A Purpose Lies Ahead…

I wanna say a little something real quick.

While working out earlier it hit me that some times in life we get in places where we can’t see past where we are currently at. Especially when those places are painful. When we don’t know which way is up or down & we can’t seem to claw our way out of the darkness we find ourselves in. It can get hard & tunnel vision becomes a real thing.

I’ve been there. As I’m sure most people have been. — Once upon a time I couldn’t see how or why in the world I was ever going to make it. It’s now years later… & I can see it.

I used to think there was no hope. I used to think that I was so incredibly broken that I would forever be in pieces. I couldn’t understand why in the world God would have me here, on this Earth, so shredded & torn apart. & I used to ask Him, why? Not why am I in pain or why is this misery in my life… but why am I here at all when this place is breaking me & I could be with You instead? Because I knew back then.. Ya know, this is a fallen world & full of sin & it’s bound to be a hard place to be sometimes. So that’s not the question I had for Him when asking why… it was why am I here, rather than why does it hurt so much.

In those moments, when I was lost in my own misery, He would always show up. Never giving up, never quitting on me. He would show up with an I love you, it’s going to be alright, I’m with you, you’re not alone. But I would still struggle with the why.

Because I could never see past the pain. I couldn’t see down the road, to the future. I couldn’t see what was on the other side. Or even a light at the end of the tunnel. It appeared to be darkness ahead.

All I saw was my shattered soul & broken spirit. A girl getting swallowed up by the world.

All those years ago I asked why. I begged & I pleaded. Why? But there was so much pain & turmoil I couldn’t see through it.

God has a plan for my life. It made zero since to me back then. I couldn’t fathom how that girl, who she was all those years ago… how she would possibly fit into any plans He had. So it didn’t make sense & I couldn’t see it.

But I can see it now. Because that girl… she fought, clawed, & climbed her way out of the darkness. (Slowly & not of her own strength, mind you.) — & when she came out on the other side… she was no longer the same person. She could see.

Every day I still fight the good fight, trying to keep my head up above the water. I keep moving forward, little by little. Good days & bad days, doesn’t matter, I keep fighting. Because I know why now. & because I know why… the will to fight doesn’t come from just trying to survive anymore… it comes from knowing that God has a plan & a purpose for me & my life & I have to keep moving forward to execute it.

So to anyone out there who reads this… God has a purpose for you. Whether you can see it or not… it’s true. So if you ever find yourself where I once was, feeling like you’re lost & you can’t figure out why in the world you’re here. That’s why. — & it’s a beautiful reason to be here. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Writing Confession…

I have a confession to make.

I suck at writing dialogue.

Why, you might ask?

I don’t know. I have this theory that it’s an overlap from being so shy that I suck at conversation in general. It’s like a person that stutters when they talk, but when they sing, it’s the most beautiful flow of words you’ve ever heard. — When I write, it just flows & it’s amazing…. right up until I hit dialogue, and then that same brick wall that comes up in actual conversations that I have, comes up when I try to make conversations happen in my writing. —

Sometimes I do an okay job at it, others, might as well just scrap what I’m writing and start over for the 100th time, Lol.

So I’m going to try to help myself out a little & make an effort to write a little more dialogue every day to see if I can get to a place where it flows like the rest of my writing. — I actually have a little story titled “Horrible Writing” because it contains a good bit of dialogue & I was so frustrated after writing it that I gave it that lovely title. Lol, I thought it fitting at the time. — A sense of humor can go a long way! 🙂

Now I’m off to write a bunch of dialogue… — Wish me luck!

An Ugly Truth…

Looking back I can honestly say that this has been the toughest year of my life.

In March I decided I would take writing my book seriously… and in March life started to fall apart. By May I had given up & forgotten about it. Life got better.  — In June I decided to start this blog to help me get more comfortable with interacting & to recommit myself to my book… and in July life started to fall apart, worse than before. It didn’t take long & I stopped working on my book & I stopped blogging for a while. Life got better. — By October/November or so I decided to get serious about my book & blogging again… and life started to fall apart… eventually I gave up again. Life got better.

This month I realized the blog is working. I am getting more comfortable with myself & better with people. That is huge. I love that I’m improving. I hate living in a box just because I’m so afraid of what the world thinks. So I decided to start blogging again, working on my book, & fighting my fear of interacting with people… & once again, life is starting to fall apart all around me. — The struggle is getting real.

I want to become who I know I can be if I’d just let myself live.

—I strongly believe, without a doubt, in Jesus Christ. With that belief comes Satan as well. He came to steal, kill, & destroy. & every time I start trying to get my life on track, everything starts to fall apart. I get attacked from every which way… and it doesn’t stop until I crumble. — I always crumble. Eventually I can’t take it anymore & I just stop where I’m at, throw up my hands, and quit. — I’m so tired of crumbling & I’m so tired of quitting even if does make life more comfortable. —

I sometimes wonder what’s out there for me that Satan is working so hard to keep me from? What is it that I am capable of that he never wants me to figure out? — Every time I try to move forward.. everything goes wrong. If I stay right where I am, just like I am… terrified of everything, then I have no problems. But as long as I stay frozen in this place & afraid… Life is okay. It’s not what I want, but it’s okay. I don’t feel attacked & I don’t feel helpless… I can breathe.

I have decided to blog, write my book, work on my anxiety, push myself, & break free from this miserably lonely prison I’m in. That was about two weeks ago… and I’m already feeling the heat. The walls are closing in & I am desperately trying to keep them back. — I haven’t quit yet. Not this time, not yet. I don’t want to. — This is such a tough war to fight & I really don’t want to lose again. — Heaven help me, I really don’t want to lose again. I see progress in myself. I see cracks in the shell I live in. I feel different. I feel change. I have real hope for the first time ever. — & I don’t want to lose that.

(I don’t know what the purpose of this post is… I just had to vent. I had to say that out loud, put it down on paper, or something. So I figure why not share? This blog is all about my journey from where I am to where I’m going. Thought I’d let you guys know why my book is taking foreverrrr to get written, lol)

As Always,
Heather! 🙂

Humiliation & Things…

To be humiliated is an awful thing. It’s a shock so strong to the heart that it becomes a pain so deep it forever lingers. — To be humiliated brings a shame like no other & leaves a scar that is as deep & jagged as any. — To be humiliated is an awful thing… One that is very hard to come back from.

It stays with you. It haunts you from its grave long after it’s gone. — It’s real pain. It’s raw pain. It’s that bitter sting of hurt that kicks us when we’re already down & broken.

You can hurt somebody & then you can humiliate somebody. — You can just hurt, without the humiliation, or you can pair the two together. — But that last option, putting them together… That’s such an ugly thing.

You don’t forget it. You can’t run from it. & unfortunately, it doesn’t feel like you can defeat it. It follows you into each new chapter of your life. It reminds you that it’s still there.

It pierces the heart & tears you up inside. Only to pave the way to a thousand walls. Walls erected in fear & mistrust. Walls erected as a direct result of humiliation. — Walls you’d feel unprotected without.

At first glance it seems so small… But as it grows it takes over. It shows itself as what it is. — To be humiliated is an awful thing.

*** This is filled with a little more emotion than my usual posts. But that’s what is so amazing about being a writer… we can tap into so many different things. — When I first began writing, this is how it started. When I was feeling something, Whether that be pain, anger, sadness, or happiness… I would just sit down & write. It was the best medicine. — & it still is! 🙂 ***

-Heather!

My Heart Hurts Tonight…

I write this tonight with so many emotions and yet a lack of the right words. — What do you do & what do you say when another person’s heart is breaking? How do you tell someone you love that everything will be okay & not to worry, when you know that it can only bring so much comfort? — My best friend’s mom had another heart attack tonight. — I love my best friend. I love her sweet mother. I’ve known them for years now. As a woman is fighting to hold onto her life, a woman I genuinely care for… a daughter, whom I also genuinely care for, is in pain.

There are no words that can make that pain disappear. I can only say so much before there is nothing left to say. & then what? — I can pray. I know God listens & I know He loves. But with a world cursed by sin, there is so much bad that runs rampant that I, as one person, can only do so much in its wake. — I believe in the power of God. I believe in not putting Him in a box & limiting His capabitilies. — Late at night sometimes, in the cooler months. I go lay outside & stare up at the beautiful night sky. (One of my hobbies, star gazing & meteor showers.) I see how big & beautiful this universe is & I see how big God is. — That is truly all I have to hold onto and to share. To remind others just how big God is & how much He loves.

My heart hurts tonight… Along with so many others. …. and I don’t have the words. I don’t know what to say. — Sometimes a lot of emotion means too much to put into words. The right ones at least. —

I will say this though: Love can conquer, heal, and help so many things. So tonight, I will hold onto love. It in itself is so very powerful. So when all else fails… Love.

-hmthreatte.

We’ve All Been There..

Somebody is doing something that is driving us absolutely insane. We just want to give them a great big piece of our mind. — Forget having respect for others & forget trying to be the bigger person, we just want to let it all out. — That little angel is hanging out on one shoulder & that little devil on the other… and if we are being completely honest, whatever that little devil is whispering is sounding pretty good.

The struggle is real and we have all been there. It’s a tough place to be. Anger & frustration mixed with knowing right from wrong can sometimes be a huge battle. There are days where I have wanted to just let it all go and be like, “Hey you, let me tell you what I think!” Lol, now I know that’s not the right thing to do. — Words spoken out of anger can be very damaging & can never be taken back. — That’s a big deal.

At 23, I know I don’t have the whole world figured out. I know I’m not the wisest of the wise. I also know that being the bigger person doesn’t always make you feel very good… even if it is the right thing to do.

I like to be honest with myself. So I can’t sit here & pretend like I’m not angry. I can’t sit here & pretend like I’m not irritated. I can’t say what I’m thinking because it wouldn’t be appropriate. However that doesn’t change the fact that I’m angry & irritated… and that my friends, just makes me more frustrated. Lol, isn’t that something? — So what to do?

I don’t have a clue. I’m here writing this because some part of me has to. — That’s why I love being a writer. Expressing myself, having this outlet… it’s probably my favorite thing about writing. — I can turn the anger & frustration into a passion that is useful. It’s a little piece of something beautiful in the midst of all the ugliness. — I like that. 🙂

So when you find yourself feeling this way again… I hope you’ll write about it. Take a pen & some paper, a computer & keyboard, or even a crayon & a napkin… whatever is nearby, and write about it. Put all those feelings and frustrations down on paper. No one ever has to see it if you don’t want them to. — If for nothing else, do it for yourself. If it helps, then great. If not, well you tried… and you get an A for effort in my book. — Also, tell somebody. Choose wisely & tell someone you trust, but tell somebody.

I don’t have all the answers. We’ve all been there & we’ll all be there again. My advice: Write it down & find a friend. & maybe say a prayer or two… for yourself & them. 🙂

A sincere.. but frustrated,
-hmthreatte!

To Keep Going…

Sometimes things seem too big to be accomplished. However, usually the problem is the way we are looking at what’s in front of us.

If we look at the big picture it can seem so overwhelming. That’s when we have to take a step back and look at all the little pieces that come together to make the big picture.

So what do we do when even the little piece of the puzzle looks impossible? — Mark 10:27. — We remind ourselves that it’s not impossible.

I spend a lot of time reminding myself that anything is possible. That there’s nothing to be afraid of. Nothing and no one. — That being said, I’m still a big chicken. That’s why I have to spend so much time reminding myself not to be.

You have to understand that I’m afraid of everything to understand why it gets in the way so much. I’m afraid of people, criticism (Tho aren’t we all on that one), failure, (and that one) unfamiliar territory, and on my worst days, I’m afraid I’m simply not capable of very much of anything at all. — It stops me in my tracks. I freeze wherever I’m at and if I’m lucky, I don’t panic.. lol. — Though I’m getting better, it still catches up to me. —

So while even the smallest task may seem impossible… I have to remember that it’s not & then refuse to let anything stop me.

So while everything seems a little too big right now, I’m going work on my book anyway. Usually I would stop. If I’m being honest I’d wait weeks or months to even pick it back up again. — When I started this blog I said I wouldn’t do that anymore. That I wouldn’t let anything stop me. So I won’t. — I’m just going to keep telling myself that it’s not impossible and force myself to keep going.

So as I end this post, just know that I am going to be working as soon as I’m finished here. — It may seem to me like I can’t do this right now that it’s too overwhelming, but if I keep stopping because of that then I won’t ever accomplish what I’ve set out to do… and in the end, I find that far worse than just being afraid to keep going.

-hmthreatte!