people… & once again, life is starting to fall apart all around me. — The struggle is getting real.

I want to become who I know I can be if I’d just let myself live.

—I strongly believe, without a doubt, in Jesus Christ. With that belief comes Satan as well. He came to steal, kill, & destroy. & every time I start trying to get my life on track, everything starts to fall apart. I get attacked from every which way… and it doesn’t stop until I crumble. — I always crumble. Eventually I can’t take it anymore & I just stop where I’m at, throw up my hands, and quit. — I’m so tired of crumbling & I’m so tired of quitting even if does make life more comfortable. —

I sometimes wonder what’s out there for me that Satan is working so hard to keep me from? What is it that I am capable of that he never wants me to figure out? — Every time I try to move forward.. everything goes wrong. If I stay right where I am, just like I am… terrified of everything, then I have no problems. But as long as I stay frozen in this place & afraid… Life is okay. It’s not what I want, but it’s okay. I don’t feel attacked & I don’t feel helpless… I can breathe.

I have decided to blog, write my book, work on my anxiety, push myself, & break free from this miserably lonely prison I’m in. That was about two weeks ago… and I’m already feeling the heat. The walls are closing in & I am desperately trying to keep them back. — I haven’t quit yet. Not this time, not yet. I don’t want to. — This is such a tough war to fight & I really don’t want to lose again. — Heaven help me, I really don’t want to lose again. I see progress in myself. I see cracks in the shell I live in. I feel different. I feel change. I have real hope for the first time ever. — & I don’t want to lose that.

(I don’t know what the purpose of this post is… I just had to vent. I had to say that out loud, put it down on paper, or something. So I figure why not share? This blog is all about my journey from where I am to where I’m going. Thought I’d let you guys know why my book is taking foreverrrr to get written, lol)

As Always,
Heather! 🙂

To Keep Going…

Sometimes things seem too big to be accomplished. However, usually the problem is the way we are looking at what’s in front of us.

If we look at the big picture it can seem so overwhelming. That’s when we have to take a step back and look at all the little pieces that come together to make the big picture.

So what do we do when even the little piece of the puzzle looks impossible? — Mark 10:27. — We remind ourselves that it’s not impossible.

I spend a lot of time reminding myself that anything is possible. That there’s nothing to be afraid of. Nothing and no one. — That being said, I’m still a big chicken. That’s why I have to spend so much time reminding myself not to be.

You have to understand that I’m afraid of everything to understand why it gets in the way so much. I’m afraid of people, criticism (Tho aren’t we all on that one), failure, (and that one) unfamiliar territory, and on my worst days, I’m afraid I’m simply not capable of very much of anything at all. — It stops me in my tracks. I freeze wherever I’m at and if I’m lucky, I don’t panic.. lol. — Though I’m getting better, it still catches up to me. —

So while even the smallest task may seem impossible… I have to remember that it’s not & then refuse to let anything stop me.

So while everything seems a little too big right now, I’m going work on my book anyway. Usually I would stop. If I’m being honest I’d wait weeks or months to even pick it back up again. — When I started this blog I said I wouldn’t do that anymore. That I wouldn’t let anything stop me. So I won’t. — I’m just going to keep telling myself that it’s not impossible and force myself to keep going.

So as I end this post, just know that I am going to be working as soon as I’m finished here. — It may seem to me like I can’t do this right now that it’s too overwhelming, but if I keep stopping because of that then I won’t ever accomplish what I’ve set out to do… and in the end, I find that far worse than just being afraid to keep going.

-hmthreatte!

When You Have Nothing To Say.. This Is What Happens.

Writing cannot be done without the use of ones’ thought, mind, or imagination. There’s a lot of heart and soul in it, but if your mind is cluttered with way too many thoughts when you’re stressed… Heaven knows it’s going to be hard to pull something decent out of it. — As I sit here tonight, I have so much on my mind that I can’t think straight. I don’t know what to write tonight. Not in the book I’m working on and not even here. I’m at a standstill.

I’m sure I’ll get the spark back… I always do. Everything twirling around in my mind makes it so hard to concentrate on anything at all. — I’m an anxious person. I try really hard not to be, but let’s face it… somehow, it seems to find me. It pulls me into a place that tries to block out all the light in my life. It consumes me. — People make me nervous. Life makes me nervous. — I know in my heart that I’m bigger than this. I know that I have a God bigger than this. I also know that I’m only human… therefore, sometimes I fail. Sometimes I fail to pull myself up and away from the anxiety and the clutter surrounding me. — This past week has just been one of those weeks.

There are a lot of people out there that judge others harshly. They look at another person’s life and they think they know enough. This right here, all of this anxiety, it is how I learned not to be that way. People can look at me and see a lot of things… only, they don’t always see the struggles and the battles. They don’t know what’s going on inside. — That’s why kindness is so important. One never knows when they might be the only light someone sees that day.

It’s a very cliché phrase… WWJD? What Would Jesus Do? — He’d be the light. He’d be the kindness. He’d be the love. I was a child when I learned that phrase. I didn’t fully understand its meaning… but I do now. For that, I am glad. I never want to fail to be the kindness that someone else needs.. partly because I understand what it’s like to need the kindness and compassion myself.

I really don’t know what this blog post is all about. I came here and had nothing to say. What I ended up saying.. well, this is definitely one of the most personal posts I’ve written yet, lol. — I guess you can take it however you’d like to. I’m an overly emotional writer tonight, I think everyone should strive to be kind, or simply that I had nothing to write and came up with all this insightful randomness. — You can choose whatever you want. 🙂 —

-hmthreatte!