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The Battle

Here’s to that moment in life when everything you are striving to accomplish is the one thing you are terrified to touch. — Sounds great, right?

Sometimes I absolutely despise myself. — I don’t mean that in an “I hate myself” sort of way. More like an “I am so fed up with my inability to interact like a normal person” sort of way. —  I promise there is a difference.

I just feel so misunderstood sometimes. People have had a lot of different reactions to who I am & how I act. — Some of the really good ones: “Why are you so stuck up and rude?” “Why are you being so complicated?” “Why are you such a little hermit?”  “You make things harder than they have to be.” Oh and of course the ever faithful, “Grow up and get over it.” — I’m shy. Terribly, terribly shy. Everything under the sun makes me nervous. I’m bad at conversations. I’m not good at interacting with people. I fumble over words & things come out all wrong & then I just feel like an idiot. — I know I’m not an idiot… it’s just in that moment, it feels that way. — Unfortunately, I can’t just flip a switch & turn all that off.

There have been times I tried explaining myself to people until I was blue in the face. All explained out. Tried, tried, and failed. I’ve been so frustrated, and many times, down right furious. — It’s hard to try and make people see what they can’t understand.

Writing a book makes me nervous. It’s a big deal. It’s a huge step for anyone to take. Heaven knows I feel like the weight of the world is trying to come at me already. — The last couple of weeks I have felt like if I touch it, if I pick up & write where I left off last, I’m going to mess it all up. Sometimes even when I’m typing it all out I think about how one day people are going to read it, and then I end up fumbling all those words onto the screen. They come out all wrong. — See, people make me nervous, lol.

I’m working on it. I’m trying to do better. —  I’m going to pick up where I left off. I know, deep down, that I have what it takes to do this. I have what it takes to complete this book & many more after it. — It’s this never-ending battle with myself that is making it so difficult. — I have to fight it. I can’t let the pessimist in me win.

When I started this blog it was as a sounding board for myself as well as opening up to a public audience. It’s about my writing journey. — This is part of that. It’s a really ugly part, but that doesn’t make it any less significant. In fact, it has a huge impact on where this book goes and how long it takes me to get it there.

I know one day I’m going to look back at blog posts like this one, after having accomplished this first book, and be so very proud of myself. 🙂

-hmthreatte!

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