My Writing Confession…

I have a confession to make.

I suck at writing dialogue.

Why, you might ask?

I don’t know. I have this theory that it’s an overlap from being so shy that I suck at conversation in general. It’s like a person that stutters when they talk, but when they sing, it’s the most beautiful flow of words you’ve ever heard. — When I write, it just flows & it’s amazing…. right up until I hit dialogue, and then that same brick wall that comes up in actual conversations that I have, comes up when I try to make conversations happen in my writing. —

Sometimes I do an okay job at it, others, might as well just scrap what I’m writing and start over for the 100th time, Lol.

So I’m going to try to help myself out a little & make an effort to write a little more dialogue every day to see if I can get to a place where it flows like the rest of my writing. — I actually have a little story titled “Horrible Writing” because it contains a good bit of dialogue & I was so frustrated after writing it that I gave it that lovely title. Lol, I thought it fitting at the time. — A sense of humor can go a long way! ๐Ÿ™‚

Now I’m off to write a bunch of dialogue… — Wish me luck!

Motive Matters…

I will complete my first book. I will write more. I may write all sorts of things in the future that I have no idea about right this moment. Who knows? My husband and I have future plans for starting up an organization to help the less fortunate, homeless, and other people who are down on their luck. (That will probably be a while tho… but we’ll get there.) We want to adopt children at some point & maybe even have a pretty big family someday. (Something I once said I’d never have, lol.) — I have goals. They are there & they are real.

Sometimes there is a small part of me that is just itching to reach them all so that I can say to every person that doubted me, —- Ha! You thought I wasn’t going to make anything of myself or my life. In your face! You thought you knew better than me about what I should be doing? Ha! I love to write & I want to spend my life helping others… but that wasn’t ideal so it wasn’t “living in the real world.” In. Your. Face. You were wrong! — (Okay, so that’s not very mature of me, lol. but that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it a time or two.)

The thing is… I can’t let that be the basis for what I do or how I go about doing it. I’ve noticed that it overshadows my desire for the things I love. — Interesting, yeah? lol.) — If I spend my time focusing on proving people wrong, I lose focus on all of the things I want to do for myself & others. When I let all the hurt & anger rise up I lose sight of all the good I want to be a part of. I put too much pressure on myself & I start wanting it all for the wrong reasons.

I felt that way today. I wanted to accomplish everything for all the wrong reasons simply because my feelings were hurt again.

Luckily, I remembered who I am. ๐Ÿ™‚ ย — I thought about my future, what I want, what I can do, who I can be, and the love & kindness that I can share. I thought about how much I love writing, books, & reading. I thought about what our family could be like someday. I thought about all the people who need help that I could be a part of helping. I thought about all the positive things & remembered that I’m not doing any of it to prove anyone wrong or throw it someone’s face.. — I’m doing it all out of passion, love, & kindness. — Lol, the complete opposite of what I was feeling earlier today!

Anyhow, guess that’s why we should never let the negative overpower the positive.
Heather! ๐Ÿ™‚

A Whole Lot Of Nothing…

Blah. Blah. Blah. — That’s about how I feel right now. Blah.

It seems insane, that at my age, I could feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. — It just seems insane. I feel like I’m being crushed by the world. I’m not kidding either, I feel like I’m crumbling underneath a massive weight. — Jeez. That sounds pretty pessimistic, doesn’t it?

Excuse my bad attitude tonight. I’m just tired of putting on a happy face right now. Because I cannot tell a lie… I’m not feeling happy. I’m feeling… blah. It’s just one of those days where it’s like if it’s not one thing, it’s another. & honestly, I’m not in the mood for either… not the one thing or the other.

I always try to push myself to be positive. Sometimes I fail. I won’t lie… it happens. — It’s happening right now.

I am so sick of worrying about ten thousand things all the time. That’s just how I’ve always been & sometimes I get to a point where I am like.. no more. No more. I refuse to worry because I don’t have the energy to do it. I get fed up with the time wasted on all the insignificant crap I worry about. — I’m a natural worrier… which just sucks the life out of you.. & then tries to crush you!

Right now I am torn between worrying, not caring about a thing, and blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I don’t know what to think, what to feel, or how to act right now. I kind of feel like throwing something. — Something little. Not breakable. No damage. I’m not a violent person, lol. I just feel sort of lost. & a wee bit devoid of emotion. (Except a little something that is inside me encouraging me to throw something just for funzies.) — I’m just emotionally drained.

So I’m sorry to anyone who actually reads all the way through this post. It’s horrible & full of … well, I’m not sure what it’s full of.. but it’s certainly not very entertaining.


An Ugly Truth…

Looking back I can honestly say that this has been the toughest year of my life.

In March I decided I would take writing my book seriously… and in March life started to fall apart. By May I had given up & forgotten about it. Life got better. ย — In June I decided to start this blog to help me get more comfortable with interacting & to recommit myself to my book… and in July life started to fall apart, worse than before. It didn’t take long & I stopped working on my book & I stopped blogging for a while. Life got better. — By October/November or so I decided to get serious about my book & blogging again… and life started to fall apart… eventually I gave up again. Life got better.

This month I realized the blog is working. I am getting more comfortable with myself & better with people. That is huge. I love that I’m improving. I hate living in a box just because I’m so afraid of what the world thinks. So I decided to start blogging again, working on my book, & fighting my fear of interacting with people… & once again, life is starting to fall apart all around me. — The struggle is getting real.

I want to become who I know I can be if I’d just let myself live.

—I strongly believe, without a doubt, in Jesus Christ. With that belief comes Satan as well. He came to steal, kill, & destroy. & every time I start trying to get my life on track & stay in the will of God, everything starts to fall apart. I get attacked from every which way… and it doesn’t stop until I crumble. — I always crumble. Eventually I can’t take it anymore & I just stop where I’m at, throw up my hands, and quit. — I’m so tired of crumbling & I’m so tired of quitting even if does make life more comfortable. —

I sometimes wonder what’s out there for me that Satan is working so hard to keep me from? What is it that I am capable of that he never wants me to figure out? — Every time I try to move forward.. everything goes wrong. If I stay right where I am, just like I am… terrified of everything, then I have no problems. But as long as I stay frozen in this place & afraid… Life is okay. It’s not what I want, but it’s okay. I don’t feel attacked & I don’t feel helpless… I can breathe.

I have decided to blog, write my book, work on my anxiety, push myself, & break free from this miserably lonely prison I’m in. That was about two weeks ago… and I’m already feeling the heat. The walls are closing in & I am desperately trying to keep them back. — I haven’t quit yet. Not this time, not yet. I don’t want to. — This is such a tough war to fight & I really don’t want to lose again. — Heaven help me, I really don’t want to lose again. I see progress in myself. I see cracks in the shell I live in. I feel different. I feel change. I have real hope for the first time ever. — & I don’t want to lose that.

(I don’t know what the purpose of this post is… I just had to vent. I had to say that out loud, put it down on paper, or something. So I figure why not share? This blog is all about my journey from where I am to where I’m going. Thought I’d let you guys know why my book is taking foreverrrr to get written, lol)

As Always,
Heather! ๐Ÿ™‚

The Party Experience..

Okay, I told you guys & gals I had a party to attend & that I’d update y’all & let you know how it went. — Well that party was tonight & I’m sticking to my word.. so here goes…

It was a formal work party(My husband’s job.) & my big thing was that I’m not good with socializing, especially with people I don’t know. — So I was a little scared, I won’t lie. — The thing is, usually my (sometimes irrational) fears of something are way worse than the actual something. — and as usual, that was the case tonight. — Thank God! ๐Ÿ™‚

It actually went really well! I was only nervous for the first 15 minutes or so & then I was just fine. — Granted this shy girl isn’t going to turn into a social butterfly overnight or anything like that… but I was not tucked quite so tightly in to my little shell tonight.

The one thing I did notice is that I have this bad habit of looking away when I meet people. It’s pretty uncomfortable sometimes & it’s a habit to shift my gaze away. — Once I noticed I was doing it, I forced myself to do better. — That’s the only way it will get better… is if I make myself get used to it. — It’s always easier to stay in my comfort zone, but I know that won’t get me very far. So I’m slowly working on pushing myself out of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure people noticed I’m shy & not as talkative as others, but for me and what I’m usually feeling during events like this, I made some progress. ๐Ÿ™‚

So I had a pretty good night!

One step at a time..I know I will get where I want to be, even if it’s just one small step at a time. — I have to start somewhere. ๐Ÿ™‚

As Always,
Heather! (:

Humiliation & Things…

To be humiliated is an awful thing. Itโ€™s a shock so strong to the heart that it becomes a pain so deep it forever lingers. — To be humiliated brings a shame like no other & leaves a scar that is as deep & jagged as any. — To be humiliated is an awful thing… One that is very hard to come back from.

It stays with you. It haunts you from its grave long after itโ€™s gone. — Itโ€™s real pain. Itโ€™s raw pain. Itโ€™s that bitter sting of hurt that kicks us when we’re already down & broken.

You can hurt somebody & then you can humiliate somebody. — You can just hurt, without the humiliation, or you can pair the two together. — But that last option, putting them together… Thatโ€™s such an ugly thing.

You donโ€™t forget it. You canโ€™t run from it. & unfortunately, it doesnโ€™t feel like you can defeat it. It follows you into each new chapter of your life. It reminds you that itโ€™s still there.

It pierces the heart & tears you up inside. Only to pave the way to a thousand walls. Walls erected in fear & mistrust. Walls erected as a direct result of humiliation. — Walls youโ€™d feel unprotected without.

At first glance it seems so small… But as it grows it takes over. It shows itself as what it is. — To be humiliated is an awful thing.

*** This is filled with a little more emotion than my usual posts. But that’s what is so amazing about being a writer… we can tap into so many different things. — When I first began writing, this is how it started. When I was feeling something, Whether that be pain, anger, sadness, or happiness… I would just sit down & write. It was the best medicine. — & it still is! ๐Ÿ™‚ ***


A Moment Of Truth…

In 3 days I have to attend a holiday party… a company holiday party… a (formal)company holiday party… where my husband works… not me, not my job… so basically a party full of people that are strangers to me. — I have to socialize with a lot of people I don’t know. — Dear God, somebody help me! LoL! ๐Ÿ™‚

I guess the time has come to see what I’m made of! … Yay!(Insert sarcasm here, lol)
I feel like I am way too shy & self-conscious for this. (Granted I don’t always feel this way… it’s just sometimes when I have to interact with others I get all tongue tied & nothing seems to come out right.)

Lately I’ve been a little better about it. I find that I’m not nearly as self-conscious as often as I’d normally be. I have noticed some improvements while interacting with others. I know that when I’m blogging here I am pretty comfortable conversing with my fellow bloggers these days. — But out there in the big bad world, that’s a different story. It’s still pretty hard.

Some people are so quick to judge others & so many look down on the people around them that I just freeze up around some people. — It makes me nervous & I retreat back into my shell. — I don’t really feel like I fit in anywhere. I feel out of place sometimes and so I end up being too hard on myself. — I just wish the world was full of nothing but kindness & then half of my problems would disappear, lol. I admit, most of it is that I’m afraid of mean people. I am sensitive. My feelings are easily hurt and so many people lack compassion that I go from shy to painfully shy.

One positive here is that I’m not really dreading the party… which is something I would normally do. — See, I’ve improved some! ๐Ÿ™‚ — I will admit though, that sometimes when I think about it, I get a little uneasy & nervous, but not too bad.

I have high hopes for myself. I know I can do this & do it well. I just have to push through it & remind myself that what matters isn’t what anyone else sees in me… it’s what God sees in me. — That’s tough sometimes, but I’m going to keep at it! — It’s time to start proving to myself that I am bigger than this and even when I don’t feel that way, that I have a God much bigger than all of it! ๐Ÿ™‚

I will most definitely let you all know how the party goes afterwards! So fingers crossed! ๐Ÿ™‚