This post doesn’t contain any book updates. Instead it focuses on the ramblings of my current state of mind… Don’t you just love when I do that? 🙂 — We all make mistakes. We all screw up. We all make decisions that are wrong, even when we know beforehand that it will be wrong. I know I’ve made plenty. I’ve spent a lot of time wishing I could go backwards just to fix some of my mess ups. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. We are forced to keep moving forward. —
Tonight I heard the song “You Are More,” by Tenth Avenue North. Now I’ve heard this song a million times it seems. I mean I know it really well… between the radio, Cd’s, and YouTube I can definitely sing along… (Lol, though not very well might I add, I can’t sing to save my life.) However, sometimes we hear a song we’ve heard more times than we can count and it touches us in a way it never did before. — I had one of those moments tonight.
Now why were these lyrics different for me tonight? I guess because sometimes we don’t see what’s hiding inside of us. Even if it’s in plain sight, somehow we miss it. — I heard that song tonight and I immediately thought, yeah.. I’m more than all those mistakes I made, but I made them right by my little self. I knew better and I brought all the trouble that came with them down on myself. — Sort of like that old phrase: I made this bed, now I’ve got to lie in it. (Yeah, lol, that’s one we never like hearing either.) — I felt that since I’m the one that screwed up, it’s my own fault, so oh well.
When I thought that, it hit me that I also felt like God felt that way. Uhh-Ohhh… no wonder I can’t let it go. I can’t stop shouldering all the guilt long enough to see that I alone am forcing myself to carry such burdens.
I realized tonight that I am struggling to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made. That’s quite a load to carry. I can easily forgive just about anyone I come into contact with, I’m good at that. It’s myself I can’t seem to forgive. — Somewhere in my heart I’ve believed that God lacked compassion for me just like I’ve lacked it for myself.
We’re always harder on ourselves. I’ve heard people say many times that we’re our own worst critics and I definitely believe that. –The thing is that when it comes down to it, most of the time it’s ourselves we struggle the hardest to forgive. We look at everything we could have or should have done differently and we get upset with ourselves. We take on responsibility for it… and then we never let it go. — At least I do that. Maybe I’m the only one. — But maybe I’m not.
If I’m not… then I just want to say this. I’m right there with ya. I’m struggling and I’m learning too. As a child I was taught to fear God, so I grew up being afraid of Him (Until I got older & understood better.). It’s no wonder that somewhere on the inside I was thinking yeah He forgives me, but probably about as much as I forgive myself. — Which just isn’t true. —
This isn’t a battle I’ll win overnight. It’s going to take some time. Until a few hours ago I didn’t even realize just how hard I’ve been on myself. — So if you’re in that boat with me… you are definitely not alone. If you’re not in that boat… then I am so very glad, because I don’t want you there! 🙂
So until next time… 🙂