A Purpose Lies Ahead…

I wanna say a little something real quick.

While working out earlier it hit me that some times in life we get in places where we can’t see past where we are currently at. Especially when those places are painful. When we don’t know which way is up or down & we can’t seem to claw our way out of the darkness we find ourselves in. It can get hard & tunnel vision becomes a real thing.

I’ve been there. As I’m sure most people have been. — Once upon a time I couldn’t see how or why in the world I was ever going to make it. It’s now years later… & I can see it.

I used to think there was no hope. I used to think that I was so incredibly broken that I would forever be in pieces. I couldn’t understand why in the world God would have me here, on this Earth, so shredded & torn apart. & I used to ask Him, why? Not why am I in pain or why is this misery in my life… but why am I here at all when this place is breaking me & I could be with You instead? Because I knew back then.. Ya know, this is a fallen world & full of sin & it’s bound to be a hard place to be sometimes. So that’s not the question I had for Him when asking why… it was why am I here, rather than why does it hurt so much.

In those moments, when I was lost in my own misery, He would always show up. Never giving up, never quitting on me. He would show up with an I love you, it’s going to be alright, I’m with you, you’re not alone. But I would still struggle with the why.

Because I could never see past the pain. I couldn’t see down the road, to the future. I couldn’t see what was on the other side. Or even a light at the end of the tunnel. It appeared to be darkness ahead.

All I saw was my shattered soul & broken spirit. A girl getting swallowed up by the world.

All those years ago I asked why. I begged & I pleaded. Why? But there was so much pain & turmoil I couldn’t see through it.

God has a plan for my life. It made zero since to me back then. I couldn’t fathom how that girl, who she was all those years ago… how she would possibly fit into any plans He had. So it didn’t make sense & I couldn’t see it.

But I can see it now. Because that girl… she fought, clawed, & climbed her way out of the darkness. (Slowly & not of her own strength, mind you.) — & when she came out on the other side… she was no longer the same person. She could see.

Every day I still fight the good fight, trying to keep my head up above the water. I keep moving forward, little by little. Good days & bad days, doesn’t matter, I keep fighting. Because I know why now. & because I know why… the will to fight doesn’t come from just trying to survive anymore… it comes from knowing that God has a plan & a purpose for me & my life & I have to keep moving forward to execute it.

So to anyone out there who reads this… God has a purpose for you. Whether you can see it or not… it’s true. So if you ever find yourself where I once was, feeling like you’re lost & you can’t figure out why in the world you’re here. That’s why. — & it’s a beautiful reason to be here. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Writing Confession…

I have a confession to make.

I suck at writing dialogue.

Why, you might ask?

I don’t know. I have this theory that it’s an overlap from being so shy that I suck at conversation in general. It’s like a person that stutters when they talk, but when they sing, it’s the most beautiful flow of words you’ve ever heard. — When I write, it just flows & it’s amazing…. right up until I hit dialogue, and then that same brick wall that comes up in actual conversations that I have, comes up when I try to make conversations happen in my writing. —

Sometimes I do an okay job at it, others, might as well just scrap what I’m writing and start over for the 100th time, Lol.

So I’m going to try to help myself out a little & make an effort to write a little more dialogue every day to see if I can get to a place where it flows like the rest of my writing. — I actually have a little story titled “Horrible Writing” because it contains a good bit of dialogue & I was so frustrated after writing it that I gave it that lovely title. Lol, I thought it fitting at the time. — A sense of humor can go a long way! 🙂

Now I’m off to write a bunch of dialogue… — Wish me luck!

Motive Matters…

I will complete my first book. I will write more. I may write all sorts of things in the future that I have no idea about right this moment. Who knows? My husband and I have future plans for starting up an organization to help the less fortunate, homeless, and other people who are down on their luck. (That will probably be a while tho… but we’ll get there.) We want to adopt children at some point & maybe even have a pretty big family someday. (Something I once said I’d never have, lol.) — I have goals. They are there & they are real.

Sometimes there is a small part of me that is just itching to reach them all so that I can say to every person that doubted me, —- Ha! You thought I wasn’t going to make anything of myself or my life. In your face! You thought you knew better than me about what I should be doing? Ha! I love to write & I want to spend my life helping others… but that wasn’t ideal so it wasn’t “living in the real world.” In. Your. Face. You were wrong! — (Okay, so that’s not very mature of me, lol. but that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it a time or two.)

The thing is… I can’t let that be the basis for what I do or how I go about doing it. I’ve noticed that it overshadows my desire for the things I love. — Interesting, yeah? lol.) — If I spend my time focusing on proving people wrong, I lose focus on all of the things I want to do for myself & others. When I let all the hurt & anger rise up I lose sight of all the good I want to be a part of. I put too much pressure on myself & I start wanting it all for the wrong reasons.

I felt that way today. I wanted to accomplish everything for all the wrong reasons simply because my feelings were hurt again.

Luckily, I remembered who I am. 🙂  — I thought about my future, what I want, what I can do, who I can be, and the love & kindness that I can share. I thought about how much I love writing, books, & reading. I thought about what our family could be like someday. I thought about all the people who need help that I could be a part of helping. I thought about all the positive things & remembered that I’m not doing any of it to prove anyone wrong or throw it someone’s face.. — I’m doing it all out of passion, love, & kindness. — Lol, the complete opposite of what I was feeling earlier today!

Anyhow, guess that’s why we should never let the negative overpower the positive.
Heather! 🙂

A Whole Lot Of Nothing…

Blah. Blah. Blah. — That’s about how I feel right now. Blah.

It seems insane, that at my age, I could feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. — It just seems insane. I feel like I’m being crushed by the world. I’m not kidding either, I feel like I’m crumbling underneath a massive weight. — Jeez. That sounds pretty pessimistic, doesn’t it?

Excuse my bad attitude tonight. I’m just tired of putting on a happy face right now. Because I cannot tell a lie… I’m not feeling happy. I’m feeling… blah. It’s just one of those days where it’s like if it’s not one thing, it’s another. & honestly, I’m not in the mood for either… not the one thing or the other.

I always try to push myself to be positive. Sometimes I fail. I won’t lie… it happens. — It’s happening right now.

I am so sick of worrying about ten thousand things all the time. That’s just how I’ve always been & sometimes I get to a point where I am like.. no more. No more. I refuse to worry because I don’t have the energy to do it. I get fed up with the time wasted on all the insignificant crap I worry about. — I’m a natural worrier… which just sucks the life out of you.. & then tries to crush you!

Right now I am torn between worrying, not caring about a thing, and blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I don’t know what to think, what to feel, or how to act right now. I kind of feel like throwing something. — Something little. Not breakable. No damage. I’m not a violent person, lol. I just feel sort of lost. & a wee bit devoid of emotion. (Except a little something that is inside me encouraging me to throw something just for funzies.) — I’m just emotionally drained.

So I’m sorry to anyone who actually reads all the way through this post. It’s horrible & full of … well, I’m not sure what it’s full of.. but it’s certainly not very entertaining.

-Heather!

An Ugly Truth…

Looking back I can honestly say that this has been the toughest year of my life.

In March I decided I would take writing my book seriously… and in March life started to fall apart. By May I had given up & forgotten about it. Life got better.  — In June I decided to start this blog to help me get more comfortable with interacting & to recommit myself to my book… and in July life started to fall apart, worse than before. It didn’t take long & I stopped working on my book & I stopped blogging for a while. Life got better. — By October/November or so I decided to get serious about my book & blogging again… and life started to fall apart… eventually I gave up again. Life got better.

This month I realized the blog is working. I am getting more comfortable with myself & better with people. That is huge. I love that I’m improving. I hate living in a box just because I’m so afraid of what the world thinks. So I decided to start blogging again, working on my book, & fighting my fear of interacting with people… & once again, life is starting to fall apart all around me. — The struggle is getting real.

I want to become who I know I can be if I’d just let myself live.

—I strongly believe, without a doubt, in Jesus Christ. With that belief comes Satan as well. He came to steal, kill, & destroy. & every time I start trying to get my life on track & stay in the will of God, everything starts to fall apart. I get attacked from every which way… and it doesn’t stop until I crumble. — I always crumble. Eventually I can’t take it anymore & I just stop where I’m at, throw up my hands, and quit. — I’m so tired of crumbling & I’m so tired of quitting even if does make life more comfortable. —

I sometimes wonder what’s out there for me that Satan is working so hard to keep me from? What is it that I am capable of that he never wants me to figure out? — Every time I try to move forward.. everything goes wrong. If I stay right where I am, just like I am… terrified of everything, then I have no problems. But as long as I stay frozen in this place & afraid… Life is okay. It’s not what I want, but it’s okay. I don’t feel attacked & I don’t feel helpless… I can breathe.

I have decided to blog, write my book, work on my anxiety, push myself, & break free from this miserably lonely prison I’m in. That was about two weeks ago… and I’m already feeling the heat. The walls are closing in & I am desperately trying to keep them back. — I haven’t quit yet. Not this time, not yet. I don’t want to. — This is such a tough war to fight & I really don’t want to lose again. — Heaven help me, I really don’t want to lose again. I see progress in myself. I see cracks in the shell I live in. I feel different. I feel change. I have real hope for the first time ever. — & I don’t want to lose that.

(I don’t know what the purpose of this post is… I just had to vent. I had to say that out loud, put it down on paper, or something. So I figure why not share? This blog is all about my journey from where I am to where I’m going. Thought I’d let you guys know why my book is taking foreverrrr to get written, lol)

As Always,
Heather! 🙂

The Party Experience..

Okay, I told you guys & gals I had a party to attend & that I’d update y’all & let you know how it went. — Well that party was tonight & I’m sticking to my word.. so here goes…

It was a formal work party(My husband’s job.) & my big thing was that I’m not good with socializing, especially with people I don’t know. — So I was a little scared, I won’t lie. — The thing is, usually my (sometimes irrational) fears of something are way worse than the actual something. — and as usual, that was the case tonight. — Thank God! 🙂

It actually went really well! I was only nervous for the first 15 minutes or so & then I was just fine. — Granted this shy girl isn’t going to turn into a social butterfly overnight or anything like that… but I was not tucked quite so tightly in to my little shell tonight.

The one thing I did notice is that I have this bad habit of looking away when I meet people. It’s pretty uncomfortable sometimes & it’s a habit to shift my gaze away. — Once I noticed I was doing it, I forced myself to do better. — That’s the only way it will get better… is if I make myself get used to it. — It’s always easier to stay in my comfort zone, but I know that won’t get me very far. So I’m slowly working on pushing myself out of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure people noticed I’m shy & not as talkative as others, but for me and what I’m usually feeling during events like this, I made some progress. 🙂

So I had a pretty good night!

One step at a time..I know I will get where I want to be, even if it’s just one small step at a time. — I have to start somewhere. 🙂

As Always,
Heather! (:

Humiliation & Things…

To be humiliated is an awful thing. It’s a shock so strong to the heart that it becomes a pain so deep it forever lingers. — To be humiliated brings a shame like no other & leaves a scar that is as deep & jagged as any. — To be humiliated is an awful thing… One that is very hard to come back from.

It stays with you. It haunts you from its grave long after it’s gone. — It’s real pain. It’s raw pain. It’s that bitter sting of hurt that kicks us when we’re already down & broken.

You can hurt somebody & then you can humiliate somebody. — You can just hurt, without the humiliation, or you can pair the two together. — But that last option, putting them together… That’s such an ugly thing.

You don’t forget it. You can’t run from it. & unfortunately, it doesn’t feel like you can defeat it. It follows you into each new chapter of your life. It reminds you that it’s still there.

It pierces the heart & tears you up inside. Only to pave the way to a thousand walls. Walls erected in fear & mistrust. Walls erected as a direct result of humiliation. — Walls you’d feel unprotected without.

At first glance it seems so small… But as it grows it takes over. It shows itself as what it is. — To be humiliated is an awful thing.

*** This is filled with a little more emotion than my usual posts. But that’s what is so amazing about being a writer… we can tap into so many different things. — When I first began writing, this is how it started. When I was feeling something, Whether that be pain, anger, sadness, or happiness… I would just sit down & write. It was the best medicine. — & it still is! 🙂 ***

-Heather!