I Get A Little Honest Here…

So… here’s the thing.

I have been absent. I have not written a word in months. Not here, on my blog, or there, on my book. — I have been completely off the writing map. Not one written word… well, not one that wasn’t some Facebook or Instagram post, that is… πŸ˜‰ .

You see.. I have been intimidated. I have been scared. I have been insecure. I have been lost. I have been too afraid to write one single word anywhere about anything. Because… self-doubt. Because… insecurity. Because… intimidation. — Because if I’m being honest… on my best days.. I still struggle to believe in myself. I still struggle to believe that I have talent or that I am capable of stringing words together that make even a little bit of sense when I’m finished. — & that, my friends, is on my best days.

So on my worst days… it is far worse than that. On my worst days… I don’t just struggle to believe in myself… I just plain don’t believe in myself. I don’t even try on my worst days. I throw in the towel before the sun even rises. Like… not today guys, not today. Β I don’t have it in me to try. I don’t have it in me to pump myself up for this. I feel like a failure & I will just sit here and wallow in it & make no attempt to feel any better about any of it. ——- Β On my worst days… I give up. I am no longer in my own corner. I abandon post & take off. Because why? Because on my worst days… when I feel like the world’s biggest failure… I accept that. I say to myself, ya know what? It is what it is. I cannot do this, I cannot do anything, & so I just quit.

Intimidation. I am intimidated by my own self doubt, other people’s success, & the devil himself. Let me tell you something guys… I am being so incredibly honest with you right now. When someone else succeeds… and I mean just does something so incredibly amazing…. I can hear that little voice whisper.. “and what have you done, hmm? Look at them, taking the world by storm… and you… you haven’t even left the gate yet. What does that say about you, Heather? You’re a failure. A disappointment. Why do you even bother? You’re only making a fool of yourself.”

See… I know pride is like the downfall of man and all… but I still have some. & it grates & it drives me crazy to admit to that. To say that out loud, write it down, with every intention of sharing it with the world-wide web…. just what I think of myself on my worst days. — Because here’s the thing… It’s pretty bad to feel that way about yourself sometimes… but that other people, someone else, may be thinking or saying the same things of you… that hits that little bit of pride that I have right smack in the face. — & guys… I’ve heard it. Things very similar. I know there are people who have expressed doubt about me, my life, my future. — It hurts. It sucks. & it sticks with a person.

But here is the thing… because I’m going somewhere with this. I think.. πŸ˜‰ .

It can’t just be me. In a world filled with so many people… I can’t be the only one that feels this way on their worst days. I can’t be the only person that is intimidated by the world & struggles to believe in themselves. I can’t be the only person out there that feels like a disappointment or a failure. I can’t be by myself in this. Which also means… that whoever you are & wherever you are…. you and I, we are not alone. & I just want to say… I get it. I feel you. You have something in common with a complete stranger… but even so, this is one stranger that understands the struggle. — You are not alone. — & sometimes there is just something about knowing that someone else gets it. — & I get it!

So I’mma keep moving forward. I’m sure it will continue to be riddled with ups and downs, best days & worst days, Confidence & self-doubt… but I do not go it alone. I go it with Jesus & then however many people are right there in the same boat with me.

So here’s to pushing past those “worst” days & reveling in those “best” days. —

May the “best days” be with you.. ? Eh… well.. lol… little Star Wars thing I just did there… yeah, I won’t do that anymore. my bad. I apologize.. πŸ˜‰

πŸ˜€

 

 

Stumbling Blocks..

I think one of the hardest things about writing is second guessing myself.

I sit down one day & write several pages… and I like it. The next day I go back to pick up where I left off, read through the pages from the day before, and spend the next several hours criticizing every word I wrote the day before and attempting to rewrite it all.

It’s like… I make progress… just to go two steps backwards when I pick it up again.

It’s a little frustrating. Okay, it’s a lot frustrating.

I read a few pages to my husband the other day… and he was like, that flows really well. I like that. —- and I was thinking, flows really well? Yeah, it did when I wrote it, but now that I’m reading it to you it sounds like the worst thing ever. Lol!

I know mostly it’s just me being my own worst critic. I just can’t get out of my head sometimes. I go round and round with myself. — It’s frustrating.

I won’t quit tho. I’m not quite close enough to see the finish line yet, but I know it’s there. Kinda like when you go hiking…. at some point you are smack dab in the middle of the trail, tired, your legs ache, your hot, trying to figure out why in the world you thought it’d be a good idea in the first place…. but you hold onto the fact that at some point, you will reach the end and it’ll be a beautiful sight when you do. — Haha, tho one time I was so tired and hungry that it was knowing I’d get Doritos & Gatorade once I reached my destination. Lol… I busted those bad boys out as soon as I hit the top of that mountain. All that work… and I was so tired… but it was so worth it. & I knew it the second I sat down and twisted the cap on the bottle…. cause that was one snack that came with a view. πŸ˜‰

Anyhow, gotta get back to it. πŸ™‚

Slightly Frustrated…

Grrrr!!

I hate when I can’t get a character down on paper like they are in my head.

It. Is. So. Frustrating.

I just wanna scream. Like, Ahhhhh!

Why can’t you just magically appear on this paper you magnificent character you! Instead I have pages upon pages of you as awesome as you are and then like 2 pages of you that seem like a completely different person and now even if I scrap them altogether I can’t seem to manage to write anything that even remotely resembles who you are. My brain is all messed up and you now have multiple personalities. You’re welcome. No need to thank me, really. Oh, and I quit. No need to fret, only long enough to rest my brain and find some milk & cookies. Chocolate chunk to be precise. πŸ˜€ Β — I shall not leave you in shambles.. permanently that is, temporarily is a whole different thing. You, my friend, are on your own at the moment.

P.S. — I sort of just ranted at an imaginary character and I may be losing my mind. Lol, but don’t give up on me just yet, cause this ain’t over. πŸ˜‰

I Have Returned… :)

I’ve been a bit off the radar for a while. Part of me had no idea what to write about on here anymore and another part of me felt extraordinary pressure to work on my current project. I felt like if I didn’t, then I was somehow failing. Although I have worked on writing my book a bit here and there over the last few months… I wasn’t doing nearly what I could have been doing.

About two weeks ago I sat down one day and just worked hard. I poured more into those few hours than I had put into the last few months. When I was finished, I saw a path to the future. For the first time, since I started this journey, with the blog, two years ago… I saw everything come together in what seemed a lot like an epiphany moment. It’s hard to explain, but I now see a future in my work.

I now see a path to completing this first book and going on to do more. A path which I could not see prior to that day. Which is part of what made it so difficult to keep going. I couldn’t really see where it was going or if I’d even make it there.

I’ve worked with these characters so much that I feel like I know them personally, lol, I’m not crazy. It sounds a lot like imaginary friends and fictional buddies… but really, it’s not as insane as it sounds. πŸ™‚ — It’s what makes this whole thing so worthwhile. I want to share them and all that they have to offer with everyone else. I just have to get their stories out of my head and onto the paper in just the right way. So that you can all know them like I do. — You’ll like em, they’re pretty cool. πŸ™‚

Anyhow…

I have a goal: To complete the first run-through of this book by December. I made that goal in January. I have now lost 6 months of time to really work on it. However, I will not change my goal… I will just work twice as hard to reach it.

You guys will meet these people eventually, I promise. πŸ™‚

Heather Marie. πŸ™‚

 

 

With Pen & Paper….

It feels so incredibly good to spend hours with a pen & a notebook.

Typing is great. Flipping open my laptop and writing away the time is good stuff.

However, there is still nothing quite like writing with pen & paper.

I just filled page after page with notes, characters, & plot details. — & for me, doing that on paper is so much more enjoyable than typing it up. — Eventually I have to bust out the laptop for almost all the book writing… but in the beginning stages, before the real story writing begins….. you’ll always find me with a pen & paper.

Book Update: It’s going really well! I’m just getting started, but I’m definitely off & running. — I’ll keep you guys updated. But I think for sure, one of the best things I’ve done lately was deciding to follow my heart & instinct on this whole book change thing. — I’ve known these characters and their stories for years… I just never thought that was the type of writer I should be or the type of genre I should be in. — A tragic love story was never the road I thought I should travel down. But in these characters and that of their family & friends, I have the ability to breathe the life into them that I’ve always known was there. — That’s exciting and it’s even a bit magical. — How could I possibly pass on that?

Book Update — Big Change.

The title says it all.

I have, for the foreseeable future, tabled the book I have been working on.

When I decided to write my first book I didn’t realize that I was going to get lost in the mechanics of it all, so to speak. I didn’t know at the time that I was going to let genre choices, people, expectations, and pressure dictate the story I told. — But that’s exactly what I did.

Instead of focusing on a story that I was passionate about…. I made up a story that I thought would fit where I was trying to make it fit. — I have been trying to write in a way that hasn’t been true to me or who I am. I have been trying to write a book about something that I have zero passion for. I didn’t get lost in my characters & their lives like I should have. I tried… you’ll see that in posts prior to this one, but I think deep down my heart was never really in it. I’m the writer, & I wasn’t even interested in them. I’m still not interested in them. I tried to be… it just didn’t work.

Honestly, I wasΒ so worried about the readers I would alienate if I didn’t try to find some way to pull them in, that I made up a story that I thought would fit in several different boxes. — Only, it didn’t make me happy… & I’ve struggled to write it.

A few nights ago, I was outside enjoying the cold night air & listening to some music (My favorite way to relax & to just think,Β btw) & some characters & a story that goes along with them popped into my head. — That may seem strange to someone who doesn’t think in stories like I do, Lol, I’m not crazy, I promise. It’s just the writer in me. These characters weren’t strangers. Their story is one I thought of a while back & considered writing. Only… it’s a love story… which I thought at the time just wasn’t good enough. —Β I was wrong.

So I’ve made a decision to change course.

I’m going to write it. I’m going to write my romance-y book & forget all about the people who dislike romance in their books. If that is the case, then I may not be the author for them. & that’s okay. —- It just took me a long time to realize that it’s okay.

I decided to write my first book & then pieced a story together based off what I thought a majority would want to read. — & it hasn’t been working.

I thought if I changed what I was writing, that I was admitting failure. & maybe I am. I’m admitting that, for now, I have failed to make it work. But I started failing from the moment I began…. when I came up with an idea for all the wrong reasons.

If you’re a writer, then maybe you’ll understand what I’m about to say. Most of the time, we don’t choose the stories we tell… they choose us. & it’s those stories that are interweaved into who we are… and so we tell them. — With passion & with fire, we fall in love with what we’ve created as we share it with others.

So as much as I hate to even say it, because it makes me feel like a failure, I have to follow my heart. I screwed up in the beginning and even though I’m headed in the right direction now… I know there will be people who think I just couldn’t do it or that I’m just not dedicated. — That reality kills a little bit of the joy I have found & the confidence I have gained… but I won’t let it stop me.

So until next time,
Heather.